#1
I had to do this for a class. It was supposed to follow the same rules/structure as TS Elliot's poem "Preludes", so this is more a poem then song, but has some of the same elements. Anyway here it is, and comments are welcomed. thanks

Monotony

I
Another sunset in the west
Begins the long night of distress
Peaceful dreams tease
Page after page becomes blurred
Bobbing heads and dropping lids
Are the only concerns
Single beams of bright lights
Shine straight from star lit skies
As the owl swoops down
Upon the feeble field mice
The last of the rays are covered
As the few enjoy their sleep

II
Chiming clamor as the bells toll
Risen from far off lands
Staggering around, stumbling to arise
Still with sleep in the eye
The sudden splash of water
Regains all consciousness
To resume the day like before
Wondering weather
Anyone else is just as weary

III
You jump startled from the screaming
And you pray “God please not today,
Just another hour before the sun’s raised.”
As the nocturnal turn in
The sun cast its mighty glow
Looming just ahead is what you dread
Starting the day long before you wanted
Swiftly the frigid air engulfs
As the synthetic sun rays shine
You struggle with your vision
As you pretend with this decision
Of early morning classes
Stretching the stiffness
You know your only wishes

IV
Caught again bobbing the head
Notes scribbled down upon paper
Beside the slowly draining coffee cup
Wishing for that ring by spring
Closing the book even though it’s not done now
Traveling tiredly, trying to stagger home
Frozen to the bone like the creek below
Rushing underneath but sill clattering teeth
Absorbing warmth its all everyone wants
Lost in the confusion of the day
I’m just like the rest
Running ‘round without a clue
Oblivious to everything before me

Grab your life by the handles is so clichéd;
So create the wake no one else makes
Claim it, for it disappears quickly.
-----------------------------------------
Stephen Horn
Last edited by horn82y at Feb 7, 2007,
#2
IS it really that bad, or is it too long for anyone to put some serious comments on it?
#4
I
Another sunset in the west
Begins the long night of distress
Peaceful dreams tease
Page after page becomes blurred
Bobbing heads and dropping lidsi dont get this line or the one that follows it
Are the only concerns
Single beams of bright lights
Shine straight from star lit skies
As the owl swoops down
Upon the feeble field mice
The last of the rays are covered
As the few enjoy their sleep

II
Chiming clamor as the bells toll
Risen from far off lands
Staggering around, stumbling to arise
Still with sleep in the eye
The sudden splash of water
Regains all consciousness
To resume the day like before
Wondering weatherdont like the last 2 lines,
Anyone else is just as weary

III
You jump startled fomr the screamingmisspelled word
And you pray “God please not today,
Just another hour before the sun’s raised.”
As the nocturnal turn in
The sun cast its mighty glow
Looming just ahead is what you dread
Starting the day long before you wanted
Swiftly the frigid air engulfs
As the synthetic sun rays shine
You struggle with your vision
As you pretend with this decision
Of early morning classes
Stretching the stiffness
You know your only wishes

IV
Caught again bobbing the head
Notes scribbled down upon paper
Beside the slowly draining coffee cup
Wishing for that ring by springi dont get this line
Closing the book even though it’s not done now
Traveling tiredly, trying to stagger home
Frozen to the bone like the creek below
Rushing underneath but sill clattering teeth
Absorbing warmth its all everyone wants
Lost in the confusion of the day
I’m just like the rest
Running ‘round without a clue
Oblivious to everything before me

Grab your life by the handles is so clichéd;i dont like this line, the phrase is used to much
So create the wake no one else makes
Claim it, for it disappears quickly.


ok,its not bad,a few lines didnt fit, as i pointed out, the topic behind it is a little to simple for my tastes, but thats just me, it is still well written, with some nice descriptive nice to from clear imagery.nice job
#5
I feel like you missed the point of this. the Bobbing heads line is talking about being tired, ring by spring is talking about wanting to get married, and the grab your life line is meant to be used as a line that is used too much, that is why i followed it up with the next two lines. if you can tell me what the topic is i would be impressed i feel like you missed some of the main points of it. thanks though i do appreciate the comments thanks.
#6
the whole bobbing heads and ring for the spring are phrases ive never heard of before.and i jsut reread the grab ur life line. i thought the "is so clitched' was some comment from u and not actually part of the song. sorry for missing that part. but i think the topic is about always doing the same thing, everybody being the same, and being more of a original person.first time reading throguh it, i jsut skimmed through it, and thought it wa just about not wanting to get up. idk, im still probly wrong, but thats how i interprit them.
#7
that is actually pretty close. i had to do a poem similar to TS Elliot's Preludes so this why the structure is this way, but you got the gist of it. It is about everyday life and how things tend to be the same. not necessarily the people but the things you do. you develop a routine and keep to it. it is about a college students day. so yea you got the idea.
#8
Is it about working in an office or being in school and you are very tired and you want spring break or know that spring break is going to be short and that when its over you will have to go back to work and thats its not going to change?
#11
if you would have read the post right about your first it was right there. anyway here it is again...

It is about everyday life and how things tend to be the same. not necessarily the people but the things you do. you develop a routine and keep to it. it is about a college students day. so yea you got the idea.