#1
My new song, please comment.


It doesn't matter where we go
as long as the lies stay inside your head
of those three words not uttered
from your dangerous lips tonight

Together
(Doesn't matter as long as i'm here)
Together
(Forgotten like a bottle on the street)
Together
(Lost like a wolf in a wonderful city)
Cause together doesn't mean anything tonight
(Together doesn't mean anything tonight)

Brilliant cuts and beaded red
is like a pain inside my chest
each one like the times you said
We'll be together...

It doesn't matter where we are
(Doesn't matter where we are)
It doesn't matter where we are
(doesn't matter where we are)
Just for tonight
(Wont you stay with me)

Together
(Doesn't matter as long as i'm here)
Together
(Forgotten like a bottle on the street)
Together
(Lost like a wolf in a wonderful city)
Cause together doesn't mean anything tonight
(Together doesn't mean anything tonight)
#2
Quote by Hitting Bottom
My new song, please comment.


It doesn't matter where we go
as long as the lies stay inside your head <- make this line smoother?
of those three words not uttered
from your dangerous lips tonight <- I like the dangerous lips
^
Not much tweaking needed in that verse.

Together
(Doesn't matter as long as i'm here) <-u used "as long" above. could you make it different? It's a very minor thing, people would usually not notice when it's in music. Looking at the screen with all the lyrics in view it seems more funny then it is.
Together
(Forgotten like a bottle on the street) <-These lines in the brackets are followed in the background right? It's almost like you could reverse it. Have these strong complex lines in the foreground, and put Together softer in the back.Together
(Lost like a wolf in a wonderful city) <- I like the city themewith the bottle and this
Cause together doesn't mean anything tonight
(Together doesn't mean anything tonight)
^
Chorus I take it? It's really good i think. Tweaking would make it more polished so it would be worth
it.


Brilliant cuts and beaded red <-hmm... I just don't like this line because it seems a tad overused in emo or poppunk/thatfakeemostuff. It's hard to say cuts now just cause people will peg you in a genre. It's hard to tell how to take this without music.
is like a pain inside my chest <-maybe just say "it's a pain inside my chest"...always liked metaphors more then similies...
each one like the times you said
We'll be together... < - Good ending, something I can relate to with whats going on in my life. Im an average person so lots of other people could too I bet.

It doesn't matter where we are
(Doesn't matter where we are)
It doesn't matter where we are
(doesn't matter where we are)
Just for tonight
(Wont you stay with me) <- this is your bridge/middle 8 right? It definatly has a different tone to it, which is good if it's your bridge. If it's not, try to make it a little more similar to previous verses.

Together
(Doesn't matter as long as i'm here)
Together
(Forgotten like a bottle on the street)
Together
(Lost like a wolf in a wonderful city)
Cause together doesn't mean anything tonight <- I already critted this but I'd like to say ya I really liked it.(Together doesn't mean anything tonight)


I really liked that song. I took it as describing a failed, failing, or dead end relationship. I just went through all three of those in ONE relationship that just ended 2 days ago. Sucks. This song made me feel a bit better though even just reading it. You have done your job because you made the listener feel and really think. This song has lots of potential and is already good, with polishing it can be great. Hope this helped.
#4
Maj thank you so much for your criticism!! I tweaked it and i had forgotten to label the parts. Enjoy the new version!!

Verse 1:
It doesn't matter where we go
as long as the lies stay inside your thoughts
of those three words not uttered
from your dangerous lips tonight

Chrous:
Together
(Doesn't matter because i'm here)<--- this is actually a second singer. In my band theres two singers a baratone low singer and a high pitched falsletto alto singer. The bracketed is actually the second singer
Together
(Forgotten like a bottle on the street)
Together
(Lost like a wolf in a wonderful city)
Cause together doesn't mean anything tonight
(Together doesn't mean anything tonight)

Crusted jewels and the colors bind <---(totally dig what you mean)
is a pain inside my chest<---- Go metaphors!!
each one like the times you said
We'll be together...

Bridge:
It doesn't matter where we are
(Doesn't matter where we are)
It doesn't matter where we are
(doesn't matter where we are)
Just for tonight
(Wont you stay with me)

Together
(Doesn't matter as long as i'm here)
Together
(Forgotten like a bottle on the street)
Together
(Lost like a wolf in a wonderful city)
Cause together doesn't mean anything tonight
(Together doesn't mean anything tonight)