#1
This ones pretty personal
(i didnt feel like rhyming at the time, so i wrote it freeverse)

Business Lessons For Modern Heretics

Safetly nestled,
From the grasp of your mind,
Covered traces, or so you happen to think.
A long return home, a so called rendezvous,
Only to be greeted by what you remember,
Has been forgotten.
Found out, for better?
Or worse?
Stumbling to grasp reality,
You tremble.
(and to think days passed harmless?)
Of course not.
What is? what could have been? what was?
Before, well, you know.
Cover your tracks with the subtlest of lies.
And as you dig deeper, trapped,
Enslaved by your actions,
Which could have been avoided.
(would seem so much easier had you,)
Listened to the voice inside,
Your thick, overimpressionable skull.
I mean, at least now you know,

You get what you pay for
When you dance with the devil.
Last edited by JadeFalcon5 at Feb 2, 2007,
#2
I really liked it, it was more of my thing. vs the typical kill the gov. threads or cliche. I didn't like the last two lines, if those were gone or changed it'd be way better. And you don't have to crit or anything, but check out my link, it is something I actually used my brain to write, and I think you might like it. Thanks.
#3
you know what i think? i think it was a great idea to put this in free verse. Personally, i think if you had made it rhyme you would have taken away from the meaning, and I'm the kind of person that lieks meaning over rhyme and other literary devices i guess.

Not bad. I like how it flows,. Some of the lines and sentences were a bit jumbled and are hard to interpret. overall though ,you did a good job of writing this. the last two lines...i'm kind of spilt over. You sum it up good wit them, but it just seems a bit cliched.


If you want to check out my latest, youll probably find it somewher eon this page haha. or my sig, when i get around to changing it.
#4
Quote by _hero_
you know what i think? i think it was a great idea to put this in free verse. Personally, i think if you had made it rhyme you would have taken away from the meaning, and I'm the kind of person that lieks meaning over rhyme and other literary devices i guess.

Not bad. I like how it flows,. Some of the lines and sentences were a bit jumbled and are hard to interpret. overall though ,you did a good job of writing this. the last two lines...i'm kind of spilt over. You sum it up good wit them, but it just seems a bit cliched.


If you want to check out my latest, youll probably find it somewher eon this page haha. or my sig, when i get around to changing it.


yeah, Ive gotten a lot of comments from other people about the last 2 lines
I mean, it works, but there could always be something better.
Last edited by JadeFalcon5 at Feb 3, 2007,
#6
Hey man, thanks for the crit. I really appreciate it. Anyways, I enjoyed reading thios piece. The piece felt deep and very personal. It all read very cynically, and the lack of rhyme helped this. While, I'm not a big fan of non-rhyming pieces, this one was an expection. Overall, a very solid piece. Great job and I'm looking forward to reading more of your pieces.