#1
Hi Folks. First shot at this, be gentle. Looking for constructive feedback.

Sitting here on my own
Dreams of being with you shot down
When I realise I'm alone
Don't know why I hurt you
Or why I let you go
But if I had the chance to say one thing
I'd want to let you know

I'm sorry
Come back to me
I love you
Come back to me
I need you
Can't you see
I'm sorry
Come back to me

Ease my pain
Show me you still care
I don't wanna suffer this again
Say you'll be there
I won't hurt you again
I couldn't do that
I saw your pain
And I want you to know

I'm sorry
Come back to me
I love you
Come back to me
I need you
Can't you see
I'm sorry
Come back to me

I saw you around
Was only yesterday
I tried to tell you
I tried to say
But I couldnt do it
Didn't have the courage
I know I blew it

But I'm sorry
Come back to me
I love you
Come back to me
I need you
Can't you see
I'm sorry
Come back to me

Come back soon darling
always in the poo, only the depth changes
#2
Forgot to say, the music to accompany is going to be like a sparse acoustic guitar, really stripped down bare sound, kinda moody. Haven't written the music around it yet but will do so soon.
always in the poo, only the depth changes
#4
i liked this & i think it would sound good as an acoustic song. nice work! if you could crit mine called "Hardest goodbye" i would send you the link but i don't know how.. lol.
"This love is killing me but you're the only one, it's not over"---Daughtry
#5
hey good job. kinda cliche but you know what? you pulled it off good, so who cares! i really enjoyed reading this and i agree with guitar_chick i think it would sound good as an acoustic. could you crit my song called Be Mine
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=515588
^that's the link thanks and good job!
#6
Sitting here on my own
Dreams of being with you shot down
When I realise I'm alone
Don't know why I hurt you
Or why I let you go
But if I had the chance to say one thing
I'd want to let you know

Good start, but it feels very fractured, and lacks flow.

I'm sorry
Come back to me
I love you
Come back to me
I need you
Can't you see
I'm sorry
Come back to me

I don't really like this chorus, maybe it sounds better with a chatchy melody, but like this it is just cliche.


Ease my pain
Show me you still care
I don't wanna suffer this again
Say you'll be there
I won't hurt you again
I couldn't do that
I saw your pain
And I want you to know

Again, a good verse, but the flow is very bad, if you try singing it everything gets messed up.

I'm sorry
Come back to me
I love you
Come back to me
I need you
Can't you see
I'm sorry
Come back to me

I saw you around
Was only yesterday
I tried to tell you
I tried to say
But I couldnt do it
Didn't have the courage
I know I blew it

Good verse, the flow is better than in the other verses, although still not great...
I think you used the word 'I' too many times though...


But I'm sorry
Come back to me
I love you
Come back to me
I need you
Can't you see
I'm sorry
Come back to me

Overall the song is decent, but the flow (apart from the chorus) is very bad, and generally (especially the chorus) very cliche, you should try to get away from using cliche sentences, cause that makes the song sound silly and boring, like a parody of itself.
Another problem is, that the song lacks a point, the whole song should go somewhere, but it doesn't, it just keeps revolving around your pain of a lost love, with no conclusion, which gets boring very quickly.
A little tip to improve your flow, try to sing the song while writing it, the melody doesn't have to be great, but this way you shape your words and lines around something singable, with a good solid flow, plus I find that it helps me to come up with lyrics to.
I realize I was very critical of your song, but keep at it and you'll get better, you have potential.
C4C? my latest song is "A Bird Has Flown" in my sig.
Last edited by wooda at Feb 2, 2007,
#7
Quote by wooda
Sitting here on my own
Dreams of being with you shot down
When I realise I'm alone
Don't know why I hurt you
Or why I let you go
But if I had the chance to say one thing
I'd want to let you know

Good start, but it feels very fractured, and lacks flow.

I'm sorry
Come back to me
I love you
Come back to me
I need you
Can't you see
I'm sorry
Come back to me

I don't really like this chorus, maybe it sounds better with a chatchy melody, but like this it is just cliche.


Ease my pain
Show me you still care
I don't wanna suffer this again
Say you'll be there
I won't hurt you again
I couldn't do that
I saw your pain
And I want you to know

Again, a good verse, but the flow is very bad, if you try singing it everything gets messed up.

I'm sorry
Come back to me
I love you
Come back to me
I need you
Can't you see
I'm sorry
Come back to me

I saw you around
Was only yesterday
I tried to tell you
I tried to say
But I couldnt do it
Didn't have the courage
I know I blew it

Good verse, the flow is better than in the other verses, although still not great...
I think you used the word 'I' too many times though...


But I'm sorry
Come back to me
I love you
Come back to me
I need you
Can't you see
I'm sorry
Come back to me

Overall the song is decent, but the flow (apart from the chorus) is very bad, and generally (especially the chorus) very cliche, you should try to get away from using cliche sentences, cause that makes the song sound silly and boring, like a parody of itself.
Another problem is, that the song lacks a point, the whole song should go somewhere, but it doesn't, it just keeps revolving around your pain of a lost love, with no conclusion, which gets boring very quickly.
A little tip to improve your flow, try to sing the song while writing it, the melody doesn't have to be great, but this way you shape your words and lines around something singable, with a good solid flow, plus I find that it helps me to come up with lyrics to.
I realize I was very critical of your song, but keep at it and you'll get better, you have potential.
C4C? my latest song is "A Bird Has Flown" in my sig.


Thanks for the feedback, it is appreciated.
always in the poo, only the depth changes
#8
whatever i wanted to say wooda already said that but my advise is read the tips thread it will help you alot and with time you will get better wanted to give you a full crit but theres no use in repeating what has been already said
Hi
#9
Nice though with this verse:

Ease my pain
Show me you still care
I don't wanna suffer this again
Say you'll be there
I won't hurt you again
I couldn't do that
I saw your pain
And I want you to know


I would add an extra syllable into 'Say you'll be there'. 'Say that you'll be there' perhaps? I don't know it kinda threw me off. Overall, I like the lyrics, a little cliched as previously mentioned but that's no problem. I like the chorus, I can imagine it flowing well with the right music.
The will to neither strive nor cry,
The power to feel with others give.
Calm, calm me more; nor let me die
Before I have begun to live.

-Matthew Arnold

Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.