#1
And the roof caved in
And changed your mood, you
Danced across the carpet
Undressing me with your eyes
For this is a dance of deceptive grace
Unfurling and unfurled
By twisting lovers hands
Held hard against your chest/heart
(This is what we get for falling in lust)

And take that last gaze
It slipped off me and fell around
On whoever you seemed to fancy
With whispered love you skipped away
Unknown and under cared for
Unappreciated and procured
Through lustful eyes and intense hands
What favor he beseeches you
With loving smiles and untouched eyes
His words they fell around you
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#2
Interesting. I like the idea of it, but the execution is a little sloppy. First, I think you should do more. Two stanzas is bare minimum for just about anything. Second, you've got some good stuff going on, but nothing that really ties it all together. I say hold on to one central image/metaphor. I think it would make the writing stronger.

But it was definately a cool piece.

P.S. The title rocks.

Rock On
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#3
i love it. i like the undressind me with your eyes. thats quite original

please crit mine

autumn tears

thanks
Quote by dark&broken
I'd like to see any of those meathead homophobes look a Spartan in the eye and call him a fag.

#4
Thanks heaps guys

Petey - i'm going to write more, it's just getting into the kind of mood i need to write this sort of thing, it's a little different to my usual stuff (language wise).

It's a story and it keeps going, you might be a little confused by the fact it seems to change venue (the carpet reference for example)

It also stays on the same central character...

I don't really want to say what it's about because i want people to come to their own decision, but i think i have explained it pretty well with the second verse

Eggo boi - it's 12am here so i'll try and get to yours a little later today otherwise Tomorrow (i have a band practice today and i don't plan on getting up till 12pm )
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."