#1
Haha I wrote this in class when we were going over oceans. I thought about goldfish Not the best Ive written (nor the worst), but I thought It had a good message behind it, so I decided to send it in.

A guide to freedom for goldfish.

Blue oceans on the rise,
I sway with the motion,
The constant beats of the tides.
I now become the ocean...

I cast my web of nets,
Seeing what I can reel in.
I bring it in with no regrets,
And with my score I begin to grin.

Little fishey, cant you see?
Im the man to keep you today,
I hope you wont disagree.
We'll be fine, everythings okay.

The water shimmers as I exhale.
I put you in your fishbowl.
I chug my drink and lie down,
And I begin to drift into the zone.

I awake, but now im on the other side
Im the one whos in a fishbowl.
Noone can see the tears I cry.
My heart is bleeding out this hole.

But its too small for you to see.
You see my eyes and walk right by,
You pay no attention to me,
I send my complaints with no reply.

Little man, cant you see?
Blindness isnt selective.
for you to know what youre doing to me,
You must See my perspective.

The world is nothing but a fishbowl,
With all fisheys tryin to get out.
the Lord help us, he leaves us a hole.
We just have to stay the right route.

A little faith and we'll make it.
All we need is to perservere,
Your chance is there, just awake it.
And you will make it out of here.

Dump my dead body in the ocean.
But you gasp as you see me swim,
Looks like I fooled you....
again......
Last edited by Greenguy32123 at Feb 5, 2007,
#3
i laughed, its just no nice and silly, good stuff man, id try take the seriuosness out of it though, you seem here and there as if your overcomplicating things, keep it simple, the stuff like everythign is going to be kay, encouraging the fish and all that, it made it endearing, and the ending was brilliant, work on it, its so nice
UG Irish Clan-Póg mo thóin
#15 Ramones Worshipper RAMONES PM hardrock1315 to join.
#4
i actually loved some of the first few lines, and it would be really kickass if you could make the goldfish be a metaphor for something
#5
I thought it was quite clever to be honest. It had it's funny parts and the serious parts. I don't really think you should have to say the song is one or the other.

Little man, cant you see?
Blindness isnt selective.
for you to know what youre doing to me,
You must See my perspective
.

This was by far my favorite verse. Very well written. I would complain about the motion and ocean rhyme, but you did pull it off to where it didn't sound too cliche' surprisingly.


I awake, but now im on the other side
Im the one whos in a fishbowl.
Noone can see the tears I cry.
My heart is bleeding out this hole


This was probably the poorest verse (if I had to be critical, still not bad though). To me it didn't seem to flow as well as the others, but I understand you had to make the transition somewhere and that it's tough to do. Other than that a decent piece here.

If ya have time would you like to crit mine, "Face the Demons"
#7
I thought this was pretty good i liked the mix of seriousness and less seriouness. there were a couple of places where you sort of went off a bit because you were trying to follow a rhyme scheme which did make it flow and didnt make it too bad so i wont complain.
I really liked the verse:

Little man, cant you see?
Blindness isnt selective.
for you to know what youre doing to me,
You must See my perspective

i thought it was really good had excellent meaning and a really good flow. a really good stanza.

however this is an example of your rhyming:

I cast my web of nets,
Seeing what I can reel in.
I bring it in with no regrets,
And with my score I begin to grin.

its easy to fix in this case just be removing two words and you still have the rhyme with the same flow but just watch out for that trap when using such a strong rhyme scheme.

I really liked this piece it was a really nice idea. Please check out my thousand lives if you have time cheers
#8
i liked it. It kinda reminded my of finding Nemo. And i agree wiith the posters above to either may make the song have a metaphor for something bigger or just make it completely silly.