#1
Wow, just looked at the watch and it said that I spent an hour working on this draft, the lines just jumped on the keyboard, you know the drill, you wash my back, i'll suck your ****.

EDIT: it's a draft, i'll keep updating.

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Everything seems to be on the TV
Everything that I'll ever need
But it's that I can't find affixed to my sore mind
That's pushing my thoughts into being twined
And I'm turning into waves
Of lines that never ends
Of poetry that never spends

following glow streams to where it begun

Everything seems to make sense
Everything made sense to me
But it's the shortage of wealth, mental peace or health
That made any millions to look like cents
And I'm drowning in my own gasoline
My motivation is my disease
That I brace slowly at ease

As vagrant I'm tailing the sun
And yet I can't say that I'm done

And I'm trying my best doing my worst
To try and make you burst in thoughts
Of Why in the world would that boy have
Anything but reality in his dreams

The answer is too simple
The answer is too simple


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Update 1- Explanation

A.
'Everything seems to make sense
Everything made sense to me'


NOT gonna change that, as it reflects one of my most repetetive thoughts, if you can't see the difference, look harder.

B.
'And I'm coming through with my gun'
Looking back I can tell that's a line that just went nicely with the chord, well, she's gonna change soon. thank you, keep posting suggestions.

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Update 2 - Correction of lines

'But it's that I can't find I that little black box
That's drifting me further into coming back'


changes to-

But it's that I can't find affixed to my sore mind
That's pushing my thoughts into being twined


Tell me what you think. don't worry about other lines, some are gonna be replaced.

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Update 3- another correction of Irritating lines.

And I'm coming through with my gun

Changes to-

following glow streams to where it begun

2nd change-

And I'm coming through with my gun
And no I can't say that I'm done


Changes to-

As vagrant I'm tailing the sun
And yet I can't say that I'm done


those lines were the major issue of the song just tell me if it works, please.

This song is gonna be the next i'm going to record, so i want the lyrics to be dead on.
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Last edited by jagstang270 at Mar 9, 2007,
#3
Nice, I like.

What type of music you planning on putting these to? If it's only a draft I look forward to reading updated and (hopefully) better versions. I'll post some crit once it's updated a wee bit.

Now suck my cock.
The will to neither strive nor cry,
The power to feel with others give.
Calm, calm me more; nor let me die
Before I have begun to live.

-Matthew Arnold

Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.
#4
there's already music, I really love the melody..

I'll record it sometime and upload it to the forum.

I won't expect it soon though. too many things to do.
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#5
very good man. one thing is that in the second big stanza it says 'everything seems to make sense/ everything made sense to me' i think they're kinda repetitive. like they're basically saying the same thing so i think you should change the second line up a bit. but good job none the less
#6
Everything seems to be on the TV
Everything that I'll ever need
But it's that I can't find I that little black box
Last line does not make grammatical sense. Take out the second I? Nice start, but I hope you don't go into unoriginal territory from this, that's what I'm fearing. But I have faith in you
That's drifting me further into coming back
And I'm turning into waves
Of lines that never ends
Of poetry that never spends
I like this. Very much.

And I'm coming through with my gun
Meh. Don't know if this is needed too much.

Everything seems to make sense
Everything made sense to me
But it's the shortage of wealth, mental peace or health
Can see this'll have an interesting melody. "mental peace" is a nice touch.
That made any millions to look like cents
And I'm drowning in my own gasoline
My motivation is my disease
That I brace slowly at ease
Nice, very nice. I'm impressed

And I'm coming through with my gun
And no I can't say that I'm done
Meh again.

And I'm trying my best doing my worst
Either a comma, or a but, between best and doing here, surely. Unless I'm reading it entirely wrong.
To try and make you burst in thoughts
Of Why in the world would that boy have
Anything but reality in his dreams
Very nice ideas here.

The answer is too simple
The answer is too simple

Overall I think this is impressive. Having read some of your stuff before I felt I had to attempt to critique something of yours, but I guess it was a worthless expereicne as I really couldn't find too much to fault. Very good piece.

