#1
Hi. i was just talking to rory's_strat on msn, and came up with this strange little verse. i will write more later.

Verse 1

There was a young boy who lived in a shed.
He lived on his own,
With a haystack for a bed.
His clothes were as messy as the hair on his head,
He's never been washed,
And he hasn't been fed.

there it is C4C people, this is my second attempt at writing something thanks in advance.

- Faisal
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Fais wins at life


The obscenely young leader of the Laney Cult


Member of the EHX Guild
#3
lol. it wasnt supposed to be a proper song though, more of a poem. thanks. ill try to crit death omen

- Faisal
Quote by jxljxl
Fais wins at life


The obscenely young leader of the Laney Cult


Member of the EHX Guild
#5
very much agree with the nursery rhyme.... very alternative rock version on "There was an old woman who lived in a shoe?"

Quite cool, though, I quite like it, to be honest

If I were continuing it, I'd probably make the story EXTREMELY warped and evil, like RumplestiltskinL

Keep up the good work, amigo, and if you can, crit any of my songs.... preferably Finding An Angel, but if u do, I recommend you read the others to get the backstory of it all.
#6
i wanted to make it poetic, but then put it into a kind of soft bluesy song.
Quote by jxljxl
Fais wins at life


The obscenely young leader of the Laney Cult


Member of the EHX Guild
#7
ive thought about the kid getting lost, maybe finding a proper place to live, joining the army, then dying. anyone think its a good way to finish the song?
Quote by jxljxl
Fais wins at life


The obscenely young leader of the Laney Cult


Member of the EHX Guild
#9
its got great flow! id remove a couple of words to improve it even more for example "With a haystack for a bed." with a haystack bed instead but maybe you did that on purpose to stop it sounding too much like a nursery rhyme! either way sounds like a great start and if you can continue how you said il look forward to seeing it.
Please check out somethign in my sig thanks.
#10
ive thought of half of another verse which im not completely sure about. so right now, the song is:

Verse 1

There was a young boy who lived in a shed.
He lived on his own,
With a haystack for a bed.
His clothes were as messy as the hair on his head,
He's never been washed,
And he hasn't been fed.

(Half of) Verse 2

Living in the shed was such a bore.
He wanted to leave,
So he could fight in the war.
Quote by jxljxl
Fais wins at life


The obscenely young leader of the Laney Cult


Member of the EHX Guild
#12
on second thoughts, the second verse will go like this:

Living in the shed was such a bore.
He'd half a mind
To walk straight out the door.

Ill think of more later
Quote by jxljxl
Fais wins at life


The obscenely young leader of the Laney Cult


Member of the EHX Guild
#13
yeah you could make him go to a city but not fit in or something like that- not in an emo way though, just like he doesnt know what to do

its could be cool

good luck

~jimi
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#14
Alright, I dunno why I haven't updated this for a while, but I've got lyrics.

Verse 1

There was a young boy who lived in a shed.
He lived on his own,
With a haystack for a bed.
His clothes were as messy as the hair on his head,
He's never been washed,
And he hasn't been fed.

Verse 2

Living in the shed was such a bore.
He wanted to leave,
So he could fight in the war.
One day he left
And went to explore,
A city he'd never seen before.

Verse 3

He walked around, pail and thin,
He didn't know how
He would ever fit in.
Then and old man with stubble on his chin
Found the boy alone,
And took him in.


So thats what I got so far, whaddya think?
Quote by jxljxl
Fais wins at life


The obscenely young leader of the Laney Cult


Member of the EHX Guild
#15
Is this still going to be a poem? If not try play around with the same theme and get yourself a chorus and one more verse.
#16
Yeah, thats what I was planning. I've got some guitar for it down, and now I just need more. I didn't really want a chorus, but something like Castles Made Of Sand for an example. It's mroe of a story, but in a song.
Quote by jxljxl
Fais wins at life


The obscenely young leader of the Laney Cult


Member of the EHX Guild
#18
Thanks matey.
Quote by jxljxl
Fais wins at life


The obscenely young leader of the Laney Cult


Member of the EHX Guild