#1
crit 4 crit as always . be harsh no problem


Verse 1
I saw in pictures how you’re growing old
Sitting here we were talking about it
Someone wake me with the knock on my door
Just to see how I am doing without you
Like a fish in the crimson tide
Finding reasons for her fight
In bits n pieces I am fading away
Like a bird who’s leaving the cage
Standing here on your grave
Now I hear what you wanted to say

Chorus
Her last words carved on the stone
Filled with things she wanted to say
About her love, about her life
How pain and hurt are one and the same
So go be strong
Don’t let pain remember you
Go move on
Let this life remember you

You maybe gone for forever my love
It’s another face of reality
Dressed with thoughts I remember you
Still memories are haunting me
For my fears your tears were shown
Like a child who’s leaving the home
Standing here I am all alone
Now I hear what you wanted to say

Chorus
Her last words carved on the stone
Filled with things she wanted to say
About her love, about her life
How pain and hurt are one and the same
So go be strong
Don’t let pain remember you
Go move on
Let this life remember you
Hi
#2
Nice, I love the second part of the chorus where you alternate with the shorter and longer lines. However, in the second verse I'm not so sure on "Like a child who’s leaving the home", it has a strange sound to it which I'm not keen on.
The will to neither strive nor cry,
The power to feel with others give.
Calm, calm me more; nor let me die
Before I have begun to live.

-Matthew Arnold

Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.
#3
This is really good! i liked it alot. i agree with Dinkydaisy on taking that one line out. Other than that nice song!
"This love is killing me but you're the only one, it's not over"---Daughtry
#5
this, is a good piece. I honestly can't say i see anything wrong with it. for the line about leaving the home...i suggest taking out the word "the" so its "like a child who's leaving home." The flow is good throughout, and thats something I personally always look for. The whoel idea is a little cliche, but you've pulled this off without getting boring.


link for mines in sig, if you wanna check it out
#6
"Like a bird who’s leaving the cage" I didn't think this flowed to well or was the best choice, and same with "Like a child who’s leaving the home." Other than those two it flowed nicely, and what music were you planning on using. I'd say 8/10
#8
yeah i see now its a bit odd any suggestions ?? and thnx for the crit all of you . i will definetely crit back ur songs
Hi
#10
I saw in pictures how you’re growing old
Sitting here we were talking about it

These lines dont really flow together especially the second one also doesnt really seem to relate to the rest of the song.


Someone wakes? me with the knock on my door
Just to see how I am doing without you

Theres a lot of me mys and yous which can make it a little confusing other than that not bad.

Like a fish in the crimson tide
Finding reasons for her to? fight

This is a much better line and much more complex which seems better in my eyes it doesnt really fit with the simplicity of the first two though.

In bits n pieces I am fading away
Like a bird who’s leaving the cage
Standing here on your grave
Now I hear what you wanted to say

Fairly good ending again a lot of i you me and my which i also find really hard to get rid of.

Her last words carved on the stone
Filled with things she wanted to say
About her love, about her life
How pain and hurt are one and the same
So go be strong
Don’t let pain remember you
Go move on
Let this life remember you

I think this was quite a good chorus i cant pick at anything huge so i wont. good job

You maybe gone for forever my love
It’s another face of reality
Dressed with thoughts I remember you
Still memories are haunting me
For my fears your tears were shown
Like a child who’s leaving the home
Standing here I am all alone
Now I hear what you wanted to say

This stanza is much better than the first it flows and lets the reader read into it in there own way rather than in the first one where your told whats happening.


Overral not bad and got a lot better at the end keep working on it. Check out one of mine, starlit entities, when you have time thanks.
Last edited by Vague Ideal at Feb 4, 2007,