#1
Verse
All kinds of things i see, i keep one eye drifting
And the other in reality
Is it real, is it dead, everything seems fine
But inside, theres nothing left to see,
just pictures an things from another reality
I wonder all the time, while the birds sing
Where can i start, a follow of red an blue,
A sparkle of light appears inside..i kno its you

chourse
I see the light forming in two
i feel the life that breathes in you
am i alive, or am i dead
Just spin the clock, an spin my head
everything will be all right
i see the light forming in two
I feel the life that breathes in you
am i all right, or am i dead
just spin the knife, an aim for my head
hey you
hey you
hey you


verse2
i'm here, an i'm in the mild
open the doors to leave me blind awhile
i care nothing about the past
real in forward ,the gate to hell
i'm ok an im also not well, but
what ya doing , in the dreams
All the works, just like a ride
into the night , it seemed i lost my eyes
but wats it matter i'm all right


course two
I see the light forming in two
I feel the life that breathes in you
Whats up now can't i see
Everybodys gonna be all right
Just run the way you thought you knew
an take a picture of a broken view
I see the light forming in two
i feel the life that breathes in you
is it night or is it day,
just spin the clock an ill be ok
just a walk to the edge of the sea
is it ok to be like meee
hey you
hey you
hey you
Last edited by lester2215 at Feb 19, 2007,
#2
Hey, thanks for the crit earlier. My main concern here is the grammar and spelling. I know it's online and everything, but when someone giving an honest critical response, it's tough to get past mispellings and to actually give an honest opinion of a song. It deters the initial thought of the song, almost a biased opinion from the start. Other than that word of advice, here's me looking past it and giving a real crit.

Verse
All kinds of things i see, i keep one eye drifting
And the other in reality
Is it real, is it dead, everything seems fine
but inside, theres nothing left to see,
just pictures an things from my mind
I wonder all the time, while the birds sing
When can i start, a follow of red an blue,
A sparkle of light appears inside..i kno its you


I think you started off good. I can't say I understand the "a follow red and blue". Just sounds strange personally, but can't say it's the strangest lyrics I've ever heard. So if it's the point you want, then take it.

chourse
I see the light forming in two
i feel the life that breathes in you
am i alive, or am i dead
Just spin the clock, an spin my mind
everything will be all right
i see the light forming in two
I feel the life that breathes in you
am i all right, or am i dead
just spin the knife, an aim for my head
hey you
hey you
hey youuuu


It's decent but could use some rewording possibly. The am i alive or am i dead, just spin the clock and spin my mind just kind of sounds out of place. I'm only saying that cuz you broke the rhyme scheme that you had set up. Although I do love that part done with this just spin the knife, an aim for my head. I can't think of the hey you ending without thinking pink floyd, lol.

verse2
im here, an i feel the mild
open doors to leave me blind
i care nothing about the past
real in forward ,the gate to hell
im ok an im also not well, but
what ya doing , in the dreams
All the works, just like a ride
into the night , i kill my eyes
but wats it matter im all right


This just seemed kind of broken in a sense. You didn't stick to the same writing scheme you did the first time, which threw me off. I just personally didn't like much of this, just because it seems kind of random, but that's just me. My favorite part in this was "real in forward ,the gate to hell
im ok an im also not well" I'm a sucker for good rhymes.

It's a decent piece that has good strengths, but needs restructured in some parts mainly. All in all good content, but hard to understand with the way you put it, know what I mean? Well, keep writing and hope to see more songs.
#3
verse
All kinds of things i see, i keep one eye drifting
And the other in reality
Is it real, is it dead, everything seems fine
but inside, theres nothing left to see,
just pictures an things from my mind
I wonder all the time, while the birds sing
When can i start, a follow of red an blue,
A sparkle of light appears inside..i kno its you
=== try adding a word or 2 to the second line to make it longer. and tryn ot to use the word 'thing' to descreibe somthing.clarify the red and blue thing
chourse======u mean 'chorus'?
I see the light forming in two
i feel the life that breathes in you
am i alive, or am i dead
Just spin the clock, an spin my mind===is 'an' suposed to be 'and'?
everything will be all right
i see the light forming in two
I feel the life that breathes in you
am i all right, or am i dead
just spin the knife, an aim for my head===is 'an' suposed to be 'and'?
hey you
hey you
hey youuuu=====i dont like this added on thing


verse2
im here, an i feel the mild===an or 'and'??
open doors to leave me blind
i care nothing about the past
real in forward ,the gate to hell
im ok an im also not well, but==try adding commas to make easier to read
what ya doing , in the dreams===change ya to you
All the works, just like a ride===try adding 'out' after 'works'
into the night , i kill my eyes
but wats it matter im all right==add commas


course two===chorus, its chorus!!
I see the light forming in two
i feel the life that breathes in you
whats up now cant i see
everybodys gonna be all right
just run the way you thought you knew
an take a picture of a broken view
i see the light forming in two
i feel the life that breathes in you
is it night or is it day,
just spin the clock an ill be ok
just a walk to the edge of the sea
is it ok to be like meee
hey you
hey you
hey youuuu
========its kinda of a long chorus, try breaking it up, adding some parts into another verse.


overall, yea u did have grammer problems, and it got annoying abit, but i make alot of grammer mistakes myself.some things arent easy to understand, so clearify those parts. just small mistakes and problems.not much
crit my new one if u could
#4
haha thanks guys!! ya i was going for a rob zombie type thing, lol, but ya thanks for the crits !! ill b sure to check out ur new stuff when i get a chance