#1
crit 4 crit

HEAVEN HIBERNATES IN HELL

You fool, why do you mourn
The death of the unborn?

Your wrong my dear sweet Eve
Love’s child has been conceived


I read the names that were carved
On the Tree of Life
Yours and mine
Yours and mine
My fingers traced the heart
Tattooed on the bark
Weathered by the seasons of time

Cast out from the Garden
By the Cherubim

Walk with me in Eden
Let this not be our fate
You hold the keys
Now open the gate
In Hell we lie
When Heaven’s always been
In front of our eyes

The leaves all turned brown
In the autumn
Of our love
Of our love
And as they touched the ground
I recalled my vows
I will unearth what once was

Cast out from the Garden
By the Cherubim

Walk with me in Eden
Let this not be our fate
You hold the keys
Now open the gate
In Hell we lie
When Heaven’s always been
In front of our eyes

Of course the apple has worms
What apple doesn’t?
Yes of course this love burns
What fire doesn’t?

Walk with me in Eden
Let this not be our fate
You hold the keys
Now open the gate
In Hell we lie
When Heaven’s always been
In front of our eyes
#2
Thanks for your crit! Here's one in return:

Quote by themarsvolta
crit 4 crit

HEAVEN HIBERNATES IN HELL

You fool, why do you mourn
The death of the unborn?

Your wrong my dear sweet Eve
Love’s child has been conceived


I read the names that were carved
On the Tree of Life
Yours and mine
Yours and mine
My fingers traced the heart
Tattooed on the bark
Weathered by the seasons of time

Cast out from the Garden
By the Cherubim

Walk with me in Eden
Let this not be our fate
You hold the keys
Now open the gate
In Hell we lie
When Heaven’s always been
In front of our eyes
Best part of the song, right here...the flow is good, and the rhyming is just right!

The leaves all turned brown
In the autumn
Of our love
Of our love
And as they touched the ground
I recalled my vows
I will unearth what once was

Cast out from the Garden
By the Cherubim

Walk with me in Eden
Let this not be our fate
You hold the keys
Now open the gate
In Hell we lie
When Heaven’s always been
In front of our eyes

Of course the apple has worms
What apple doesn’t?
Yes of course this love burns
What fire doesn’t?
Another great part, cool connection between the apple/Eden concept and then the Hell/fire thing. At least, that's what I saw.

Walk with me in Eden
Let this not be our fate
You hold the keys
Now open the gate
In Hell we lie
When Heaven’s always been
In front of our eyes


Can't really complain about this one, it's good. The concepts are solid and I really liked reading it. I could really identify with this one!

Cheers and good luck!
#3
i really like the feel and flow of it,
even though the concept is religious,
it doesnt have the dull feel that some cliche christian poems have

crit?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=517538
#4
this is probably one of the best pieces i've seen from you, of course, i haven't been here in a few months. but really, youve gotten a lot better from when i last saw one of your pieces.

the beginnig was alittle shaky i thought, the first 4 lines i think, the AABB rhyme didnt get me into it. but it smoothed out. Ilove the repetition of the lines "yours and mine" and "of our love". You left a bit of room for interpretation in this song too, so people can figure out what the meaning is for themselves. This is proabably one of the only songs/poems i've enjoyed that invloved biblical or religious references.

overall, this is just a good job.


If you feel like checking mine out, its somehwere on this page probably lol.
#5
Yes of course this love burns
What fire doesn’t?
--- i love this line---
anyways, this song is amazing... i love the way you worded everything... it gives great imagery... yeah dont change a thing
Member # 5 of Can't we forget about all the subgenres and just ROCK? club

#6
I enjoyed this piece quite a bit. Granted, the symbols used have been used before, you still did it pretty well. One thing I would suggest to have yours stand out would be to not say "eden" or "eve"... It's just too blunt for my liking, I loved "carved our names in the tree of life".

But, other than that, no really notable problems.

If you could, my latest is linked in the top of my signature.
#7
Great. I liked it alot. I could just imagine it in an Opeth song. Brilliant.
Quote by Vornik
Thanks for the advice. I'm going to put it, along with your other advice, into a book, the pages of which I will then use to wipe my ass.
#8
You fool, why do you mourn
The death of the unborn?

Your wrong my dear sweet Eve
Love’s child has been conceived

I read the names that were carved
On the Tree of Life
Yours and mine=====these lines would serve good as a backround echoe
Yours and mine
My fingers traced the heart
Tattooed on the bark
Weathered by the seasons of time
======awsome
Cast out from the Garden
By the Cherubim

Walk with me in Eden
Let this not be our fate
You hold the keys
Now open the gate
In Hell we lie
When Heaven’s always been
In front of our eyes
====confused me a little
The leaves all turned brown
In the autumn
Of our love====again, try haveing thes parts echoe
Of our love
And as they touched the ground
I recalled my vows
I will unearth what once was
===awsome again.
Cast out from the Garden
By the Cherubim

Walk with me in Eden
Let this not be our fate
You hold the keys
Now open the gate
In Hell we lie
When Heaven’s always been
In front of our eyes

Of course the apple has worms
What apple doesn’t?
Yes of course this love burns
What fire doesn’t?

Walk with me in Eden
Let this not be our fate
You hold the keys
Now open the gate
In Hell we lie
When Heaven’s always been
In front of our eyes
==== i probly would cut otu the last chorus, and end it with the "....wat fire doesnt"
it was very good, im sorry really could find much wrong with it.um, the one verse (or mabe the chorus?)tho...

Walk with me in Eden
Let this not be our fate
You hold the keys
Now open the gate
In Hell we lie
When Heaven’s always been
In front of our eyes

so... this story is about adam and eve im guessiing ( dont kno much of it, even tho im christain. )
but how were they in hell? but i love it, its awsome, unique and original topic in my opion.and u expressed it greatly and created great imagery. keep it up.
#9
Yes of course this love burns
What fire doesn’t?


hugely, immensely impressive line.

Solid, solid, solid writing from you, as per usual. I feel bad when I critique your pieces because I can never find much to fault, there so.. solid, and you're so conisistent.

This was much better than your last. Nice going, tmv