#1
C4C for real. And I really dont know what to feel about this piece... it is the first in a series though so keep that in mind...



Sun Bears Pre-Quills [Spine 1 of 9]
It’s a zeppelin, it’s a tank, it’s a blindfold—
Sun bears are ironic because they show exactly how majestic they are
Through only their names and the fact they have no
Peg legs to go with their eye patches,
It’s a movement, it’s a lunge, it’s a blindfold—
Animalistic instinct and pin up maps,
It’s a beast, it’s a lung, it’s a blindfold—
Push me into where you believe our first kiss was;
Not in terms of claw-mark tallies or altitude,
It’s a massage, it’s a finger, it’s a sound—
But in terms of how happy your body is; restlessness:
Growl. Roar. Constrict.

Your giggle, it’s a blindfold:
It’s warm, it’s comforting, it’s dark…
Just like the sun you have concealed in your stomach.
Last edited by #1 synth at Feb 1, 2007,
#2
I hate the last line, caise the image I get from it is a very awkward one. Other than that, this was actually a pretty solid read. i liked all of the repeated lines, and thought that the disjointedness was actually decently organized to make a coherent whole. Just please make the last line a little different.
#3
Hahaha.

Pre-Quills.

You bastard...

(I'll read this soon. Looks good on first glance. While I haven't dug inside this piece for depth/meaning, I like the last line because it can be a read a few ways... Is she like the sun? Which is concealed inside itself? Or is there a sun inside her stomach? It's so brilliant. Does that line have to do with pregnancy at all? Anyway... maybe I should actually read this piece before complimenting that one line...)
#4
Thank you both. And I'm very attached to the last line, so until i think of something better that expresses the same sentiment (which is supposed to include awkwardness actually) its probably not changing...

Carpy Carp and James, anything you guys want me to check out?
#5
In the first stanza... I'm really not sure how I feel about the repetition of blindfold... I understand it's effectiveness, but I think you could come up with something more creative, I think. Also... I agree about the last line, but perhaps it will fit better when I have read the second spine.

I liked this though.
#7
I liked it, it was pretty original. It conveyed a pretty good image throughout. But I'd have to say change the last line the idea was good. The link is in my signature.
#8
You're going places with your writing, I feel. I think you're starting to find a style you enjoy and like.

I can't make head nor tail of it, but it flowed as good as your pieces usually do, so well done there.

I still feel you owe me several critiques, which is why I don't really wnt to put in the time to go through this one line by line. I have a new one in my sig which I'd love your help on, I'm experimienting with different styles and I'm stuck. Many thanks if you can
#9
I really like it. I don't have much more to say... I do like the repetition of blindfold. It's infectious.

"Sun bears are ironic because they show exactly how majestic they are"

I don't see how that's ironic at all... and it makes you seem unedumucated. But what do I know?

If you could read Bayonets in my sig, I'd love you. I'll be posting mad poetry/lyrics soon. I am inspired by dancing...
#10
shit. sorry I didnt return today. i'll try to get to some of your stuff tomorrow guys...

and Ret, I was hoping it would be ironic that I said it was ironic when it clearly wasnt

Quill two should be up soon by the way, and I decided to go with the baby image, even though that wasnt what I was going with before... but I liked that idea so... yay babies!