#1
Hi. i had to write a song about people with HIV/AIDS or just people in general who feel left out. i forgot to do the homework and wrote whatever i could the next day at school. we didnt get to perform the songs because we had a supply teacher. this was my first attempt at writing, and i think its a bit rubbish. the homework was to do a rap, but mine kinda strayed from it. i have never written anything before, and i would like to start writing more (hopefully better) songs. so here it is:

Verse 1

I can see you walking down the street,
I can see you from your head, straight down to your feet,
Even in the rain, sleet, or the summer heat,
There isnt a person that you wouldnt greet.

Verse 2

And when they ask you questions,
You'll look them in the eyes.
You'll answer all that they ask,
And you'll tell them no lies.

Interludey thing

Hold your head up high,
And stand your ground,
Theres no need to cry,
When your friends are around.

Chorus

You gotta keep the faith,
And always stay strong.
Keep the faith,
And you'll never go wrong.

Verse 3

We all know you're not well,
And that your life may be hell.
But your courage will always shine through,
And no one will be able to harm you.

Repeat interludey thing and chorus.


now that i think about it, its a bit short, but hey, its geography homework. i dont think its very good, but what do you UGers think? thanks in advance.

- Faisal
Quote by jxljxl
Fais wins at life


The obscenely young leader of the Laney Cult


Member of the EHX Guild
#2
Verse 1

I can see you walking down the street,
I can see you from your head, straight down to your feet,
Even in the rain, sleet, or the summer heat,
There isnt a person that you wouldnt greet.
very basic rhyming, the second line is to long, try breaking it up into 2 lines
Verse 2

And when they ask you questions,
You'll look them in the eyes.
You'll answer all that they ask,
And you'll tell them no lies.
interesting......

Interludey thing
this is called a bridge, jsut so that u know
Hold your head up high,
And stand your ground,
Theres no need to cry,
When your friends are around.

Chorus

You gotta keep the faith,
And always stay strong.
Keep the faith,
And you'll never go wrong.
interesting, even though u repeat a line basicly, it doesnt bother me here
Verse 3

We all know you're not well,
And that your life may be hell.lots of pple use this way to often
But your courage will always shine through,and this line is way to common also.
And no one will be able to harm you.

Repeat interludey thing and chorus

( usually u dont repeat the bridge, but its ok if you do )

interesting for being a geography homework assignment,but i dont see how this relates to pple being left out/ with aids.
nice job for ur first attempt. are u new to UG?
crit my newest song if ya could
#3
well im not that new to UG, seeing as i joined last August. ill see what i can do about the song, and i'll try to crit yours too. i also dont see how it relates to people with AIDS, so i just hope we dont have to perform it. i also thought of the bit being a bridge, but i wasnt sure about it. thanks for the help

- Faisal
Quote by jxljxl
Fais wins at life


The obscenely young leader of the Laney Cult


Member of the EHX Guild
#4
Does anyone think i should name the song "Keep the Faith" seeing as it is in the chorus?
Quote by jxljxl
Fais wins at life


The obscenely young leader of the Laney Cult


Member of the EHX Guild
#5
Quote by rhcp_freak
Hi. i had to write a song about people with HIV/AIDS or just people in general who feel left out. i forgot to do the homework and wrote whatever i could the next day at school. we didnt get to perform the songs because we had a supply teacher. this was my first attempt at writing, and i think its a bit rubbish. the homework was to do a rap, but mine kinda strayed from it. i have never written anything before, and i would like to start writing more (hopefully better) songs. so here it is:

Verse 1

I can see you walking down the street,
I can see you from your head, straight down to your feet,
Even in the rain, sleet, or the summer heat,
There isnt a person that you wouldnt greet.

This isn't the best start but not that bad, I particularly don't like the fact that every line rhymes

Verse 2

And when they ask you questions,
You'll look them in the eyes.
You'll answer all that they ask,
And you'll tell them no lies.

This is much better and much more intresting

Interludey thing

Hold your head up high,
And stand your ground,
Theres no need to cry,
When your friends are around.

Don't partuclalry like this but it isn't that bad, just I think that the phrase 'keep your head high' is a little too generic


Chorus

You gotta keep the faith,
And always stay strong.
Keep the faith,
And you'll never go wrong.

I quite like this

Verse 3

We all know you're not well,
And that your life may be hell.
But your courage will always shine through,
And no one will be able to harm you.

Great last verse try to write more things like this


Repeat interludey thing and chorus.

A good piece of work, C4C? mines in sig




Well done
#6
thanks, this really helps. i'll try to crit yours
Quote by jxljxl
Fais wins at life


The obscenely young leader of the Laney Cult


Member of the EHX Guild
#7
im back guys so what line dyou think i should change?
I can see you from your head, straight down to your feet

OR

Even in the rain, sleet, or the summer heat

I was thinking of shortening the "I can see you from your head, straight down to your feet" line and changing the other line. so what dyou think? thanks in advance.

- Faisal
Quote by jxljxl
Fais wins at life


The obscenely young leader of the Laney Cult


Member of the EHX Guild
#8
Pretty cool song, but the head to feet phrase seems to crop up everywhere in music... I'd get rid of that line.

Also, Keep(in') the Faith is a Billy Joel tune... so I'd try to avoid that title.