#1
I wrote this for a girl. Hoping it's a work of flattery.

Critique for critique of course. Let me know what you think, I might delete this and post something else tomorrow or sat.


lipgloss love and broken rubber eraser flirtation

we met unconventionally by accident,
for the boy behind the screams, holding beating sticks
and a virgin soul. unappreciation never
looked so sincere. you smiled shy and red. i wonder how
it tastes; lipgloss love and rasberry tongues.
I am envy. we never spoke past introduction.
months get lost in time; slashes, paper cut numbers.
when the leaves were dry and footprint stained we'd meet again
and draw on marble, graphite implications.
empty portfolios, unfinished art, broken rubber eraser flirtation.
it would end. scribbles through my name on that case that
you carry; all your mind survives me. sticky palms
holding electronic bounds, sending your box
a ringing sound. a tongue making common sensical
noises, advising your face of adoration.
but i never say what i want to say. your smile
is still a grey scale photo, a colored taste, graphed
out unsmudgable in lonely hopeful memories.
Last edited by clichealias at Feb 4, 2007,
#2
-"unsmudgable": you don't have the authority to make up your own words

-"sending your box a ringing sound": HAHAHAHA most unintentionally funny thing ive seen in a long time

-sounds like a bunch of randomly selected words out of a thesaurus

-VEEERRRRYYYY emo sounding (unless of course youre into that sort of thing....)
#3
Quote by rcw110131
-"unsmudgable": you don't have the authority to make up your own words

-"sending your box a ringing sound": HAHAHAHA most unintentionally funny thing ive seen in a long time

-sounds like a bunch of randomly selected words out of a thesaurus

-VEEERRRRYYYY emo sounding (unless of course youre into that sort of thing....)


I do so have that authority.

No, not a bunch of randomly selected words from a thesaurus... the vocabulary is so limited, I don't know how you could gather that.

And emo sounding? I loathe the word emo. Don't go off spitting accusations of cliche genres you don't even know the true classification of. This is a poem, and it is not post punk D.C. screaching vocals.

I don't mean to be a dick, but seriously man.
#5
Sorry, by "emo" I didn't mean the actual emo music genre, I meant the more commonly used definition of the entire subculture, i.e.: "A group of white, mostly middle-class well-off kids who find imperfections in there life and create a ridiculous, depressing melodrama around each one. They often take anti-depressants, even though the majority don't need them. They need to wake up and deal with life like everyone else instead of wallowing in their imaginary quagmire of torment."

Hope that clarifies that for ya.


(Oh, and where can I fill out an application for the submission of a new word to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary? I've always wanted to make "betterer" a word.)
#6
I meant the more commonly used definition of the entire subculture, i.e.: "A group of white, mostly middle-class well-off kids who find imperfections in there life and create a ridiculous, depressing melodrama around each one. They often take anti-depressants, even though the majority don't need them. They need to wake up and deal with life like everyone else instead of wallowing in their imaginary quagmire of torment."


Go away.

cliche: It's alright. I think you could do better, personally. The last few lines I think are solid. Before that it's a little uneven. It seems like you knew what you wanted to say, but it's hard to imagine that you said it to the best of your ability. If that makes any sense at all.

Rock On
Newest Lyrics:
[url="http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=727775[/url"]Pattern Recognition

Short Stories:
Anniversary
Last edited by Petey Cook at Feb 2, 2007,
#7
Sorry, by "emo" I didn't mean the actual emo music genre, I 
meant the more commonly used definition of the entire subculture, i.e.:  "A 
group of white, mostly middle-class well-off kids who find imperfections in 
there life and create a ridiculous, depressing melodrama around each one. 
They often take anti-depressants, even though the majority don't need them. 
They need to wake up and deal with life like everyone else instead of 
wallowing in their imaginary quagmire of torment."
Hope that clarifies that for ya.


(Oh, and where can I fill out an application for the submission of a new 
word to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary?  I've always wanted to make 
"betterer" a word.)



Right heres a lesson for you.

Emo:
1. a music style previously known as "emotional hardcore" or "emocore"

Neither refer to them being specifically "white" (congrats on your warning
for that) nor does it suggest they are on anti-depressants. You're a narrow
minded naive little child who believes that by belittling someones work you
gain superiority, especially when you decide to quote the "rcw110131
dictionary of slang" and hand us out a clarification.
Oh funny that on average 10-30 new words are added in the revision of each
edition the Oxford and Collins dictionaries publish. It also so happens that
one of the words found in both dictionaries is: Neologism.

ne·ol·o·gism [nee-ol-uh-jiz-uhm] –noun
1. a new word, meaning, usage, or phrase.
2. the introduction or use of new words or new senses of existing words.
3. a new doctrine, esp. a new interpretation of sacred writings.
4. a new word, often consisting of a combination of other words, that is
understood only by the speaker: occurring most often in literary works.

Well SHIT! Isn't that just handy for us. License aquired.


I suggest you tone down your spates in future. Also I hasten to add, post in
this thread again, you'll receive your second warning, and thus a ban too.


Steve
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Feb 2, 2007,
#8
Quote by Petey Cook
Go away.

cliche: It's alright. I think you could do better, personally. The last few lines I think are solid. Before that it's a little uneven. It seems like you knew what you wanted to say, but it's hard to imagine that you said it to the best of your ability. If that makes any sense at all.

Rock On


Nah, I know what you mean man. Not sure if I'll make many mods to this, but I know that I should if I want it to be my best. I think the girl will appreciate it either way though
#9
looked so sincere. you smiled shy and red. i wonder how
it tastes; lipgloss love and rasberry tongues.


