#1
*edited

transparent lies
die way too fast
melted like plastic
shattered like glass

I felt you
Touch me
I heard you
Calling
You watched me
Falling
Don't say You're sorry
Sorry

You're not sorry

You
You and your lies
I
Won't let this slide
There's
No other way
I
Won't let you stay

Would've let go, would've let go
I didn't know
Should've let go, should've let go
You never showed
Want to let go, want to let go
This is insane
Got to let go of you
Because you're not the same

I felt you
Hurt me
I heard you
Lying
You watched me
Dying
Don't say you're
Sorry

window of lies
melting it dies
shatter your lies
transparent lies
Last edited by BillyGates at Feb 4, 2007,
#2
This is waaaaaay to cliche. (i didnt wanna say it about your other peice) The whole song is just one big cliche. Its too much like all the other songs about lies that have been written (which is a BOATLOAD). Im not bashing your feelings, but maybe try and go out of the box. Maybe use a metaphor to express what youre saying. Try to be more creative.
#3
yeah I'll agree with you, it's pretty cliche, but with the music this is what works, and I guess you'll just have to trust me on that. The problem is, if I want to change it, I've got to stick with the same amount of syllables on each line that I've got right now, just because of the obscure rythms that we have. I'll try to post some changes if I come up with anything. thanks for the comment.
#5
I saw through you
Through the real you
I'm not like you
Not the real you


AAAA rhyming pattern here although it helps you to maintain flow but it seems a bit weird

I felt you
Touch me
I heard you
Calling
You watched me
Falling
Don't say
You're sorry


nice but cliche like everyone told it

You
You and your lies
I
Won't let this slide
There's
No other way
I
Won't let you stay

its ok but nothing special about it atleast i dont see

Would've let go, would've let go
I didn't know
Should've let go, should've let go
You never showed
Want to let go, want to let go
This is insane
Got to let go of you
Because you're not the same

repetion are way too much over here

I felt you
Hurt me
I heard you
Lying
You watched me
Dying
Don't say you're
Sorry

saw through your lies
all of your lies
saw through your lies
transparent lies

repetition again here





u know if u want to write a cliche u should write it in such a way that its superior to all other pieces that have been writtern on that specific subject . ur piece should be superior to all of them . i crited ur other song also and i liked that one much better
i am srry if i came too harsh on you , but all the criticism was constructive . you got potential may be read tips thread it will help you alot . i am just an amature writer like many of the guys here and if i said anything way too much i am srry for that
Hi
#6
dude no it's all good. I'm not taking it badly. I know it looks cliche on paper, but really it's different with the music. we've got wierd rythms and time sigs in this song, and this is what fits with it right now.
#7
well then best of luck with the recording suggestion maybe u can upload it smwhere so i can hear it
Hi