#1
One of two songs I wrote today, both only took 5minutes so aren't masterpieces, just what I needed to get out onto the page.

'On Your Floor'

I don't feel myself today
I've come around and I've watched you change
I'm sitting down here on your floor
I can't stand up, I can't take no more
Of the tired excuses you say
I wonder which one you'll use today

But the truth is-----
You don't need me
Because you're just that good
If you want to replace me, I know you could

You're causing riots everywhere
You spread your legs without a care
And you're holding hands with other guys
You love their skin and you love their lies
And the way they treat you on the floor
Rolling round while you scream for more

But the truth is-----
You don't need me
Because you're just that good
If you can say sorry, yeah I think you should

I don’t feel myself today
I’ve come around and I’ve watched you change
I’m sitting down here on your floor again
And so ashamed of where I’ve been
Last edited by goo_fan at Feb 4, 2007,
#3
yea i agree with him^
the last lien jsut kinda makes the rest fall apart. and when ur saying "ur that good" i know its liek sarcasm and all,but it sounds liek a compliment, when the rest is like insulting the person. plus the , on your floor, jsut kinda seemed thrown in there for no reason at all, in the first verse.idk, just bugged me a little. pretty good for a 5 minute lyric piece.
#4
Hey thanks for the crits guys. The last line about her saying sorry is just to get across that I think she should feel sorry or at least a bit guilty about what she's done, but she doesn't. I've edited it here and there, and added a final verse just to round off the song, let me know what you think.
#5
Hey. I'm new here, and don't know really what to do, so it's maybe best if I just start writing anywhere. ( I'm from Austria, so if my english is a little strange sometimes, please forgive me)

I think the title "on your floor" is one of these titles that just look good. Do you know, that feeling when you're looking on a CD and one of the titles just looks good? "On your floor" is one of these titles to me.

The first sentence( which is quite important in a song, I think) is beautiful. "I don't feel myself today". It's a little bittersweet that you repeat it at the end of the song.

I really like it. In my opinion, it shows how the character of the song wants to speak out loud the things he thinks about her, but he is still a little vulnerable, what makes the song so bitter.

Beautiful.

Babooshka
#7
Thanks for the crits guys.
I thought about changing:
'You're causing riots everywhere
You spread your legs without a care'

to

'You're causing chaos everywhere
You spread your legs without a care'

...just changing 'riots' for 'chaos'...just thought the alliteration would help it flow better?
#8
Quote by goo_fan
One of two songs I wrote today, both only took 5minutes so aren't masterpieces, just what I needed to get out onto the page.

'On Your Floor'

I don't feel myself today
I've come around and I've watched you change
I'm sitting down here on your floor
I can't stand up, I can't take no more
Of the tired excuses you say
I wonder which one you'll use today

I like this first 4 four lines and the last line but the 5th line seems a bit forced starting with the word of

But the truth is-----
You don't need me
Because you're just that good
If you want to replace me, I know you could

Decent enough chorus (I assume it's a chorus anyway)


You're causing riots everywhere
You spread your legs without a care
And you're holding hands with other guys
You love their skin and you love their lies
And the way they treat you on the floor
Rolling round while you scream for more

This a very nicely written verse but doesn't quite make sencse becuase in the chorus it sounded like you 'had' her, very nice lyrcis anyway

But the truth is-----
You don't need me
Because you're just that good
If you can say sorry, yeah I think you should

I don’t feel myself today
I’ve come around and I’ve watched you change
I’m sitting down here on your floor again
And so ashamed of where I’ve been


Good song which I like more than some others on here, I'd be quite intrested to hear what kind of music this would go with.

C4C? (Sig)