If you could get to the one in my sig, it'd be much appreciated. Many thanks.
#7
Quote by jagstang270

Everything seems to be on the TV
Everything that I'll ever need
But it's that I can't find I that little black box
That's drifting me further into coming back
And I'm turning into waves
Of lines that never ends
Of poetry that never spends

In line 3, I think you meant "it's *what* I can't find *in* that little black box"?? That would make the most sense to me if that's a typo. I really like lines 4-6. I don't get the last line, poetry doesn't "spend" what?

And I'm coming through with my gun

Everything seems to make sense
Everything made sense to me
But it's the shortage of wealth, mental peace or health
That made any millions to look like cents
And I'm drowning in my own gasoline
My motivation is my disease
That I brace slowly at ease

I'm not sure if I like the repetition of the "everything" line twice within a stanza. I suppose if this is a song as opposed to a poem, which I would guess this is, then it would work better. I really like the sense/cents thing going on. Rest of this stanza is good, I like it.

And I'm coming through with my gun
And no I can't say that I'm done

In my opinion, I'm not sure this line does anything for the piece...

And I'm trying my best doing my worst
To try and make you burst in thoughts
Of Why in the world would that boy have
Anything but reality in his dreams

The answer is too simple
The answer is too simple

I really like the idea here, but the diction could be better, so it just seems a little bland I think.


Good piece, I really liked it overall, there are some really good ideas but I'd say my biggest complaints would be diction and word choice.
#8
Nice job, OMG!
I love it!
books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't pay..so if you keep reading, you'll go broke.

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#10
Everything seems to be on the TV
Everything that I'll ever need
But it's that I can't find I that little black box
That's drifting me further into coming back
Despite one of the lines not making sense I like this as a start
And I'm turning into waves
Of lines that never ends
Of poetry that never spends

I like this verse particularly because it has a different style of whyming than most
And I'm coming through with my gun

Everything seems to make sense
Everything made sense to me
But it's the shortage of wealth, mental peace or health
That made any millions to look like cents
And I'm drowning in my own gasoline
My motivation is my disease
That I brace slowly at ease

This is the vesre well thought out and rhymes nicely at the end

And I'm coming through with my gun
And no I can't say that I'm done

And I'm trying my best doing my worst
To try and make you burst in thoughts
Of Why in the world would that boy have
Anything but reality in his dreams

The answer is too simple
The answer is too simple

Overall a good song that I like alot, well done

Crit mine plz (Sig)
#12
Everything seems to be on the TV (thats so true lol)
Everything that I'll ever need
But it's that I can't find affixed to my sore mind
That's pushing my thoughts into being twined
And I'm turning into waves
Of lines that never ends
Of poetry that never spends ( i really like this opening, its great, it gives the reader/listener a nice feel of the song)

And I'm coming through with my gun

Everything seems to make sense
Everything made sense to me
But it's the shortage of wealth, mental peace or health
That made any millions to look like cents (I really like this part too, health>money)
And I'm drowning in my own gasoline
My motivation is my disease
That I brace slowly at ease

And I'm coming through with my gun
And no I can't say that I'm done (nicely added to the first gun part)

And I'm trying my best doing my worst
To try and make you burst in thoughts
Of Why in the world would that boy have
Anything but reality in his dreams (i really like this part too, because for some reason i feel like i can relate, which is what i like to read/hear. i think its a good thing you seem to relate to the reader/listener)

The answer is too simple
The answer is too simple

^Thats a good ending, and i like this song. Keep up the great work.
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dying hurts

empty sig
#14
oooh, awesomealicious, I quite like this, except:

And I'm trying my best doing my worst
To try and make you burst in thoughts

I know it isn't a rhyming section, but it just seems like it's unintentional forced rhyming that doesn't quite work. Otherwise it's good, be sure to post this on the recordings forum, I'm interested in how you're going to breathe life into this piece with music.

Crit mine?

Pure Soul, Impure
#15
I can't say much, I that line is really thought through...so l don't think i'm gonna change that..
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