#1
Fireworks

I’ll try to look before I leap
Next time, next time
Next time there’ll be
A secret I can’t keep
And the thought of all the pounding
Has got me already losing sleep

So please
Before I go on
Tell me what the fcuk you want
I’m tired of playing
With stick and stones
You really think they’ll break your bones?
If you do, then you’re more stupid sir
Than I ever could imagine

So dance around her pageant
And show the happy faces
Your on form, you’re at the races
That you mean business
For this beauty queen
(We’re only fcuking seventeen!)

Because now I just don’t care
Have her; I’ll be fair
I actually don’t care
I honestly don’t care…

I’ll try to cry before I leave
Will I? Won’t I?
I won’t because
I’m hardly deep
One more, two more
Yeah the sound of all that pounding
Makes me wish I was asleep

So please
Before I go home
Disengage your metronome
Consistency
Is killing me
This isn’t a duopoly
You are more disillusioned sir
That I ever could imagine

So dance around her pageant
And show the happy faces
Your on form, you’re at the races
That you mean business
For this beauty queen
(We’re only fcuking seventeen!)

Because now I just don’t care
Have her; I’ll be fair
I actually don’t care
I honestly don’t care…
Walk away, I don’t care

You’ve walked away.
Ha! I don’t care?
The truth is something
Of which you’re not aware…
www.freewebs.com/silentproject
#4
Fireworks

I’ll try to look before I leap
Next time, next time
Next time there’ll be
A secret I can’t keep
And the thought of all the pounding
Has got me already losing sleep

next time is used way too many times .rhyming is bit odd. flow is not that gr8

So please
Before I go on
Tell me what the fcuk you want
I’m tired of playing
With stick and stones
You really think they’ll break your bones?
If you do, then you’re more stupid sir
Than I ever could imagine


more stupid sir change it it does notadd much of an impact

So dance around her pageant
And show the happy faces
Your on form, you’re at the races
That you mean business
For this beauty queen
(We’re only fcuking seventeen!)

this is the best part of the song

Because now I just don’t care
Have her; I’ll be fair
I actually don’t care
I honestly don’t care…

AAAA rhyme scheme its odd try to change it and read the tips thread . u should i think

I’ll try to cry before I leave
Will I? Won’t I?
I won’t because
I’m hardly deep
One more, two more
Yeah the sound of all that pounding
Makes me wish I was asleep

So please
Before I go home
Disengage your metronome
Consistency
Is killing me
This isn’t a duopoly
You are more disillusioned sir
That I ever could imagine

So dance around her pageant
And show the happy faces
Your on form, you’re at the races
That you mean business
For this beauty queen
(We’re only fcuking seventeen!)

Because now I just don’t care
Have her; I’ll be fair
I actually don’t care
I honestly don’t care…
Walk away, I don’t care

You’ve walked away.
Ha! I don’t care?
The truth is something
Of which you’re not aware…


some of lines are good got potential but ur basics of song writing are bit shaky so read the tips thread for songwriting and see what else u can add or delete
i am srry if i came too harsh on you
Hi
#5
mmm, this is a pretty good piece, but I've seen better from you. Some of the lines jsut don't go with the piece, like the repetition of "next time" in the first stanza. The line about sticks and stones was good, origianl, for the most part even with sticks and stones being used fairly alot in pieces. The chorus, or at least what i assuem to be the chorus, about the pageant, is very good. Its got good flow.

Overall, good piece, not spectacular, but it gets the job done, and gets your meaning across.


If youve got some free time, a link for my latest is in my sig.
#6
thanks man, i appreciate it

i'll crit ur piece now

www.freewebs.com/silentproject