#1
ok pples, this song doesnt really follow a rhyme scheme like my other 2 songs, so tell me wat ya think. crit for crit.oh, and text in red means they are sung at the same time.
this song has alot of back up singing.

why is this happening?
( this shouldent be happening)
all my feelings are regained
(i can sense early pain)
i live once more,but why?

no one can stop a torture so unreal.....

chorus
poison to the mind,
is all you can serve me
decreasing all hope
of mental stability
give me back all control

chains still constrict me
( you still constict me )
seems endless as they bind.
hourly minutes escape more clocks
(as thought time is a screeching halt)
the chains increase as does the blood
but i know the torture has only begun

memories come as darts
(they struck down my heart)
my mind was left unmarked
(but now they come surging to)
paralyse, defeat the mind
consuming me with you

cant break these chains
they forever bind me in place....

poison to the mind,
is all you can serve me
decreasing all hope
of mental stability
give me back all control

sight had lost all color
(thoughts meant nothing to me)
blood was just another shade of grey
(but it shines again)
as it stains a helpless mind
and i dont even know why....

poison to the mind,
is all you can serve me
decreasing all hope
of mental stability
give me back all control

rip away feeling
(oh please help me)
it's certaintly godsplay
i dont know why i ask
mere mortals when you can't say
yet you seem to hold higher
knowledge of this twisted game

(solo)

Bridge
feeling was so distant
(it comes as a stranger)
was acustomed to pain in its absense
as fuel fires cold flames
feeling burns inside of me

poison to the mind,
is all you can serve me
decreasing all hope
of mental stability
give me back all control

noone can stop
a torture so unreal.....

cant break these chains
that bind me in place......
Last edited by ragglefraggle at Feb 7, 2007,
#2
I thought that this was apretty good piece overall. This piece seemed very emotional, which is a good thing. Writing should convey emotion, and this piece certainly accomplishes that. Anyways, I really think you should fix the first stanza. I know what you're trying to say, but it seems kind of boring the way you presented it there. Personally I hate the word pain in a song. "Pain" is too much of a subjective term. Well, that's all the bitching I'm going to do. And by the way, my favorite line was :Blood was jus another shade of grey." Just beautiful. Overall an excellent job on your part.

Crit mine please?
Heaven Hibernates in Hell
#4
thanks for the crit,
cut your arm,you feel the pain
( cut my arm, i feel the pain )
it didnt used to be this way
blood was just another shade of grey
(but it shines again)
as it stains a helpless mind
and i dont even know why....

The line "it didn't used to be this way" doesn't really flow. this song isn't really my style but I liked it anyways. I'm not into the whole cut my arm and stuff. 8/10
www.myspace.com/slackerfridaysolong
Fender Toronado
Marshall Valvestate 8100
Fender PT-100 Pedal Tuner
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
Boss DS-1
Electro-Harmonix Big Muff Pi
Electro-Harmonix Small Clone Chorus
Electro-Harmonix Holy Grail Reverb
#5
Ahhh I hate this genre of music but for some reason, I liked this peice quite much. (might be because I just watched Saw II lol )

Quote by ragglefraggle


why is this happening?
( this shouldent be happening) IMO the whole backup singer is a great Idea, I'd need to hear the song as to how you were talking about doing it. Good idea though.
all my feelings are regained
(i can sense early pain)
i live once more,but why?
Ahh i loved this part, it reminded me alot of Saw II.

none can stop a torturing so unreal.....

chorus
poison to the mind,
is all you can serve me
decreasing all hope
of mental stability
give me back all control
Good chorus, very.... dark.

chains still constrict me
( you still constict me ) Ahhh I liked the transfer from chains to 'you'. Nice
seems endless as they bind.
hourly minutes escape more clocks
(as thought time is a screeching halt)
the chains increase as does blood
but i know the torturing has only begun
Ahh I cant get the Saw II thing outta my mind. This is good also.

