#1
Crit for crit.

Would love all feedback.

Enjoy


Sat swinging on a swing,
I can only sing our song,
because it is the only one
I know every word to.
My voice, out of tune,
sings it to the moon.

You lean over and
whisper to me- I'm cute.

And adrenaline
using an inner syringe,
pumps into my veins.

A beat. A palpatation. A glance.

I've never kicked out my legs so much
as I am now. If this is what it feels like
to be high, I want to feel my stomach
sting, I want to feel my ears buzz,
I want the whole of my body to shake
like an earthquake.

To be with you is to be myself.

An hour later I'm entangled in candy-coloured
sheets and a green thong, her skin all over
my hands, and I'm thinking- when will I come down?

A minute later you lean over
and whisper to me- It's okay.

I'm sweet.
#2
Wow, Its A Great song

Kinda Sexual At the End, But I Like It
Last edited by *Thundernation* at Feb 1, 2007,
#3
HAHA that is the sweetest thang i have ever heard!!! wow..... didnt expect that ending,though...
Why do I let myself drown n the tears Ive cried4u over&over again When I know that u wont rescue me?
THE HARDEST GIFT2GIVE IS LOVE U KNOW IS NOT RETURNED
Whats the point n smilin if u hav no1 2smile4
#4
okay well

You lean over and
whisper to me- I'm cute.

And adrenaline
using an inner syringe,
pumps into my veins.

The Phrase "I'm cute" doesn't really work here because if it is her whispering it, it would be "You're Cute" and if want to keep it like it is it would have to be she "whispers that I'm cute"

also that metaphor is pretty bad.

other than that you did a fine job I suppose.
If you have time please crit mine: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=515500
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#6
... I really dont want to say this but... you're starting to dissapoint me Jamie...

I mean, even when you have a sentiment that I'm feeling at this very moment, pure unoriginal lines like "pumps into my veins" or "To be with you is to be myself." just... This wasnt sweet, if it was I would have laughed at how relevant it was to my life, I almost laughed alot but then you cut out the momentum you had with some terrible terrible lines that just... made me cringe, literally cringe...

Dont get me wrong, there was some good 'sweet' stuff in here, but some of it just ruined the overall effect... What happened to the originality man? just...

And I really dont like saying this...
#7
Quote by *Truly Ninja*
Careful man. It'll hurt eventually.


Can you pwiddy pwiddy pwease explain that Truly?

And synth- this will be revised, I know there's some poor lines in there.

My originality is in my songwriting, I'm declining to post much of that on these forums at the moment.

I'm now trying to improve my poetic side. Where better place to start than at the bottom of a ladder I want to climb?

Thanks for all the comments, I'll get back soon, I think.
#8
Sat swinging on a swing,
I can only sing our song,
because it is the only one
I know every word to.
My voice, out of tune,
sings it to the moon.

This stanza was decent, not good but okay.

You lean over and
whisper to me- I'm cute.

And adrenaline
using an inner syringe,
pumps into my veins.

A beat. A palpatation. A glance.

I don't have a big issue with this one, it's okay, I think it could be better if you just played around with the wording of the "pumps into my veins" like, peirces into my vessels, or something original that doesn't sound as awkward as the example I gave. You can keep it the way you have it if you want to but I think you could make it better.

I've never kicked out my legs so much
as I am now. If this is what it feels like
to be high, I want to feel my stomach
sting, I want to feel my ears buzz,
I want the whole of my body to shake
like an earthquake.

This is okay.

To be with you is to be myself.

An hour later I'm entangled in candy-coloured
sheets and a green thong, her skin all over
my hands, and I'm thinking- when will I come down?

This is much better than the rest in my opinion.

A minute later you lean over
and whisper to me- It's okay.

I'm sweet.

Ending's decent.

Overall I thought in was mediocre for you, but I still liked it better than most of the stuff I read on here.
#10
no real qualms although I do agree there are some weak lines in here (you know what they are.) for the first stanza I thought the main character was alone, I don't know if that's relevant to you or not but that's how it came across to me. the only other thing was the her instead of you which I figured happened for one of two reasons: 1) accidentally and should say you or 2) her is supposed to be reflective of how she's a completely different person in bed. which completely works but I wasn't sure about it.

okay, that's all I've got, hope it helps. I definitely like this better than the last piece I read by you. I also agree it could be a lot better. but I think you know how, so when you revise it let me know, I'd love to see how it comes out.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in