Loved that part, especially the second line, it flows so well. I have no complaints with this, I liked this alot, I hope whoever your showing it to will also.
Sorry for the short crit, I couldn't think of a whole lot to say.
#10
i thought this was really good. alot of the lines caught me by surprise but in a great way. it puts such an awesome image and feeling in my mind. very original, deffinately a good piece.
#11
but I know that I should if I want it to be my best. I think the girl will appreciate it either way though


Well yeah, the ultimate goal is for her to be all like "Awww, how cute" or whatever. As long as you know that it's not perfect.

Rock On
Newest Lyrics:
[url="http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=727775[/url"]Pattern Recognition

Short Stories:
Anniversary
#12
Quote by Petey Cook
Well yeah, the ultimate goal is for her to be all like "Awww, how cute" or whatever. As long as you know that it's not perfect.

Rock On


her feedback was limited to "this is beautiful"

due to the fact that she has a boyfriend. i'm not in highschool but the highschool sweetheart being swept away by the ugly jock nightmare, still haunts me. :[
#14
Id say its pretty good. To me it had great descriptiveness of the feelings. Oh, and cant forget the mod reply. Absolute gold.
Quote by Vornik
Thanks for the advice. I'm going to put it, along with your other advice, into a book, the pages of which I will then use to wipe my ass.
#16
Overall I enjoyed it. In parts, the syntax of your sentences seem awkward to me, and sometimes seem like fragments, making it hard for me to understand what you're getting at, for example in the first sentence. Maybe it's just me though. And maybe poetry can be written in fragments if the author wishes, but I've been trying to avoid fragments in my own work recently, so that's probably why I picked it out. I really liked the descriptions, and the idea for this is nice. And I loooooove the internal rhyme, and the subtlety of your end rhymes is great. Question though, "all your mind survive's me," what does that mean? Like "all your mind survive is me"? Maybe it's a typo or perhaps I'm lost. But yeah, I really liked this piece, plus your situation is relateable for me.
#17
we met unconventionally by accident,
for the boy behind the screams, holding beating sticks
and a virgin soul. unappreciation never
looked so sincere. you smiled shy and red. i wonder how
it tastes; lipgloss love and rasberry tongues.


i dont really like the unconventionally and unappreciated in this stanza they seem more so the unconventionally but both i didnt really like. Other than that i cant pick on anything else to say whats wrong with it a good start. I really like the virgin soul i think it works really well after reading what the poem is about.

I am envy. we never spoke past introduction.
months get lost in time; slashes, paper cut numbers.
when the leaves were dry and footprint stained we'd meet again
and draw on marble, graphite implications.

i like this section its full of meaning and is showing the girl how you feel in a really nice way.

empty portfolios, unfinished art, broken rubber eraser flirtation.
it would end. scribbles through my name on that case that
you carry; all your mind survive's me. sticky palms
holding electronic bounds, sending your box
a ringing sound. a tongue making common sensical
noises, advising your face of adoration.

broken rubber eraser flirtation is a really clever way of saying what your saying which i assume is how youve been thinking of writing this for a long time or thinking about her for a long time something like that, really nice.

but i never say what i want to say. your smile
is still a grey scale photo, a colored taste, graphed
out unsmudgable in lonely hopeful memories.

Really good ending cant pick any problems with it at all.

i really like this piece i think its great its full of meaning and i cant see whoever it is your giving it too not liking it. I cant pick any problems particularly except for maybe the little bit in the first section other than that excellent.

Thanks for the crit on mine il keep working on it i find it hard to focus what im writing on just one thing but il work on it cheers
#19
First of all, thanks for the crit. I really appreciate it. Anyways, I thought that this was a very lovely piece you wrote. I enjoyed reading it, but the only problem I had was that it confused me. Maybe, I'm just too dense. Oh, well. Keep up the good work.
#20
i wonder how
it tastes; lipgloss love and raspberry tongues.

These were my favorite lines as well, nice imagery there. I liked it overall, though it definitely was a cliched subject. And i think it's cool that you made up your own word. That's the kind of stuff you can get away with in poetry that you can't in any other type of writing.
#21
Well I enjoyed this thread more than I enjoyed the lyrics because of the whole clarification of emo to that idiot who applied the overused, fake definiton. (Although to be fair, it does suit that definition slightly.)

I quite liked your work though. It was a poem not a song, right? You used to quite creative language and odd sentencing to describe something very cliched and often quite mundanely done. So it was an acheivement to make this interesting.

Anyway, I'm off now, I might come back and do a real crit later.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
Last edited by break-me-in at Feb 18, 2007,
#22
Quote by clichealias
I do so have that authority.

No, not a bunch of randomly selected words from a thesaurus... the vocabulary is so limited, I don't know how you could gather that.

And emo sounding? I loathe the word emo. Don't go off spitting accusations of cliche genres you don't even know the true classification of. This is a poem, and it is not post punk D.C. screaching vocals.

I don't mean to be a dick, but seriously man.



He's allowed to have his opinion, just like everyone else on this board. I for one agree that it is very stereotypical of emo lyrics, and has a pseudo-intellectual feel. I suggest you tone down your wording and use a more simple vocabulary.
Dickless.
#23
Quote by MetalMilitia212


He's allowed to have his opinion, just like everyone else on this board. I for one agree that it is very stereotypical of emo lyrics, and has a pseudo-intellectual feel. I suggest you tone down your wording and use a more simple vocabulary.


Yeah, he is allowed to have is opinion. But facts will remain law regardless ofr what an uninformed uncultured boy wants to believe.

And... I'm sorry if this is rude of me to ask, but what would I accomplsih by watering down my diction to white noise? Wouldn't that make it a little more stereotypical?