#1
This is a song I wrote for my band, Enemy Of One (http://www.myspace.com/enemyofonerocks/), called "Twelve Gauge Crucifix".

Bleeding rage fills all our heads
Each prefers the other dead
Glory, bloodfests, absolution

Freedom, free blood shed
Horrifying thoughts inside my head
Desecrate the will of madmen

We are just ants
Under the magnifying glass
There is no plan
Our charismatic ways are back

Deafening screams fill the air
Neither guilt nor shame feed here
Clandestine rivalries surfaced

Holy water, dragon's breath
A shotgun now a crucifix
Inevitabilities wielded

We are just ants
Under the magnifying glass
There is no plan
Our charismatic ways are back

Degrading chants
Including insignifigance
Wandering aimlessly
Inside your head they dance

Take this knife and stab a friend
Lack of trust hard to comprehend
Leaves a hole deep inside your chest

Pleading for your so-called life
Confused as to what is right
Quarantines for those unworthy

We are just ants
Under the magnifying glass
There is no plan
Our charismatic ways are back
#2
Bleeding rage fills all our heads
Each prefers the other dead
Glory, bloodfests, absolution
nice first verse
Freedom, free blood shed
Horrifying thoughts inside my head
Desecrate the will of madmen
mabe put 'of the madmen'

We are just ants
Under the magnifying glass
There is no plan
Our charismatic ways are back
i really dont like the chorus. its the lyrics i dont like. use a differnt verse as ur chorus
Deafening screams fill the air
Neither guilt nor shame feed here
Clandestine rivalries surfaced

Holy water, dragon's breath
A shotgun now a crucifix
Inevitabilities wielded
i hate it wen pple talk about dragons in their lyrics, then the sound liek some fantasy obsesed nerd wrote them.sorry
We are just ants
Under the magnifying glass
There is no plan
Our charismatic ways are back

Degrading chants
Including insignifigance
Wandering aimlessly
Inside your head they dance

Take this knife and stab a friend
Lack of trust hard to comprehend
Leaves a hole deep inside your chest

Pleading for your so-called life
Confused as to what is right
Quarantines for those unworthy

We are just ants
Under the magnifying glass
There is no plan
Our charismatic ways are back


ok, the verses are all almost great. except the one 1 pointed out, and the chorus doesnt fit in my opinion, talking about ants and stuff doesnt fit the rest of the song, even if the metaphore applys.pretty good
crit my new one if u could
#3
personally? i don't really like this, so it may affect the whole of my crit.

the verses, great imagery and vocab used. but i don't like them, it seems you've tried TOO hard to be specific and describing and it takes away the whole feel of the song.

Chorus. Ants? its kind of lame, honestly, the whole magnifying glass line didn't do it for me.

the verse about holy water and dragons breath, that whole verse is the best part of the whole song. It flowed spectacularly.

Apart from taht, i don't have much to say. Even though I don't like it, i will say this, it would make a kickass metal song, which i assume is what you have in mind for it?


If youve got time, link for mine is in my sig
#4
Yeah, it's supposed to be in a metal/rock-ish song. But yeah, I hear ya' and it's all a matter of opinion, and everyone is entitled to that. So thanks man.