#1
Was it wrong of me, to check up an see
Whats wrong with me, i just wanna feel again
Took a piece of me, look at all people smiling, crying
everywhere i go, i feel, like im losing her,i feel like im losin me
Above all this ,above the trees, will i be okay some day, i hope
cause i havent found my way, im sitting down, an watching her go
away from my life, an i just

Cryyyyyy. every night, before i sleep,
i cryyyyyy every night before i sleep,
Shes in my dreams, shes in my heart
If i die inside, can i just restart
shes in me, shes in my dreams, shes in me, shes in my heart
I cryyyy every night, before i sleep, before i dream,
will i get a chance to breathe

Ive watched the towers, from a view,thinking of all the thing i said to u
ive been hanging around,feelin the grass, smell the air, an the touch the trees
but it all just makes me feel like im dyin inside, whats the point of walkin around
wats the point of anything ive found or done, if your not in my life
ive been here, an there, ive been watching all the side lines, break an form
inside the thoughts i said, will be with her before im dead, an i think about the times
ive shared, with her, every moment i dream or think i might as well shoot out my brains cause i just

crryyyyyyyy every night before i sleep
i cryyyyyyy every night, before i sleep , before i dream
shes in my dreams, shes in my heart
if i see her again where do i start
shes in me, shes in my dreams, shes in me, shes in my heart
i cryyyyyy every night before i sleep before i dream
will i get a chance to see, her again
will i get a chance..to breathe her in


ive stood by, long enough, if an apple falls can it be picked up?
If shes gone so far, out, with someone else, can I have a chance still
Is it over, is it gone, is it over, an maybe i should just give up
just give up..just give up,, just give up..ive had enough
i want to sleep..ive had enough its been tough weeks, ive had enough i cant live
my life in a dream.....oh ...in a dream...

end
#2
Was it wrong of me, to check up an see
Whats wrong with me, i just wanna feel again
Took a piece of me, look at all people smiling, crying
everywhere i go, i feel, like im losing her,i feel like im losin me
Above all this ,above the trees, will i be okay some day, i hope
cause i havent found my way, im sitting down, an watching her go
away from my life, an i just


This was probably your best start, a decent set up without sounding too pathetic as far as this type of song would go.

Cryyyyyy. every night, before i sleep,
i cryyyyyy every night before i sleep,
Shes in my dreams, shes in my heart
If i die inside, can i just restart
shes in me, shes in my dreams, shes in me, shes in my heart
I cryyyy every night, before i sleep, before i dream,
will i get a chance to breathe


I know this song is about "her" but the she's...here, there, and where ever seems really redundent. I've tried to work it out several different ways and it just doesn't work out any way. It's your song so it's your choice, but I would find a way to revise that part if anything. Personally I think it kills the chorus.

I
ve watched the towers, from a view,thinking of all the thing i said to u
ive been hanging around,feelin the grass, smell the air, an the touch the trees
but it all just makes me feel like im dyin inside, whats the point of walkin around
wats the point of anything ive found or done, if your not in my life
ive been here, an there, ive been watching all the side lines, break an form
inside the thoughts i said, will be with her before im dead, an i think about the times
ive shared, with her, every moment i dream or think i might as well shoot out my brains cause i just


This part just seemed poorly structured. It's just hard to read and picture in a song, know what I mean? To have a good constructive criticism or praise of this piece at this point is really hard. When writing a song out, type it out how it's supposed to be song, cuz otherwise it looks like a bunch of rambling at this point. The run on sentences don't help at all. So honestly I can't give an opinion on this part until it's revised.


ive stood by, long enough, if an apple falls can it be picked up?
If shes gone so far, out, with someone else, can I have a chance still
Is it over, is it gone, is it over, an maybe i should just give up
just give up..just give up,, just give up..ive had enough
i want to sleep..ive had enough its been tough weeks, ive had enough i cant live
my life in a dream.....oh ...in a dream...


Again this part has a lot of parts that are done over way too many times. Especially the whole is it... and just give up parts. Reading it, it just doesn't sound smooth, more like rambling, which is bad for a listener. So i'd suggest just saying each once rotating the words, like "Just give up, I've had enough, just give up, that's tough luck." Very few times does repeating the same words over and over again fly, which mainly those songs, lyrics are dependent upon the music, not the music on the lyrics. The ramones were very good at that.

I hope I didn't seem too critical of the song. I was just giving an honest opinion and personally I hate it when people start flaming. But just remember one thing, no matter what anyone tells you, this is your song and however you choose to represent it is your thing. So if you don't agree then kudos to you, but just remember most of us in this forum are here to help.

Oh, and if you have time, crit my song below.