#1
well, here's another...it might need a little help, so let me know.


***
Shattered glass stuck in various objects
The sharply tuned tenor bows his head
An artist who relives my latest piece
Was I informed? Was I informed?

There’s a ringing through the valley
The commander has stepped to the mic.
A young kid singing with his family
Were they informed? Were they informed?

Cattle graze amongst the scenery
The holy cross that invades a prison cell
A captivated fan glued to the screen
Was he informed? Was he informed?

Substances cooked in the bottom of beakers
The cut of a ribbon to break new ground
A company blessed with all riches in the world
Were we informed? Were we informed?

Heroes washed up into the sandbank
The black-lines censor themselves detained
A phone slips through a mother’s quivering fingers
Was she informed? Was she informed?
#2
Shattered glass stuck in various objects
The sharply tuned tenor bows his head
An artist who relives my latest piece
Was I informed? Was I informed?here, i was left expecting the line to rhyme with 'head', which i think it should. keep the first part of the line the same' was i informed' but for the second half of the line, try like 'was i _____' something that relates and rhymes somewat with head

There’s a ringing through the valley
The commander has stepped to the mic.
A young kid singing with his family
Were they informed? Were they informed?

Cattle graze amongst the scenery
The holy cross that invades a prison cell
A captivated fan glued to the screen
Was he informed? Was he informed?not bad, but yet im still expecting for the second 'was he informed?' to have some sort of variation, to make it mroe interesting

Substances cooked in the bottom of beakers
The cut of a ribbon to break new ground
A company blessed with all riches in the world
Were we informed? Were we informed?same as above

Heroes washed up into the sandbank
The black-lines censor themselves detained
A phone slips through a mother’s quivering fingers
Was she informed? Was she informed?same as above


really nothing wrong with it, except not sure wat its about, to me, it sounding like familys were getting news of their kids who died out at war, especially with the last verse, but im probly wrong.not bad.
crit mine if ya could

__________________
#3
I like this.

You didn't focus on a rhyme scheme like many people do ( a little too much for the good of a song lyric unfortuately ).

It says something, without being prosaic or too pretty about it.
Gear:
Charvel/Jackson 3B Bass
Jackson CMG Bass
Ibanez BTB575FM 5-String Bass
Vintage 70s Ampeg V9 SVT/ Ampeg 8x10 Cab
Fender Deluxe Blackout Telecaster

Angelus Mortem
#8
Hey, how you been doing? Anyways, I have always enjoyed reading your piece and this one is no different. As always, the wording was excellent. I thought the repitition of the "informed?" line helped the structure. There aren't any big problems with this piece. My only gripe was, I couldn't get a concrete idea what this piece was about. But that's just me. I'm terrible at deciphering poetry. Nevertheless, I enjoyed reading it and the feeling the words gave me. For some reason, it reminded me of somebody talking at a eulogy, but that's just me. Anyways, great job and keep it up.

Crit mine please
Heaven Hibernates in Hell
#9
This piece was pretty thought provoking, which is rare. Concerning rhyme scheme, I think it's fine the way it is. This piece is able to convey its message without a strict rhyme scheme, which is cool. Sometimes, it's about knowing when NOT to rhyme that can make the difference. That works here...

I agree with themarsvolta, it's hard to get a grip on the subject. My big question was "Informed of what?" It's not totally clear and it leaves it really open to interpretation. If that's what you wanted, then that's ok, but if you're trying to convey a specific message, then a little clarity would go a long way.

Overall, a great bit of writing!

If you wouldn't mind, take a look at my new song, Sharpshooter: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=8129407#post8129407

Cheers!
#10
Heroes washed up into the sandbank
The black-lines censor themselves detained
A phone slips through a mother’s quivering fingers
Was she informed? Was she informed?

amazingly written

the whole poem flows very well for being freeverse

i'd love to get some criticism on mine if you have time
(xD i rhymed)

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=517538
#11
Quote by streetcarp19
hey man, worry about what you need to worry about.


Thing is, we got newbies getting warned for bumping and not caring about it all, and we get regular who get the special treatment that are allowed to bump. I'd hate to be a newbie here right now, 'cos it's like there's different rules.

sorry for the spam carpy, I'll take it to forum recommendations.


A captivated fan glued to the screen

Heroes washed up into the sandbank

I thought they were th eonly two weaker lines. I quite liked the rest, though I don't think it's near your best that you've posted on here.