#1
critique and i'll get back to you

i didn't recognize you
cus i didn't see the girl
that once looked up to me
she was wearing a halter top,
jeans so tight they should rip off
and her friends make me cringe
i could hear them talking
from the other side of the bus
talking about nothing
and annoying the rest of us
with their mass produced clothes
and its commercial logos
but what i hate the most
is theyr all a bunch of posers
laughing at the poor old lady
or the single mom to the right
bitching so loud i got a headache
about how they couldn't get a new cellphone
hanging out at starbucks
and drinking mocha fraps
i guess cellphone=power
and coffee=money
what our youth devours
so anyway she was with them
but the preteen wasn't you
i dont know but its a fact
i just want my cousin back
House: according to the philosophy of Jagger,
"you can't always get what you want"
cuddy: i looked up jagger. apparently
"if you try, you might just find, you get what you need"
huddy x]


Stalker.. much?
or
Runners High/Under the Sky
Last edited by oImJustHere at Feb 1, 2007,
#4
verry good, step up the writing abit, use more descriptive and longer passeges and you will do well to make this a song, i like it alot, but you should work more on a ebb and flow feeling with this song. c4c thanks alot. freedom of choice and island for broken boys
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt
#5
Is this a song? Or is it just a bit of prose? If its just prose, then i think its pretty good. I definately understand the feeling you're conveying. If its supposed to be a song, I think it has some potential but you really need to work on the flow. Some lines just dont really flow well.

Also, the line "what our youth devours". Is that relating back to "money" from the line before it? If it is i think you should change what to that, because what doesn't show any relationship to the money. It just seems like a random line thrown in right now