#1
This is a song i wrote a few days ago about children who are forced to be on medication in order to improve their "mood", and then become addicted to other drugs later on in life. Any crits would be appreciated! Also im thinking of changing the title to Ritalin but im not sure so any thoughts on that would be great.


Verse

A pill for your thoughts
A penny for the doc
Ill put you to sleep, so I can go to bed.

Temper tantrums done
Now I can have some fun
While your on a trip, with all your favorite friends

Chorus

I object
To your injections
I neglect
Your directions
Your vaccine
Gave me an infection
And now i see
That ive lost all restraint
Ive lost all restraint
Yeah, Ive got no restraint


Verse

Your to hard to teach
So I wont even speak
Ill give you my love, inside a purple pill.

I dont have the fight
To teach you wrong from right.
Ill let you decide, when you cant even think.

Chorus Again

Bridge

Yeah, Yeah , Yeah Shoot Me
Yeah, Yeah , Yeah Shoot Me
Yeah, Yeah , Yeah Just Shoot Me

Guitar Solo
Chorus then end

So thats it... thanks ahead of time for any crits.
Last edited by Bar Caddy at Feb 3, 2007,
#2
Verse

A pill for your thoughts
A penny for the doc
Ill put you to sleep, so I can go to bed.
====pretty good
Temper tantrums done
Now I can have some fun
While your on a trip, with all your favorite friends
====decent
Chorus

I object
To your injections
I neglect
Your directions
Your vaccine
Gave me and infection===is it suposed to be 'and' or 'an'
And now i see
That ive lost all restraint
Ive lost all restraint
Yeah, Ive got no restraint===this line would do good yelling. not screamin,yelling


Verse

Your to hard to teach
So I wont even speak
Ill give you my love, inside a purple pill.====i dont like the end to this.try another word.ex,medication

I dont have the fight====took a bit to understand this line
To teach you wrong from right.
Ill let you decide, when you cant even think.

Chorus Again

Bridge

Yeah, Yeah , Yeah Shoot Me
Yeah, Yeah , Yeah Shoot Me
Yeah, Yeah , Yeah Just Shoot Me
================idk about the bridge, sounds to much like nirvana to me
Guitar Solo
Chorus then end


not bad, but nothing really pulled me in. guess i would have to hear a recording of it to hear the hook of it.crit mine if u could
#4
Verse

A pill for your thoughts
A penny for the doc this implies that the doc is inexpensive, or that the meds are inexpensive and i don't think that is what you are going for
Ill put you to sleep, so I can go to bed.

Temper tantrums done
Now I can have some fun weak rhyme.
While your on a trip, with all your favorite friendsI like this one though

Chorus

I object
To your injections
I neglect
Your directions
Your vaccine
Gave me an infection
And now i see
That ive lost all restraint
Ive lost all restraint
Yeah, Ive got no restraint


Verse

Your to hard to teach
So I wont even speak
Ill give you my love, inside a purple pill.

I dont have the fight
To teach you wrong from right.
Ill let you decide, when you cant even think.

Chorus Again

Bridge

Yeah, Yeah , Yeah Shoot Me
Yeah, Yeah , Yeah Shoot Me
Yeah, Yeah , Yeah Just Shoot Me

I hate this bridge, Ithink it is childish.

Guitar Solo
Chorus then end
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#5
Do you have any experience with this personally? If you do I would reccomend adding more specifics, I see where you are coming from, though. In the chorus, rather than no restraint maybe you could make a joke of the thing and say I've got too much restraint or something to that effect?

Crit mine if you like.