#1
This is a song written about my hometown, I don't expect anybody to know anything about it, but if you read between the lines it might be informative. It's written in a punk and rock mix kind of style. Listen to Rock N Roll Soldiers "Gunz Out" to get a good idea for the vocals. Crit for a crit...

Verse 1
Dirty minds think alike while bad girls talk of suicide
I will fight all your battles and swallow all your pride
Before I choose to sacrifice your life for a record deal
Make up a story about you then sell it for a dollar bill

Verse 2
I’m going to hang you up on a cross in the middle of town
You’ll get a luxury crucifixion and you pay no money down
Beat you like a piñata until change falls from your mouth
People pick up quarters like they were pills in the south

Chorus
Drop you from the ceiling just to see the waste
Then drink up all your blood just to get a taste
Box with my shadow in the light to see who wins
And find out the better of these two toxic twins
Loser sleeps in the yard with that freaky gnome
Lie flat out like a doormat and say welcome home

Verse 3
Wake up wearing a top hat and a white coat doused in mud
Surrounded by ugly rednecks in overalls that call me Bud
Toss all your gold and your friends into the melting pot
Because all your deer antlers and drugs don’t mean squat

Verse 4
Burning American flags and a fag in your pick up truck
Put out the fire, you keep blowing smoke out your butt
Talk to everyone you see like they’re a bunch of hicks
Introduce them to your sister who’s out turning tricks

Chorus
Drop you from the ceiling just to see the waste
Then drink up all your blood just to get a taste
Box with my shadow in the light to see who wins
And find out the better of these two toxic twins
Loser sleeps in the yard with that freaky gnome
Lie flat out like a doormat and say welcome home

Breakdown

Chorus
Drop you from the ceiling just to see the waste
Then drink up all your blood just to get a taste
Box with my shadow in the light to see who wins
And find out the better of these two toxic twins
Loser sleeps in the yard with that freaky gnome
Lie flat out like a doormat and say welcome home

Welcome home...

Welcome home...
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!
#2
overall the story telling and flow is good . you carried out aabbcc rhythm pattern in chorus pretty good .cant see anything that you should change . overall its good . i have seen many of your songs and i must admit you have a talent to write about variety of things ofcourse i mean in a positive aspect . i will look frwrd to see more of your work
till then take care and god bless you
Hi
#3
It was pretty good, the whole song rhymed except for the first verse's last two lines. The story was converyed really well. And I kinda get what is going on where you live, and I get the feeling that everyone is out for themselves. I have a link in my sig. box. and I just posted a new piece called "An Evening Event Causing; Great Distortion. Nice piece tho.
#4
abhishek 21: I appreciate the compliment man, thanks for the crit I was just about to go cruising for some to read so I could get some advice

Matt.Chavie: Thanks for the crit, and you pretty much got the jist of it all so that makes me feel good.

I'll get back to the both of you all, and probably read a couple more later on
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!
#6
wow, that was great. I don't have anything to critisize about it.
I liked the line "People pick up quarters like they were pills in the south."
hey my song is in my sig.
www.myspace.com/slackerfridaysolong
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