#1
if I missed any crits for my last one leave a link here or pm me.


once again,
your scent stuck in my head-
solitary confinement.
picked it up right where you left it.
a dent in my bed
where we slept
together for the first time
last night and yes,
I do mean slept.

where you let me kiss
your lips, your neck but
had to put it to an end
because, to put it simply,
things are complicated.

arms around your
celestial body
warm rush
should have
been enough-
and it was

but
come morning
you woke repeatedly
each time asking
"don't you ever sleep?"
yes meant
intermittently-
light, like
walking on thin ice,
stuck in a succession of
tidbit dreams all trying
to satisfy the impossible
inquiry of what the hell we
think we're doing.

my intent still to
kiss you with fresh breath
but how where when?
as is it seems
you can only love me
at a certain
blood alcohol content

upon leaving,
you caught sight of the mirror
glass copy of your body,
make up dreamt away,
clothes you slept in,
hair gone wild as weeds,
said "oh god, don't look at me."
walked to the bathroom,
started puking.

I'm glad I finally got to see
some of your
natural beauty.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#2
once again,
your scent stuck in my head-
solitary confinement.
picked it up right where you left it.
a dent in my bed
where we slept
together for the first time
last night and yes,
I do mean slept.


I really enjoyed this, especially the solitary confinement of her scent in your head... that's great. One line I didn't really take too much interest in was "and yes I do mean slept"...


where you let me kiss
your lips, your neck but
had to put it to an end
because, to put it simply,
things are complicated.

I love "to put it simply, things are complicated"... I love sensical contradictions.

arms around your
celestial body
warm rush
should have
been enough-
and it was

Ehh.

but
come morning
you woke repeatedly
each time asking
"don't you ever sleep?"
yes meant
intermittently-
light, like
walking on thin ice,
stuck in a succession of
tidbit dreams all trying
to satisfy the impossible
inquiry of what the hell we
think we're doing.

Ahh I loved all of this, aside from the similie of walking on thin ice... you could do better than that.


my intent still to
kiss you with fresh breath
but how where when?
as is it seems
you can only love me
at a certain
blood alcohol content

i'm unsure of how her blood alcohol content has anything to do with your fresh breath... also, that the intoxication is only brought up now.

upon leaving,
you caught sight of the mirror
glass copy of your body,
make up dreamt away,
clothes you slept in,
hair gone wild as weeds,
said "oh god, don't look at me."
walked to the bathroom,
started puking.

I love "glass copy of your body".


I'm glad I finally got to see
some of your
natural beauty

I'm guessing this isn't supposed to be entirely romantic. That's the feel I got from these final stanzas anyhow. Just doesn't feel all that sentimental after she walks to the bathroom and pukes. I think for what you're going for this last stanza could be expanded and strike your reader more with a feeling of understanding.

Overall it wasn't bad, I enjoyed a lot of the lines. But, I've read much better from you.

If you get a chance, you could check out one of the pieces in the top of my signature.

-Jacob
#3
once again,
your scent stuck in my head-
solitary confinement.
picked it up right where you left it.mabe cut out the word 'it'
a dent in my bed
where we slepttry adding'both' between we and slept
together for the first time
last night and yes,
I do mean slept.

where you let me kiss
your lips, your neck butwen im reading this, i read,lips,neck,but. so at first im left thinking you kissed her but, untill i realize its leading onto the next line.
had to put it to an end
because, to put it simply,
things are complicated.i would add in 'so' between are and comlicated

arms around your
celestial body
warm rush
should have
been enough-
and it wasthis line is a little weak imo

but
come morning
you woke repeatedly
each time asking
"don't you ever sleep?"
yes meant
intermittently-
light, like
walking on thin ice,
stuck in a succession of
tidbit dreams all trying
to satisfy the impossible
inquiry of what the hell we
think we're doing.
this whole verse just sounded liek rambaling on and on, and the first part didnt make sense to me
my intent still to
kiss you with fresh breath
but how where when?add in commas to make it more undersstandable
as is it seemsim guessing u accidently put in the 'it'
you can only love me
at a certain
blood alcohol content

upon leaving,
you caught sight of the mirror
glass copy of your body,
make up dreamt away,
clothes you slept in,
hair gone wild as weeds,
said "oh god, don't look at me."
walked to the bathroom,
started puking.i dont liek this line at all, doesnt seem to work with the rest, and seems like a abrupt end for the verse

I'm glad I finally got to see
some of your
natural beauty.nice finish

overal, not bad, some parts seemed like its was ramabling on, and you kept on divideing the sentences into more and more lines, somtimes making almost impossible to read/understand.
#4
i like it, for a love song, but i agree i have heard much better from you keep it up
Don't try engaging me
The vaguest of shrugs
The prescription drugs
You'll never find
A person inside

Quote by saphrax
I agree with This End Up
#5
I loved it. All your stuff reminds me of someone, in either a great or dismal way, thanks.
#6
You're the master of your game right now.

"walking" near the end can be changed, stumbled or something, just to make the ending have a bit more impact.

that's about it

I've got a new one in my sig, if you oculd leave an as pitiful comment as this one. I'm trying different styles, and I'm lost on it. Many thanks... Kevin.
#7
Beautiful. Sorry for sucking up as always. On the contrary to someone above, I thought:

my intent still to
kiss you with fresh breath
but how where when?
as is it seems
you can only love me
at a certain
blood alcohol content

--this stanza, was amazing.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#8
yeah, I was/am really unsure of this one. thanks a lot guys. those of you who wanted crits, will do. smash tournament first- back around 6. then.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#9
This whole thing was ****ing amazing. Best thing you've written since a sketch of unfounded minds on scrap paper which in my opinion you will never top.
#10
it's kind of depressing to think I'll never beat something from when I was 17
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#11
this = great piece.


I don't believe I've seen you for a while. Probably cause I haven't been in S&L for a while either. Now about this piece...


Great flow, read very well, without pauses, even though at first i thought it would be bad because of the seemingly hectic line changes.

Meaning is pretty well understandable, but not so obvious that its boring. Also the way you put it, the way about about blood alcohol content, is masterful.

Lack of rhyme scheme. Love this. Just ahd to say this cause I'm not a huge fan of rhyme.

Some of the imgaery wasn't so great, it may have seemed a bit forced. And the simile refering to thin ice is bland, and boring.


that's pretty much it. if you could crit mine it would be good. I just love how you can tear apart my pieces.
#12
I really liked this piece. It was very emotional, and of course, writing should convey emotion. The rhythm was very natural and it flowed throughout. For the most part, the word was beautiful. Not too complex and over the top, but also not too simple. The only problem I have is the use of the phrase "fresh breath". It just reminds me of a toothpaste commercial. I suggest maybe using a different adjective instead of fresh, but that's just my opinion. While, I thought the entire piece was very good, I have to say that the last two stanzas were my favorite. Great job and keep it up, man.

Crit mine please?
Kiss my lips, sweet Eternity
#15
dude i can relate to this fully what with the last 8 days i spent in virginia with this girl in her apartment, except for the throwing up part. the 99% relateability made me enjoy this extremely muchly, not to mention that it was extremely muchly well written.
#16
megannnnn! love you too!

thanks guys, yeah, I'll do your pieces. right after work (I promise). they should all be done by 9 at the latest.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in