#1
Not sure about this. I can deifnitely expand it, I think. I'm not sure whichc direction to take it in though. I've revised but it's mainly consisted of taking out extra stanzas I had, because they didn't fit the tone. I'm not sure, I could do with some help. I'm just experimenting, I want to try as many styles as I can.

All feedback would be appreciated

Enjoy


Like a clock
shifting time, sifting sand,
we fall into the past,
burying ourselves
amongst the aeons.

Without a tock
time is a mute.
It goes on by,
unrealised.

And like graphite
we rub away,
pressed onto
a blanker canvas.
#2
Like a clock
shifting time, sifting sand,
we fall into the past,
burying ourselves
amongst the aeons.
====here, i was left expecting another line, like ' we just cant last' or 'we wont last'
mabe in a back up singer's voice.
Without a tock
time is a mute.
It goes on by,
unrealised.
=====this is ok, but i dont really like the last line. mabe use a differnt word
And like graphite
we rub away,
pressed onto
a blanker canvas.===i dont think you should use the word 'blanker' jsut 'blank' or 'more blank'
i dont think blanker is even a word.

not bad, little short, try expanding it like u said.
#3
Jamie, you definitely need to expand this piece. It seems too incomplete. The piece was good and all, but it was just way too short. Personally, I wasn't a big fan of the second stanza, but I thought the 3rd stanza was excellent. Perhaps, you should add the stanzas that you scrapped. Just a suggestion. Anyways, this was not my favorite piece of yours, but it was still good nonetheless

Crit mine please?
Heaven Hibernates in Hell
#4
Pretty decent song, I like it. Like you said and everyone else said, it does need more to it. I think you described all the essences of time perfectly.

Without a tock
time is a mute.
It goes on by,
unrealised.


I really liked this verse, it's your best part of the song. So do we just live on ticks then if they're are no tocks? lol, j/k. Most people aren't able to describe time where it sounds interesting, but I think you pull it off. Defnately need to add more to it though. It's starting off really well. I'd probably save that last verse for the end of the song because that's a verse that's great for closure. So when you add more to it, it'd be good to push that one back to the end in my opinion.

All in all, a good start. Keep on writing, I like your style. Rhymes aren't too forced and it'd be interesting to hear music with this.

If you have time could you crit mine "Face the Demons".
#6
hey jamie, been awhile. but along with a new username im back with the S&L forum lol.

anyway.

This is far from the best ive seen from you, and ive seen lots of your stuff in the past few months. The flow isn't really bad, but it seems...incomplete, almost like you're not finishing your thoughts. idk, maybe its just me. I'd like to make a comment about the "blanker", but i really have no idea what your talking about there.
#7
"blanker" is the perfect word, as Ret said (who I believe understands where I was going with it) it is the right image I want. Maybe I'll explain later, I don't know.

and yes, it's incomplete, I'm just not sure how to expand it.

I'll comment back on everyones in time.

Thanks.
#8
not bad..i like the wording..it fits nicely..like a poem kinda..it may not be complete lol byt for a start its pretty nice!
#9
So, yeah, I clicked on your sig after you gave me your crit, and I liked the title. so here it goes.

Quote by Jammydude44


Like a clock
shifting time, sifting sand,
we fall into the past,
burying ourselves
amongst the aeons.

well, it's kinda hard to stream-sing with it, 'falling' is to0 Cliché for me, other than that it's perfect.

Without a tock
time is a mute.
It goes on by,
unrealised.

oooooh...I loved the way you humenized 'Time'!, cool.

And like graphite
we rub away,
pressed onto
a blanker canvas.

this is beautiful.

it's a great piece, I just couldn't get the theme, if this is a 'poem' I think you need to be more clear, if it's a 'song', well, than the music changes all.


...And The Nominees Are
#10
Like a clock
shifting time, sifting sand,
we fall into the past,
burying ourselves
amongst the aeons.

Theres nothing i can really pick really wrong with this. The wording is really nice i like the second line a lot and also the last two lines those three lines together also go really well.


Without a tock
time is a mute.
It goes on by,
unrealised.

I think you could use a more effective word here than unrealised maybe unclarified of the top of my head or something i dont know it seems to sound nicer in my head other than it is really nice again.

And like graphite
we rub away,
pressed onto
a blanker canvas.

Again really nice i like the blanker bit at the end, and think its quite clever too.

I like this a lot and would like to see when it is finished because as an unfinished piece it is very good and would be excellent if you could continue in this way.

Id like to see what you think of the stuff in my sig especially the Starlit Entities cheers
#11
I feel that overall it's just missing something, like you get your ideas out but you don't do anything with them, it could definitely be jazzed up a bit more. In my opinion the first two parts are just kind of bland, although I absolutely love the last stanza. If you just keep that ending and expand upon your ideas in the beginning this would be great.

If you could leave a comment on mine it'd be much appreciated.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=517628
#12
Quote by Jammydude44

Like a clock
shifting time, sifting sand, I don't know how you would feel about this, but to make this more interesting and catch a few people out, try swapping "shifting" and "sifting" around. Entirely up to you, but swapping those would be something a bit different.
we fall into the past,
burying ourselves
amongst the aeons.

Without a tock
time is a mute.
It goes on by,
unrealised.

Not completely sure on this stanza. This could also go for the final stanza, in that it seems to be unnecessarily short. Honestly, I just think it needs lengthening, although I'm not keen on stanzas of this sort of length, so it may just be me.

And like graphite
we rub away,
pressed onto
a blanker canvas.

Good ending, not solid, but an ending nonetheless.


Fin.
#13
Thanks all.

Please, please, I need som eideas on how to expand this, where to go from this or what to add... I'm stuck on this one at the moment.

#14
add anything.

though I liked your last piece better I applaud you for experimenting. I like the ideas but it feels unfinished. like waiting on a conclusion. you need a punchline.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#15
i was reading some post and you replied to it , you wanted to expand ur piece so i thought to have a look at it . i am not as good as you but i have an idea see if it can help you

you can write something about how time can only be turned back in clock but the reality of life cant be changed.whatever that ur stuck onto right now ur stuck with it and you have only 2 choices
1) either go along with it
2) try to change it
because clock is ticking and we all are born to do something in this life
Hi
Last edited by abhishek21 at Feb 6, 2007,