memorys come as darts
(they struck down my heart) well written.
my mind was left unmarked
(but now they come surging to)
paralize, defeat the mind
consuming me with you
Lost the Saw thing, but that was still good.

cant break these chains
they forever bind me in place....

poison to the mind,
is all you can serve me
decreasing all hope
of mental stability
give me back all control

cut your arm,you feel the pain
( cut my arm, i feel the pain ) Now I didnt like this, but thats my opinion.
it didnt used to be this way
blood was just another shade of grey
(but it shines again) haha once again the backup parts are good.
as it stains a helpless mind
and i dont even know why....

poison to the mind,
is all you can serve me
decreasing all hope
of mental stability
give me back all control

rip away feeling
(oh please help me)
is sertaintly godsplay
i dont know why i ask
mere mortals when you cant say
yet you seem to hold higher
knowledge of this twisted game
The Saw thing is back, 'twisted game' is what got me here.

(solo)

Bridge
feeling was so distant
(it comes as a stranger)
was acustomed to pain in its absense
as fuel fires cold flames
feeling burns inside of me
Nice bridge. No major problems.

poison to the mind,
is all you can serve me
decreasing all hope
of mental stability
give me back all control

none can stop
a torturing so unreal.....

cant break these chains
that bind me in place......Nice ending, ties in with the rest of the song.


Sorry for associating this song with a movie, but It really portrayed alot of what I got from that movie. I really liked it, very dark sounding. 4/5 for a song. ((And dont bash Judge Judy lol))
#7
I quite like this song, the brackets make a nice addition (Would they be sung by backgrond singers or the lead singer)

My favourtie part was this

poison to the mind,
is all you can serve me
decreasing all hope
of mental stability
give me back all control

Very nicely put, overall a well-written song
#8
um, they would be sung by the back up singers, anything in brackets are sung by back up singers. the parts that are red are sung at the exact same time. the red non bracketed lines ung by lead singer, red bracketed lines sung by back up.thx for the crit, ill get to urs wen i have the time.
#9
i really enjoyed reading through this song. it seems a good idea to have some lines sung by two people. i found it very emotional in a good way, thought the lyrics were a bit like One by Metallica, with a lot of gore. i really like the ending too.

- Faisal
Quote by jxljxl
Fais wins at life


The obscenely young leader of the Laney Cult


Member of the EHX Guild
#10
now that i think of it, it sounds a little similar with the reawken thing. but the whole song doesnt sound like one by metallica.anybody heard of chapter four by avenged sevenfold? they have back up singing and lead singing at the same time. thats kinda how it would sound
#11
why is this happening?
( this shouldent be happening)
all my feelings are regained
(i can sense early pain)
i live once more,but why?

none can stop a torturing so unreal.....

chorus
poison to the mind,
is all you can serve me
decreasing all hope
of mental stability
give me back all control

chains still constrict me
( you still constict me )
seems endless as they bind.
hourly minutes escape more clocks
(as thought time is a screeching halt)
the chains increase as does blood
but i know the torturing has only begun

memorys come as darts
(they struck down my heart)
my mind was left unmarked dont really like unmarked here... a different word perhaps
(but now they come surging to)
paralize, defeat the mind
consuming me with you nice line here

cant break these chains
they forever bind me in place....

poison to the mind,
is all you can serve me
decreasing all hope
of mental stability
give me back all control

cut your arm,you feel the pain
( cut my arm, i feel the pain )
it didnt used to be this way
blood was just another shade of grey
(but it shines again)
as it stains a helpless mind
and i dont even know why....

poison to the mind,
is all you can serve me
decreasing all hope
of mental stability
give me back all control

rip away feeling
(oh please help me)
is sertaintly godsplay
i dont know why i ask
mere mortals when you cant say
yet you seem to hold higher
knowledge of this twisted game

(solo)

Bridge
feeling was so distant
(it comes as a stranger)
was acustomed to pain in its absense
as fuel fires cold flames
feeling burns inside of me

poison to the mind,
is all you can serve me
decreasing all hope
of mental stability
give me back all control

none can stop
a torturing so unreal.....

cant break these chains
that bind me in place......

