#1
crit4crit

KISS MY LIPS, SWEET ETERNITY

The kingdom of Kronos
Perpetually reigns
From this throne, he watches
Creations of clay
The teeth have been sharpened
The mouth is wide open
And the glands are lubricating

The elders are wishing
That they could play
Just one last round of
Their childhood games
The teeth have been sharpened
The mouth is wide open
And the jaws are masticating


We will want to see the shows of Heaven
But don’t want to pay the admission
Frugal with all of our belongings
Except our most prized possession

Kiss my lips, sweet Eternity
May we be joined in matrimony?

The Rings of Saturn
Once shining pure gold
Transmuted to lead
On the fingers of the old
The teeth have been sharpened
The mouth is wide open
And the glands are lubricating

The sole medication
For our secular woes
Is to become meals
In Kronos’s bowls
The teeth have been sharpened
The mouth is wide open
And the jaws are masticating


We will want to see the shows of Heaven
But don’t want to pay the admission
Frugal with all of our belongings
Except our most prized possession

Kiss my lips, sweet Eternity
May we be joined in matrimony?

Mechanical hands
Tossed future into past
Counting each grain of sand
In the hourglass

Kiss my lips, sweet Eternity
May we be joined in matrimony?
Kiss my lips, sweet Eternity
May we be joined in matrimony?
Last edited by themarsvolta at Aug 2, 2007,
#2
The kingdom of Kronos
Perpetually reigns
From this throne, he watches
Creations of clay

Great start i really like it

The teeth have been sharpened
The mouth is wide open
And the glands are lubricating
The elders are wishing

I dont particularly like the lubricating here it kinda makes it sound sexual to my dirty mind but i guess it does work

That they could play
Just one last round of
Their childhood games
The teeth have been sharpened
The mouth is wide open
And the jaws are masticating

Really good again

We will want to see the shows of Heaven
But don’t want to pay the admission
Frugal with all of our belongings
Except our most prized possession

Good

Kiss my lips, sweet Eternity
May we be joined in matrimony?

I know this is your main part but to me it seems to not really fit with the rest of the piece im sure you could think of something better maybe its just the second line



The Rings of Saturn
Once shining pure gold
Transmuted to lead
On the fingers of the old

Great

The teeth have been sharpened
The mouth is wide open
And the glands are lubricating
The sole medication
For our secular woes
Is to become meals
In Kronos’s bowls
The teeth have been sharpened
The mouth is wide open
And the jaws are masticating

Good again still dont like lubricating though!

We will want to see the shows of Heaven
But don’t want to pay the admission
Frugal with all of our belongings
Except our most prized possession

Kiss my lips, sweet Eternity
May we be joined in matrimony?

Your heart is the only ticker
That will ever stop ticking

I really like this

And the Wheel of Fortune
Will never stop spinning
Mechanical hands
Tossed future into past
Counting each grain of sand
In the hourglass

Great again

Kiss my lips, sweet Eternity
May we be joined in matrimony?
Kiss my lips, sweet Eternity
May we be joined in matrimony?

Really good piece well done i enjoyed reading it thanks for the crit on mine.
Last edited by Vague Ideal at Feb 5, 2007,
#3
1st section's pretty good, I dig the repeated italics with slight change.

We will want to see the shows of Heaven
But don’t want to pay the admission
Frugal with all of our belongings
Except our most prized possession

The 1st line has one more syllable than the second, I'd recommend an adjective tacked onto admission for better flow. I cant tell if you were trying to work some rhyme into it, but I'm sure it'd work if you wanted it.

Your heart is the only ticker
That will ever stop ticking
And the Wheel of Fortune
Will never stop spinning
Mechanical hands
Tossed future into past
Counting each grain of sand
In the hourglass

The quality of this stanza does match the rest of the piece, it just screams cliche. I like the idea by means of expanding the theme, but it's poor poetry. If you're going to compare the heart to a clock, I wouldn't use both "ticker" and "ticking" I don't really see that as an effective use of repetition.
Agghh skeet, skeet, crit me, skeet, skeet!
#4
ah, I remember you, you critted my Anubis Complex project songs.... and I digged all your earlier stuff, and I do this.... this is good, very good.... imagery is great, I love the first stanza, the desperation of old men contemplating their youth is captured brilliantly... however, I do have to agree with ABetterBassist on the penultimate stanza... you know you have a way with words, use them: The last four lines are good, it's the first four that could be revised a bit. And Wheel of Fortune just conjures up the gameshow, which is a bit away from the entire mythological vibe I was getting, the epic poetry I was reading earlier in this piece.

Overall, however, it is very good.

The next part of The Anubis Complex is up, in my sig, called "Finding An Angel." any crit on that would be appreciated :d
#5
Really, you're such a solid writer of this style and I never usually find anything to fault with your pieces. You're probably one of th emost consistent writers on here, and once more this piece was clever, smart and thought provoking, and your style has always been intriguing and unique.

I will find somehting to crit, one day, on your stuff. You're one of the unsung writers on S+L imo.

#6
the only problem i had was this stanza:

The elders are wishing
That they could play
Just one last round of
Their childhood games

i don't know why i don't like it.
it just seems too simple for the rest.
i just overall didn't really like that part.

BUT. the piece. great piece. loved it.
really reminiscent of the mars volta.

I just want to sleep forever.


#7
"We will want to see the shows of Heaven
But don’t want to pay the admission
Frugal with all of our belongings
Except our most prized possession"

I really like this stanza and what i got out of it i felt was simple and straight forward, but at the same time you coudl pull something deeper out of it. I like it.

I didn't really liek the glans are lubricating line, i felt it stuck out as a sore spot every time i read it.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?