#1
Abt the girl I always loved but who never loved me.....gimme feedback..this is one of the first songs I've ever written....

Verse 1

Lost in this puzzle called reality , lost in a neverending vortex
A sphere of sides , multiple duality , but lost in the context
When love means hate and hate means fatality , angers just a reflex
The pain you feel , just congeality , and hells just your suffix

Chorus :

Sadistic,medicated,happiness
You feel suffocated and now you're just
Concealed , degraded , in confusion
Achieving sweet absolution

Verse 2

And now the love has faded into a manic depression
Thrown into a world thats hated , with your heart in recession
Your face to me still shaded , you begin the ascension
Your eyes are blue but your heart is black , and I snap the tension

Chorus

Interlude :

But when the pain subsides and love sets in the cracks
You're just setting yourself up for an abyssmal fall
The fall that will break you down , and render you dumb and senseless
You're being twisted like a mindless doll

Chorus

Well....hope ya like it..I knw I hate performing this one....sinks me into depression....
#2
I like it. you use a lot of big words, which is usally hard to pull off, but it seems to work.
#3
Verse 1

Lost in this puzzle called reality , lost in a neverending vortex
A sphere of sides , multiple duality , but lost in the context
When love means hate and hate means fatality , angers just a reflex
The pain you feel , just congeality , and hells just your suffix
=====hell is just your suffix doesnt make sense to me
Chorus :

Sadistic,medicated,happiness
You feel suffocated and now you're just
Concealed , degraded , in confusion
Achieving sweet absolution
===interesting chorus, but i dont understand the last line
Verse 2

And now the love has faded into a manic depression
Thrown into a world thats hated , with your heart in recession
Your face to me still shaded , you begin the ascension
Your eyes are blue but your heart is black , and I snap the tension
====you need to tell how u snap the tension
Chorus

Interlude :

But when the pain subsides and love sets in the cracks
You're just setting yourself up for an abyssmal fall
The fall that will break you down , and render you dumb and senseless
You're being twisted like a mindless doll
====mabe take out 'dumb'. and change cracks to 'depths mabe. cause hearing crack jsut kinda makes me laugh a little.

ok not ,bad, nice use of big words, thankfully i knew wat they meant this time, u gata be careful with big words, cuz not everybody will know wat they mean. jsut clarify up the parts that i didnt understand, and thats all.

crit my newest if u could
#4
its good i see u got some big words yeah like billy said its hard to pull them of but not impossible i will try to crit this in detail but fr noe rhyming pattern in verse 2 i didnt like it that much
Hi
#5
Hmm..so far so good.....maybe suffix cud be switched with pretext...dunno abt switching dumb and cracks though.....
Last edited by Judas_rising at Feb 4, 2007,
#6
The first verse is a little weird, but it's not bad. the whole song is good. In the chorus I would confused instead of in confusion because it fits with the other words. crit mine if you can, in my sig.
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