This song is awesome... you have some really powerful lines in here that just hit home.. nice work.. keep it up! thanks for the crit
#12
why is this happening?
( this shouldent be happening)
all my feelings are regained
(i can sense early pain)
i live once more,but why?
Good Idea with the backup singers

none can stop a torturing so unreal.....

chorus
poison to the mind,
is all you can serve me
decreasing all hope
of mental stability
give me back all control
I really like this chorus great job

chains still constrict me
( you still constict me )
seems endless as they bind.
hourly minutes escape more clocks
(as thought time is a screeching halt)
the chains increase as does blood
but i know the torturing has only begun
More kool backup

memorys come as darts
(they struck down my heart)
my mind was left unmarked
(but now they come surging to)
paralize, defeat the mind
consuming me with you
I like the struck down my heart line

cant break these chains
they forever bind me in place....

poison to the mind,
is all you can serve me
decreasing all hope
of mental stability
give me back all control

cut your arm,you feel the pain
( cut my arm, i feel the pain )
it didnt used to be this way
blood was just another shade of grey
(but it shines again)
as it stains a helpless mind
and i dont even know why....
I am a fan of dark songs but idk I think thsi goes just a little to dark for this song

poison to the mind,
is all you can serve me
decreasing all hope
of mental stability
give me back all control

rip away feeling
(oh please help me)
is sertaintly godsplay
i dont know why i ask
mere mortals when you cant say
yet you seem to hold higher
knowledge of this twisted game

(solo)

Bridge
feeling was so distant
(it comes as a stranger)
was acustomed to pain in its absense
as fuel fires cold flames
feeling burns inside of me

poison to the mind,
is all you can serve me
decreasing all hope
of mental stability
give me back all control

none can stop
a torturing so unreal.....

cant break these chains
that bind me in place......
I really like the ending. songs that trail off instead of jsut ending are kool lol

Kool song overall the only think I maight change is the cut my arm line. it just kinda goes a step darker than the rest of the song.
#13
why is this happening?
( this shouldent be happening)
all my feelings are regained
(i can sense early pain)
i live once more,but why?
Good flow but why are you using backup singers?

none can stop a torturing so unreal.....
Noone*

chorus
poison to the mind,
is all you can serve me
decreasing all hope
of mental stability
give me back all control
You should use more commas and periods, and it didn't rhyme..

chains still constrict me
( you still constict me )
seems endless as they bind.
hourly minutes escape more clocks
(as thought time is a screeching halt)
the chains increase as does blood
but i know the torturing has only begun
Why dont you use correct capitalization?

memorys come as darts
(they struck down my heart)
my mind was left unmarked
(but now they come surging to)
paralize, defeat the mind
consuming me with you
I dont get this...

cant break these chains
they forever bind me in place....

poison to the mind,
is all you can serve me
decreasing all hope
of mental stability
give me back all control

vision had lost all color
(thoughts meant nothing to me)
blood was just another shade of grey
(but it shines again)
as it stains a helpless mind
and i dont even know why....
It would probly sound better with, "sight had lost all color"

poison to the mind,
is all you can serve me
decreasing all hope
of mental stability
give me back all control

rip away feeling
(oh please help me)
is sertaintly godsplay
i dont know why i ask
mere mortals when you cant say
yet you seem to hold higher
knowledge of this twisted game
Certaintly* god's play*

(solo)

Bridge
feeling was so distant
(it comes as a stranger)
was acustomed to pain in its absense
as fuel fires cold flames
feeling burns inside of me

poison to the mind,
is all you can serve me
decreasing all hope
of mental stability
give me back all control

none can stop
a torturing so unreal.....

cant break these chains
that bind me in place......

