#1
hey guys this is my second song or set of lyrics iv written it doesnt really have a title so iv just picked out some words from the song so i can have a title il probably add another verse at some point but at the moment nothings coming. Please crit and il crit you back cheers

Delicacy is a beauty to me
All that I have is a fist of reality
Blessed with ungainliness
What is there to gain from this?
Failing to caress
And in turn impress
I will try to amend
And mend what I do
Fix all the bruising
The blood and the bone
Your touch brings conformity
Breaking this apathy

To see in the morning hour
Still shining like my desire
Standing in your beauty light
Control would just be a losing fight
Restraint is not a virtue that’s held in these parts
Strive for this feeling i have in my heart

Quality is a responsibility
Be the one to see it in me
Profound memories of starlit entities
Warming us up in the coldest times
Deriving no lonely hearts
Confiding in heartfelt laughs
Climbing through the glass and
Floating free together
Approaching me with your special zephyr
I’m reconciling a state of dementia
Last edited by Vague Ideal at Feb 5, 2007,
#3
Delicacy is a beauty to me
All that I have is a fist of reality
Blessed with ungainliness
What is there to gain from this?
Failing to caress
And in turn impress
I will try to amend
And mend what I do
Fix all the bruising
The blood and the bone
Your touch brings conformity
Your eyes break all the rules

Ehh, I like the fact that you are exploring the bounds of your and such. But this is ALL over the place. You need to find a solid medium, keeping your work sensical and flowery.


To see in the morning hour
Still shining like the desire
Standing in your beauty light
Blinded by responsiveness
Restraint is not a virtue that’s held in the heart
It is needless to say that I need no less than you

Like what desire? And the last line is very unneccesary. If it's needless to say, don't say it. Especially if it sounds extremely awkward.

Quality is a responsibility
Be the one to see it in me
Profound memories of starlit entities
Found the fortress of final feeling
Deriving no lonely hearts
Confiding in heartfelt laughs
Climbing through the glass and
Floating free together
Approaching me with your special zephyr
I’m reconciling in a state of dementia

You use typical words far too much and then try to get your reader to forget them by buttering us up with interesting, seemingly irrelevant lines.

If you're going to write something(and I can't stress this enough)... don't focus on simply wooing your reader with bologna. Keep it real, you know? I mean, those lines are fine and dandy if you can keep it stylistically and emotionally consistant, but you failed to do so here. There are some good lines though, you show a lot of potential. Keep on writing man.

My link is in the top of my signature, if you could :]

-Jacob
#4
Quote by Vague Ideal

Delicacy is a beauty to me
All that I have is a fist of reality
Blessed with ungainliness
What is there to gain from this?
Failing to caress
And in turn impress
I will try to amend
And mend what I do
Fix all the bruising
The blood and the bone
Your touch brings conformity
Your eyes break all the rules

This isn't bad, it seems a little vague and disjointed to me. How does the fist of reality connect with the delicacy? I like the rhyming here. Personally I'm not a fan of the mend/amend repetition.

To see in the morning hour
Still shining like the desire
Standing in your beauty light
Blinded by responsiveness
Restraint is not a virtue that’s held in the heart
It is needless to say that I need no less than you

I can see the delicacy bit connecting here. Things are still a little vague, like with the desire. I like the wordplay in the last line.

Quality is a responsibility
Be the one to see it in me
Profound memories of starlit entities
Found the fortress of final feeling
Deriving no lonely hearts
Confiding in heartfelt laughs
Climbing through the glass and
Floating free together
Approaching me with your special zephyr
I’m reconciling in a state of dementia

Fisrt four lines work well here, I like the last two as well. Again, I like the rhymes. But also, once again I have trouble finding connections between your ideas for some parts.


