#1
it's a poem of sorts... not my strength... but hoping to improve... anyways let me know.


2:47


I can see your words.
I know that they are your words,
because I recognize the writing.
It contains evidence of a certain dexterity that only you possess.
Regardless, I can tell that they are your thoughts.
They have your personal touch,
a defined connotation.
They are so volatile,
so digressive,
but at the same time leave such a permanent impression.


I can see the date.
Forever entrenched in the confines of my conscience.
Written so habitually,
top right corner of the page.
Two inches from the top,
one inch from the side.
It's almost as if this was just another letter to your lover.
Well, I guess it is,
but this one's not the same.
This date will forever weigh upon my mind.
Making me feel helpless,
worthless,
to the superlative degree.


I can see your tears.
They stain the page,
acting as that extra little reminder.
Though I can promise,
my memory of this day will not need aid.
Your tears in themselves tell the story.
They tell me how you never wanted this for me,
and how you wish things didn't have to be this way.
I know your tears will soon be joined by mine,
maybe the closest we will ever be again.
Unless...


Yes, now I know what I have to do.
The gun still clenched in your taut fingers.
I pray that there is one bullet left.
One would be more than enough.
I'll take hold of the gun,
and lay down by your side.
I'll take hold of your hand,
the one which holds your demise.
I'll take hold of, with my other hand, my own demise.
I'll despise the taste of the harsh metal,
as it passes through my lips.
I'll reconsider...
But in the end...
I'll pull.


But first, I'll write a letter.


I can see my words...
#2
2:47


I can see your words.
I know that they are your words,====not rele liking the repeating
because I recognize the writing.
It contains evidence of a certain dexterity that only you possess.==to long of a line
Regardless, I can tell that they are your thoughts.
They have your personal touch,
a defined connotation.
They are so volatile,
so digressive,
"but at the same time leave such a permanent impression.
=====intersting, try breaking up some of the lines into smaller ones,and it took u like 4 lines to say, you reconize their writing

I can see the date.
Forever entrenched in the confines of my conscience.
Written so habitually,
top right corner of the page.
Two inches from the top,
one inch from the side.
It's almost as if this was just another letter to your lover.
Well, I guess it is,
but this one's not the same.
This date will forever weigh upon my mind.
Making me feel helpless,
worthless,
to the superlative degree.
===this ones interesting to, dont kno why, but i liek it.

I can see your tears.
They stain the page,
acting as that extra little reminder.
Though I can promise,
my memory of this day will not need aid.
Your tears in themselves tell the story.
They tell me how you never wanted this for me,
and how you wish things didn't have to be this way.
I know your tears will soon be joined by mine,
maybe the closest we will ever be again.
Unless...
"mabe the loset we will ever be again" doesnt make sense

Yes, now I know what I have to do.
The gun still clenched in your taut fingers.
I pray that there is one bullet left.
One would be more than enough.
I'll take hold of the gun,
and lay down by your side.
I'll take hold of your hand,
the one which holds your demise.==try making it past tense,"held your demise"
I'll take hold of, with my other hand, my own demise.
I'll despise the taste of the harsh metal,
as it passes through my lips.
I'll reconsider...====youll reconsider wat, ur dead??
But in the end...
I'll pull.=====dont like this line.


But first, I'll write a letter.


I can see my words...
__________________

this one was a bit odd, took me awhile to figure wat it was about, until the ending pulled it all together. i had to read it over again, now knowing the ending to understand it. which i like for some reason. this is good poem wise, not song lyrics wise. try breaking up some of those lines, because with one breath some of them may be hard to say.
#3
Oh, you got me good. You had me thinking this was about a breakup through the first three stanzas, and then in the fourth it all came together and made perfect sense. I had thought the speaker was reading a letter explaining why they had broken up, but as it turns out...that wasn't quite the case.

The final stanza gives the entire piece sort of a Romeo and Juliet vibe, the common thread of course being the concept of ending one's own life to be with a now-deceased lover. At least that's how I read it, anyway. But you certainly can't go wrong with looking to the classics for inspiration, right?

Overall this is a pretty solid piece, and I can't find any nagging problems or weak lines in it. Certainly not bad for someone who claims that poetry isn't a strength.
#5
I think its brilliant... I love it, and the fact that im in love and couldnt bear to lose my partner probably helps me feel empathy with the emotion of the peice...

BUT... as clever as the cyclical ending it... I cant help but find anything involving suicide and stuff like that very very cliché

part of me wanted this to simply remain as a peice about a break up... because you didnt need to increase the excitement of the narrative to bolster the poem, the poem was already moving enough...

good work though
Originally posted by guitarkid27
RobbieMac2002 gives good advice.