#1
K guys, this is my first song ive written, im constructing the lyrics while im composing the song for it, these are the lyrics I have so far for it. Crit for Crit.

16 Bar rest

"Here the drums, near the drums, fear the drums" x 4 (4 Bars)

8 Bar rest

"Here the drums, near the drums, fear the drums" x 4 (4 Bars)

8 Bar rest

"Here the drums, near the drums, fear the drums" x 4 (4 Bars)

8 Bar rest

"Approaching the battle lines,
the drums are beating...
The pace quickens... for those the brave,
We move as a mindless,
Droning Mass,
The war drums... we are slaves..." (8 Bars)

"HEY! Draw your blade,
Watch the battle go on,
Your fear increasing with each step,
Never knew what war was like before...
HEY! The drums will lead you home...
The fear, the wild, the never ending!
What you never knew before..." (8 Bars)

"On the march again, looking for the day,
When we will return home...
Hope never fades...
The drums force us on, but we never know when,
Our lives will end...
Fear is on the dead trail..." (8 Bars)

"HEY! The trails of death we leave behind,
Are just a shadow of the fear,
We feel day and night...
On go the War Drums...
HEY! Another day, another march,
Towards our endless glory,
... Or so we are told..." (8 Bars)

Im about halfway through the song so far. As I said, Crit for Crit.
Quote by Vornik
Thanks for the advice. I'm going to put it, along with your other advice, into a book, the pages of which I will then use to wipe my ass.
Last edited by dann_blood at Feb 3, 2007,
#2
Great Song Man. I could see this going big or something.
I would recommend "Hope never ceases..." to be "Hope never fades" other than that very smooth flowing and sounds good. 7/10
#3
Thanks, ive changed it, any more crits?
Quote by Vornik
Thanks for the advice. I'm going to put it, along with your other advice, into a book, the pages of which I will then use to wipe my ass.
#4
Great song. I imagined it sort of like Iron Maiden, what sort of music will it be?
I'LL PUNCH A DONKEY IN THE STREETS OF GALWAY
#5
Like a Dream Theater/Tool mix.
Quote by Vornik
Thanks for the advice. I'm going to put it, along with your other advice, into a book, the pages of which I will then use to wipe my ass.
Last edited by dann_blood at Mar 7, 2007,
#6
Any more crits?
Quote by Vornik
Thanks for the advice. I'm going to put it, along with your other advice, into a book, the pages of which I will then use to wipe my ass.
#7
Any at all?
Quote by Vornik
Thanks for the advice. I'm going to put it, along with your other advice, into a book, the pages of which I will then use to wipe my ass.
#8
I like it, surprisingly similar to my first song, albeit better. I really liked how you did that "hear the drums, near the drums, fear the drums.

Although, like my first song, it's definitely a little bit literal. Writing is like an onion, where the best literature peels down to many different layers. The first layer is literal (what you see is what you get), then you see deeper and deeper into the meaning behind the words.

imo, if you used more obscure/abstract wording your lyrics might penetrate more "layers of the onion". Definitely a great start, though. Keep working on this song, I think it has potential.
New Rush album in 2007! Can't wait!
#9
Thanks. Ill try and use that.
Quote by Vornik
Thanks for the advice. I'm going to put it, along with your other advice, into a book, the pages of which I will then use to wipe my ass.
Last edited by dann_blood at Mar 7, 2007,