#1
once constant vision
empty as a filter,
and i’m feeling the itch.
i blame this on you.
blanket wove endearment.
palm sweated devotion.
the reasons are in this air,
blank, cold, and white.
yr trophy land,
crafted with the ease
of children hands.
but it’s too late.

i left my porch door open last night,
my cat got out.
some optical miracle must’ve caught my eye.
and i’ve been calling for him all day,
but it’s too late.
#4
once constant vision
empty as a filter,
and i’m feeling the itch.
i blame this on you.

nice opening to this poem the only part i dont like is the last line i think it seems to specific compared to the first three lines, whilst the first three are packed full of imagery the last line almost changes what the reader is reading into the piece. The first three are really good lines cant really think of any improvements.


blanket wove endearment.
palm sweated devotion.

Initialy this didnt read right to me but after re-reading it several times it became one of my favourite set of lines i really like this it flows really well and really shows the emotion thats being put across.

the reasons are in this air,
blank, cold, and white.

this is fine nothing special about it but another solid line

yr trophy land,
crafted with the ease
of children hands.
but it’s too late.

I assume yr is your and just a different way of writing it if not then imnot sure what it means. I think i like it or at least that its something different though it doesnt look too nice on a piece of writing however i dont think theres anything wrong with it. Other than this i like this section bar the last line it seems very detatched which is im sure what you were aiming for with the punctuation but for me it didnt work as well as it could have done. maybe something more powerful it seems like a very common saying that youve used.


i left my porch door open last night,
my cat got out.

it seems a bit wierd the change from the first to second stanza but its not too bad the only bit i dont like is the second line the first one is fine "my cat got out" seems much more obvious a meaning compared to the rest of your piece and as a result i dont think it really seems to fit as well and could be filled with a much better choice of words.

some optical miracle must’ve caught my eye.
and i’ve been calling for him all day,
but it’s too late.

I like the first two lines of this but again i dislike the last line i think the piece would be better off with this line removed from both stanzas.

Overrall id say good work im still sure i completely understood it but i did enjoy it. i thought it was interesting in that i needed to read it twice or more to actually begin to get it which i liked, with a few minor things it could be improved for me but its a very good piece.

Please crit one of the pieces in my sig especially "starlit entities" thanks
#5
I don't know Jarred....it just seems like there needs to be more here. Also, the two stanzas seem to be too detatched for me to make any connection. Maybe another stanza would give you the opportunity to clean this problem up.