#1
These are really just first draft lyrics I wrote around a kick ass hard rock riff I came up with (along the Blue Cheer lines). As always, crit for crit, but I'm going to bed soon, so I won't getto it until tommorow morning.

When Your Cities Turn to Dust

Verse:
When Your Cities
Turn to Dust
I'll stay with you
If I must
To watch you burn
To watch you fall
My friend I swear
I'd give it all

Verse:
When your roses
Burn at your feet
I only hope
You feel the heat
If it doesn't
Turn out alright
I won't lose
any sleep tonight

Chorus:
If the sun set for the last time now
And we're all left for dead
I hope your concrete fortress
Falls down upon your head
And if it's all a lie
And there's noone you can trust
I won't even shed a tear
When your cities turn to dust

Verse:
When your oceans
Are set a blaze
And your mountains
vanish in the haze
When the blood you sucked
Falls from the clouds
I promise you
I'll laugh out loud

(Chorus)

(face-melting solo)

Verse:
When your paper Gods
Tell their final lies
And you look your Devils
In the eyes
Maybe then
You'll finally see
Your forgivness is
The last thing I need

(Chorus)



A tad cliched, I know, but it's still a work in progress.
#2
wow. im really diggin that man. it sounds good. haha..i basically suck so i cant tell you if theres anything to fix. but it does sound awsome
#3
It doesn't have a half-decent flow to it, and it would sound good seeing your favourite bands. I personally don't see much wrong with this (although there may have already been people looking at this and saying it's "shit" merely because there aren't multiple meanings hidden within and I challenge anyone to find a decent number of songs released which have multiple hidden meanings and are written in the style seen on these forums).

That was a bit of a rant. Anyway, back to this. I don't see any reason why you should change very much of this. The structure maybe just a little bit off, but apart from that, pretty good.

(face-melting solo)

#4
i like this song, not really sure how its sung so i'm having some trouble with the structure in parts but i'm sure it sounds fine when you sing it...that aside, i like the lyrics alot and i mean it is a rageful song but you pulled off not sounding to barbaric so thats always nice, good song 8/10
#5
thanks for critting my piece!

i think some of the rhymes are a little forced throughout, but this is still very good. especially the rhythmn, which is brilliant
www.freewebs.com/silentproject
#6
Verse:
When Your Cities
Turn to Dust
I'll stay with you
If I must
To watch you burn
To watch you fall
My friend I swear
I'd give it all

Verse:
When your roses
Burn at your feet
I only hope
You feel the heat
If it doesn't
Turn out alright
I won't lose
any sleep tonight
confuses me, first u said ud give it all, now u wont lose any sleep?
Chorus:
If the sun set for the last time now
And we're all left for dead
I hope your concrete fortress
Falls down upon your headsounds childish and lame.(sorry)
And if it's all a lie
And there's noone you can trust
I won't even shed a tear
When your cities turn to dust

Verse:
When your oceans
Are set a blaze
And your mountains
vanish in the haze
When the blood you sucked
Falls from the clouds
I promise you
I'll laugh out loud

(Chorus)

(face-melting solo)

Verse:
When your paper Gods
Tell their final lies
And you look your Devils
In the eyes
Maybe then
You'll finally see
Your forgivness is
The last thing I need

(Chorus)

very nice i like it.the chorus may be to long. becuz u got shorter verse than ur chorus, when usualy its the other way around.9/10

crit my latest if you could