#1
coming down from ecstasy
(since you don't know)
is like coming home
from vacation,
too early.

coldest day in a stupid-warm january
I get up, close the door the rest of the way.

why do we keep coming here to party?
-this cheap hotel, week after week,
with its obvious unchanged sheets,
tvS blaring through the paper thin dividers.
where we find needles by the nightstand
with drawers that store no more than dust,
not even a bible, empty as a head can get,
filling gradually by the end
with our garbage.
where that splotch on the wall
certainly has the possibility
of being a blood stain bleached.--
----what are we even celebrating?

I go to get jess + mug
up out of the bed in which
they did not make love,
last night, but war
having had the fight
they'd been saving up for-
its a glass eyed staring contest;
I close the door.

gary having been arrested rather recently
for, in a manner of speaking, his honesty
wishes (vaguely) he were dead.
cuz, you can say that again
but I wouldn't recommend it.

move the electronics back
to where they came from-
everything so unexpectantly heavy

while heather, 15 through it all,
sits stares smiles at the wall.
how
cute.

me, I slept in my shoes
and am thinking of you.

the phone rings
"ya ya ya good morning"

it's a lot but it
isn't much.
all I've got to offer up
to you is my disgusting love.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#2
This is much more solid than the other one. The weakest points are in the 1st and last stanzas. Reason being poor flow and a shitty analogy.
Agghh skeet, skeet, crit me, skeet, skeet!
#3
word. thanks.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#5
I had a lengthy critique all done out, but the internet is a dirty *****.

Anyway, in regards to the first stanza, you are wrong, I do. But yes, that is a good way of describing it I'd say.

I enjoyed this, I just wish you'd had more references to the effects of the drug, also, tighter glue for the transition stanza to stanza. It flies about a wee bit.

But I enjoyed it <3
#6
yeah, I figured somebody who'd read it would know but the you in there doesn't know. I thought about referencing the drug more but it's really all about the come down, and not feeling the drug anymore. yeah, I'll do yours. if I haven't done it by 9 (I get out of work at 8) hit me.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in