Overall it's pretty good. I did enjoy it, just the disjointedness was a turn-off. I have nothing really to nit-pick otherwise.
#5
cheers guys il work on it and try to redirect it to my original idea. In most of my pieces i seem to do that and it is very annoying, i will work on it though.
#6
Delicacy is a beauty to me
All that I have is a fist of reality
Blessed with ungainliness
This line kind of flows too choppy, I thin kit could be smoother in execution.
What is there to gain from this?
Failing to caress
And in turn impress
Nice couplet.
I will try to amend
And mend what I do
Eh, you've played on words too much already. Forgot about that, concentrate on meaning.
Fix all the bruising
The blood and the bone
Your touch brings conformity
Your eyes break all the rules
Last line is... bad, tbh. Flow is off and it just doesn't sound good imo.

To see in the morning hour
Still shining like the desire
Standing in your beauty light
Blinded by responsiveness
Again, lat two lines for me don't quite fit in terms of flow. I don't like the image of the last ine either, just doesn't connect greatly to the reader.
Restraint is not a virtue that’s held in the heart
It is needless to say that I need no less than you
Eh, needless/need no less, enough of the wordplay, it's just annoying and in the way imo.

Quality is a responsibility
Be the one to see it in me
Ugh, the lin kup between these two lines is awful, responsibility/be the one reads terribly.
Profound memories of starlit entities
Found the fortress of final feeling
Second lin, agh, doesn't feel right to be placed in there.
Deriving no lonely hearts
Confiding in heartfelt laughs
Climbing through the glass and
Floating free together
Approaching me with your special zephyr
I’m reconciling in a state of dementia
I think it could be ended better, just kind of felt forced to me. I don't know, perhaps I'm just not a fan of your style.

Harsh but fair
#7
cheers guys iv started editing it and will continue to do so soon and finish off the piece again thanks.
Jammydude: i dont think im a fan of my style either sometimes so i understand where your coming from!
#8
I thought this piece was very well written. I was able to see the connection between all the lines. Anyways, I liked the way it was worded. I really enjoyed reading it because of the rhyme scheme. It changed at times, which kept me on my toes, but it wasn't all over the place. The only line I didn't like was "Control would just be a losing fight". It just seemed to boring, and I don't like the word "fight" to be used in a song. "Fight" is to much of a lukewarm term. Other than that, this was a pretty solid piece. Nice job and keep it up, man.

Crit mine please?
Kiss my lips, sweet Eternity
#10
I like the way this is written -- it's decently done. There are places where the song is weak (most of those places have been pointed out, especially concerning the line "Still shining like the desire"), but it's an easy fix. I gather this is still being written?

7/10

Good work.

Drop a line for my recent work, if you don't care: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=519469
Music is a weapon. Use it wisely.


"So retire the ships, the final voyage was his ..."


Quote by kaktusnpoop (on Norma Jean)
I think they use Botch guitars tuned to drop Botch.
Last edited by grungefan89 at Feb 5, 2007,
#11
Delicacy is a beauty to me
All that I have is a fist of reality
Blessed with ungainliness
What is there to gain from this?i dont like how u uused gain again here
Failing to caressfrom here on to the rest of this verse i dont like
And in turn impress
I will try to amend
And mend what I do
Fix all the bruising
The blood and the bone
Your touch brings conformity
Breaking this apathy

To see in the morning hour
Still shining like my desire
Standing in your beauty light
Control would just be a losing fight
Restraint is not a virtue that’s held in these parts
Strive for this feeling i have in my heart
like that other person said, ur desire of wat?

Quality is a responsibility
Be the one to see it in me
Profound memories of starlit entities
Warming us up in the coldest times
Deriving no lonely hearts
Confiding in heartfelt laughs
Climbing through the glass and
Floating free together
Approaching me with your special zephyr
I’m reconciling a state of dementia


i didnt liek this very much, it was all over the place, not really concentrating on a main theme, making it really annoying. im reading this, then u total jump around, and im left thinking
"no no no! wait! wat about that other part??"


sorry, but i didnt like it.5/10

crit my newest if u could
#13
I mean no offense by this sir, but, it really seems like you're trying too hard with this. Just let it happen.
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いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching