#1
Hey, this is my latest lyrical effort. I don't really like the title, so if anyone has any ideas for a better one, post 'em. Crit-for-crit, of course.

Cheers!

Sharpshooter

One blank paper to drain out your soul,
Headless men come to back up my trigger
Target my barrel straight at your goal,
Start a revolt with one pull of my finger.
Time's been lost, but I'm always on call,
Kickin' my heels and cryin' surrender
Bringing my fist and a gun to your brawl,
How could I know I was such an offender?

Chorus:
Squaring off, just take a step,
Can't say no, but I see what your game is.
Apathy is what I'm left,
Come on now, let's see how your aim is.

Pin me up on the walls that you build,
Take five minutes to run down your highway
Bringing to life all the things that got killed,
Make it a point to never contact me.
I spit out all the things you ignore,
Turnin' your back not to see the reaction
Lock it all up inside of my drawer,
After all, I am just your distraction.

Can't say all of the things that I think,
Some things can't be known without speaking
Scrawl them across the paper with ink,
How could you know the havoc you're wreaking?
#2
One blank paper to drain out your soul,
Headless men come to back up my trigger
Target my barrel straight at your goal,
Start a revolt with one pull of my finger.
Time's been lost, but I'm always on call,
Kickin' my heels and cryin' surrender
Bringing my fist and a gun to your brawl,
How could I know I was such an offender?

This was an amazing first verse, and i didnt see a single cliche thing in it. it also had great flow and good use of words. i liked the rhyme scheme as well.

Chorus:
Squaring off, just take a step,
Can't say no, but I see what your game is.
Apathy is what I'm left,
Come on now, let's see how your aim is.

Once again, great flow and rhyme scheme. + points for originality.

Pin me up on the walls that you build,
Take five minutes to run down your highway
Bringing to life all the things that got killed,
Make it a point to never contact me.
I spit out all the things you ignore,
Turnin' your back not to see the reaction
Lock it all up inside of my drawer,
After all, I am just your distraction.

Once again, amazing. i think this is some of the best stuff ive seen on this site in a while.

Can't say all of the things that I think,
Some things can't be known without speaking
Scrawl them across the paper with ink,
How could you know the havoc you're wreaking?
Powerfull, not cliche, and overall amazing.

10/10

Two thumbs up

P.s. could you crit soma mine?
Last edited by Smoothrider_41 at Feb 2, 2007,
#3
I agree it's very original and has a great flow. The last stanza, though, left it kind of hanging, like he should have elaborated on why he can't say the things he's thinking, etc. It's true there don't seem to be any cliches, but I think you should develop the character a little more, give some background or something. As for a title, how about "Plinking" its funny
#4

10/10

Two thumbs up

P.s. could you crit soma mine?

Wow, thanks a lot! I really hadn't expected that kind of reaction for this song. Yeah, of course I'll crit yours.

And about that last verse there, I meant for that to be the very end of the song, and I wanted it to have kind of an abrupt, unexpected ending. That's why it's cut off like that. Do you think it would be better to finish the verse out? And as far as background, I'm not quite sure what you mean by that. The main "character" in the song is me, so I'm not sure how that would work...could you perhaps explain more what you mean?
But much thanks for the input! Plinking...lol.

Anyone else?
#5
that was great, hey and thanks for the beck reference in mine, i love beck, yours is very deep and powerful, is it kinda slow and deep? like melody wise?
Don't try engaging me
The vaguest of shrugs
The prescription drugs
You'll never find
A person inside

Quote by saphrax
I agree with This End Up
#6
Actually, (hehe) speaking of Beck, it's supposed to be kind of a Beck style pseudo-half-rap thing. Perhaps not quite as rap as Beck does, because that's hard to duplicate, but that same sort of style and flow. Very much a rhythm-based song. As far as melody goes, the melody isn't very complicated at all, there's only a few notes in it.

Thanks!
#7
I liked it, even though I wasn't really into the theme. It was really good though. 8.5/10. I imagined it being a southern hardcore or punky upbeat song. Either way I don't think this would be hard to turn into something good.
#8
Quote by Matt.Chavie
I liked it, even though I wasn't really into the theme. It was really good though. 8.5/10. I imagined it being a southern hardcore or punky upbeat song. Either way I don't think this would be hard to turn into something good.


Thanks for the input!
Hmmm...what do you mean by the theme? Could you expand upon what you mean at all?
#9
Quote by houseofllama
Thanks for the input!
Hmmm...what do you mean by the theme? Could you expand upon what you mean at all?

By theme I meant the war references.
#10
Man, I gotta tell you this piece was excellent. It just seemed so "bad-ass" for lack of a better word. I liked the theme of the piece. It kind of reminded me of a mercernary, but I might be totally off. Anyways, I thought the flow was great and once again I loved the wording. Sorry, i couldn't give you a proper crit, but I don't see anything wrong with this piece. It was very original and just flatout great.

Crit mine please?
Heaven Hibernates in Hell
#12
Quote by themarsvolta
Man, I gotta tell you this piece was excellent. It just seemed so "bad-ass" for lack of a better word. I liked the theme of the piece. It kind of reminded me of a mercernary, but I might be totally off. Anyways, I thought the flow was great and once again I loved the wording. Sorry, i couldn't give you a proper crit, but I don't see anything wrong with this piece. It was very original and just flatout great.

Crit mine please?
Heaven Hibernates in Hell


Hey, thanks for the feedback. That's the first time anyone has ever referred to anything I've done as "bad-ass," lol.

Yeah, sure I'll crit yours ASAP!
#13
Quote by houseofllama
Wow, thanks a lot! I really hadn't expected that kind of reaction for this song. Yeah, of course I'll crit yours.

And about that last verse there, I meant for that to be the very end of the song, and I wanted it to have kind of an abrupt, unexpected ending. That's why it's cut off like that. Do you think it would be better to finish the verse out? And as far as background, I'm not quite sure what you mean by that. The main "character" in the song is me, so I'm not sure how that would work...could you perhaps explain more what you mean?
But much thanks for the input! Plinking...lol.

Anyone else?

I don't think that's the kind if verse you should end with, maybe something abrupt happens, but not just ending it in the middle of a thought by the narrator. By background I guess I meant more information on why he's a sharpshooter or something, but now that I think about it I can see why you wouldn't want to do that. Very good though

Edit: Ohhh....
Last edited by Siftings at Feb 2, 2007,
#14
Quote by Siftings
I don't think that's the kind if verse you should end with, maybe something abrupt happens, but not just ending it in the middle of a thought by the narrator. By background I guess I meant more information on why he's a sharpshooter or smething, but now that I think about it I can see why you wouldn't want to do that. Very good though


Well, actually, the "sharpshooter" thing refers to the person being addressed, not the narrator. I don't really want to get into too much detail here, because the song is meant to be kind of vague in its nature.

Now that I've thought more about it, I think I'm going to finish that verse after all. Might as well, eh? lol...
#16
One blank paper to drain out your soul,
Headless men come to back up my trigger
Target my barrel straight at your goal,
Start a revolt with one pull of my finger.
Time's been lost, but I'm always on call,
Kickin' my heels and cryin' surrender
Bringing my fist and a gun to your brawl,
How could I know I was such an offender?

Great stuff nothing i can really pick at with this if it carries on like this then this will be a really useless crit!


Chorus:
Squaring off, just take a step,
Can't say no, but I see what your game is.
Apathy is what I'm left,
Come on now, let's see how your aim is.

Again good but not quite to the same standard as your verse i dont think theres nothing particularly wrong with it maybe L3 could be improved a little i like L2 and L4 a lot.


Pin me up on the walls that you build,
Take five minutes to run down your highway
Bringing to life all the things that got killed,
Make it a point to never contact me.
I spit out all the things you ignore,
Turnin' your back not to see the reaction
Lock it all up inside of my drawer,
After all, I am just your distraction.

Can't say all of the things that I think,
Some things can't be known without speaking
Scrawl them across the paper with ink,
How could you know the havoc you're wreaking?

Last two stanzas are great

Only real way of improvement is maybe in the chorus but other than that this is an excellent piece keep it up! please check out one of mine in my sig
#17
Sharpshooter

One blank paper to drain out your soul,
Headless men come to back up my trigger
Target my barrel straight at your goal,
Start a revolt with one pull of my finger.
Time's been lost, but I'm always on call,
Kickin' my heels and cryin' surrender===== i dont liek this line, thats just me
Bringing my fist and a gun to your brawl,
How could I know I was such an offender?

Chorus:
Squaring off, just take a step,
Can't say no, but I see what your game is.
Apathy is what I'm left,
Come on now, let's see how your aim is.

Pin me up on the walls that you build,
Take five minutes to run down your highway
Bringing to life all the things that got killed,
Make it a point to never contact me.
I spit out all the things you ignore,
Turnin' your back not to see the reaction
Lock it all up inside of my drawer,
After all, I am just your distraction.

Can't say all of the things that I think,
Some things can't be known without speaking
Scrawl them across the paper with ink,
How could you know the havoc you're wreaking?
__________________


good, i like it.hm, just that one line i didnt like very much.

very good, add some music and record it and put it up here, id be glad to hear it.
9/10
sorry for the lame crit, jsut not much to spot in this one.

crit my newest if u could