#1
C4C

Kind of a segment of a short story I wrote a while back. Thought I'd post it here. Enjoy.


The moon's glow reflects off of the surface of the snow and I can see her silhouette in the dim light. I reach out to her, and she backs away from me like an cornered animal. Clenched in one of her hands is a matchbook, and next to her, on the ground, is a can of gas.

"Please," I say, "come back. It's okay, it's gonna be alright." But she just moves further away, and as a thin beam of light shines on her face I can see her face is slick with sweat, or tears.

"You promised," she accuses, her voice cracking, "you promised. You said you'd always be there, you said you'd go anywhere I went. You promised."

"I know, and I'm right here." I tell her, "Please, it's gonna be okay. She just shakes her head, disbelieving. My best friend has lost too much, felt too much pain. She won't come back to me, to where I can help her. I feel a wrenching feeling in my chest, and I know I've lost her forever. But I won't, I won't ever lose her.

Time seems to move so slowly. The sorrow in my chest is gone. The only thing that exists to me is her face, and my need to prove to her that I will go anywhere, be anything for her. Suddenly I am right in front of her, and my fingers are running through her hair. Her cheeks are pink from the cold and there are tear tracks running down her face. I need to prove to her. I need to.

I move so my face is inches away from hers. I can feel her breathing, short, desperate gasps of air. I reach down slowly and take the matches from her hand.

And finally, the full moon shines down on us and I pour the gas out over our heads. I enfold her in one last embrace and her eyes light up, comprehending what I am going to do for her. I light a match, and as it burns, the flame getting closer and closer to the clothing on our bodies...I begin to sing a song, one that I made up a long time ago, a song just for her...


"It's gonna be alright girl, it's gonna be alright.
Just picture us dancing 'til the day turns into night.

It's gonna be alright girl, I swear to you it is.
Just imagine us here until the dark turns into light.

If you ever feel like nothing,
I'll make you feel like something.

It's gonna be alright girl, it's gonna be alright.
Just imagine your life is bright and you'll be fine.
It's gonna be alright..."
Last edited by _hero_ at Feb 4, 2007,
#2
first off, thanks for the review on my latest,
2nd, I really like how this one goes from like
"extremely descriptive story"
into
"cool rhyming song/poem"

I have no idea why theyre burning themselves
But it sounds damn cool
#4
That story's fricken awesome! It was so romantic, but bittersweet. Its a lot better than most of those "traditional" but pretty predictable love stories. 10 / 10 I wouldn't change anything, but you should post the rest of it - if this is any indication of your style of writing.
#5
i am not into much of story writing so cant crit it but it was amazing like a guy said cool way to die
Hi
#6
I liked it, for the story I would suggest using bigger words and a wider vocabulary, but I liked it a lot. And the song on the bottom was great, and could definately be expanded into a bigger piece. 9.25/10. And how was the guy singing while he was on fire, I imagine it being hard to hold a note on fire. lol
#7
That had to be one of the most beautiful stories I ever read. Beautiful in a macabe sort of way, but beautiful nonetheless. Perhaps you'll post the other segments? I'm really looking forward to reading them. Anyways, this was excellent and that's all I have to say.
#8
this is very very good. i feel it loses soem of the tension/excitement/quality whatever u wanna call it, in the 4th stanza.

but thats nitpicking. because it rises straight back up, and the ending is beautiful

great
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#9
mmm, thanks, honestly though lol, i found this in my school notebook, and I guess I don't really know if there's other parts.
#10
Ooooooh I don't know about this.

It was nice writing, yes, but I don't know, it just felt slightly... forced.

I don't know if this was an early attempt or you're a regular of this sort of thing, but it kind of felt really forced, especially the first half, alot of "she said" "I did this" stuff. It's my only problem and I don't really know how to explain it, but I don't feel that this was written in a flowing way, for me it feels unnatural. I don't know, I've probably confused.

On the whole, very good, but I can't quite say I liked it
#12


Yeah. I meant it was good ideas and all, but it just felt... unnatural, or something. I don't know. I don't think it read as a proper. published story, if you get what I mean. Like it felt forced... but you still wrote parts well.

Yeah. Confusing
#15
that was sooooo emo lol jk. it was pretty intense
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