Only your first stanza rhymed.... but other then that, it was pretty good, but it would be better without the back up singers.
#14
I liked it to an extent. I feel like some lines were brilliant well other lines werent at the same level.
this line here sounds funny:
none can stop a torturing so unreal.....

Try saying
no one can stop a torturing so unreal--- instead

and i loved your chorus except for the last line. sounds out of place, like it doesnt flow very well. i really loved this part of the chorus though or more like it all but the last line
poison to the mind,
is all you can serve me
decreasing all hope
of mental stability


anyway decent song. sounds a bit emoish (music style) with a bit of rock added.
#15
I quite liked this. Structurally, it's quite simply, but there are several ambient images that I really like, and I think make it a great piece! Here are my suggestions though -

Quote by ragglefraggle
ok pples, this song doesnt really follow a rhyme scheme like my other 2 songs, so tell me wat ya think. crit for crit.oh, and text in red means they are sung at the same time.
this song has alot of back up singing.

why is this happening?
( this shouldent be happening)
all my feelings are regained
(i can sense early pain)
i live once more,but why?

noone can stop a torturing so unreal..... Two comments here - "no one" is two words not one! and I think "torturing" should be "torture", it makes slightly more sense. I like this very much though!

chorus
poison to the mind,
is all you can serve me
decreasing all hope
of mental stability
give me back all control

Simple, but anthemic and I like it

chains still constrict me
( you still constict me )
seems endless as they bind.
hourly minutes escape more clocks
(as thought time is a screeching halt)
the chains increase as does blood perhaps "the blood" instead of just "blood"? Only a very slight idea, but I think it'd help...
but i know the torturing has only begun Again, I think "torture" instead of "torturing"...

memorys come as darts One note - it's spelt "memories" not "memorys"!
(they struck down my heart)
my mind was left unmarked
(but now they come surging to)"Too", not "to".
paralize, defeat the mind "paralyse" not "paralize"
consuming me with you

cant break these chains
they forever bind me in place.... Again, simplistic, but it adds to the effect and I like it very much..

poison to the mind,
is all you can serve me
decreasing all hope
of mental stability
give me back all control

sight had lost all color
(thoughts meant nothing to me)
blood was just another shade of grey Good!
(but it shines again)
as it stains a helpless mind
and i dont even know why....

poison to the mind,
is all you can serve me
decreasing all hope
of mental stability
give me back all control

rip away feeling
(oh please help me)
is certaintly godsplay "it's" rather than "is"?
i dont know why i ask
mere mortals when you cant say "Can't", not "cant"
yet you seem to hold higher
knowledge of this twisted game

(solo)

Bridge
feeling was so distant
(it comes as a stranger)
was acustomed to pain in its absense
as fuel fires cold flames
feeling burns inside of me

poison to the mind,
is all you can serve me
decreasing all hope
of mental stability
give me back all control

noone can stop
a torturing so unreal..... Again, "torture" not "torturing"

cant break these chains
that bind me in place......



I thought this was a great piece. All the suggestions I made were grammatical rather than to do with content - i.e. I like this piece very much, just needed a couple of linguistic corrections - it's a very good piece though. People might overlook it because it's simplistic, but I think it gives it a sparse, slightly vague quality which I think actually makes it better, gives it a slightly mysterious edge. Good work!
#16
thx for the crit, ill get to urs when i can. sorry about all the spelling mistakes, grammer isnt really my best subject. but i didnt think it was to simple....lol and for a few things u pointed out like...
(but now they come surging to)
paralyse, defeat the mind

the 'to' isnt suposted to be 'too' because jsut look at it as thought there were no brackets around it, its saying the darts are 'surging to paralyse,defeat the mind'
i just broke it up so the back round singers could sing some of it.

but thx, i did fix alot of the things u pointed out, thx for ur help