#1
so this is the start to a song that i am writing for a girl who i have been getting really close with lately, i would like some feed back as to how to get it to be perfect because i need it to be perfect for her, because she's perfect


i wish every second was like that night in the Half-lit hallway with you

where a single gust clears the clouds from the sky like how a moment with you makes everything feel like nothing

Do you know, that my sweater is the dimmest star in the whole universe,

Compared to what i'd really give to you,

If you only knew...

so far that is all i have that is in any way usable. so if anyone has any tips or criticisms of this piece, feel free to throw them at me. and keep in mind this is a poem for a girl , so some parts of it are a bit personal and may not make sense to all of you. thanks in advance and crit 4 crit!
Old king cole was a merry old soul, a merry old soul was he.
He called for his pipe, and he called for his bowl( ****ing stoner)
and he called information for numbers he could have easily looked up in the phone book.
#2
I like where it's headed so far, it may be a little to metaphorical for her, but I don't know how she interprets things like that, so don't take it the wrong way, but I like the way it's going so far.
-Kevin
Quote by el-ECTRO
If your child can breathe, suspect drugs. Only people who breathe take drugs. People who cannot breathe still can, but it is increasingly difficult.
#3
I like it, you should add more to this I want to see how it turns out.
Bishop of Zeppelinism PM The Heartbreaker to join.

Quote by Duff_McGee
Everyone knows that the day the Metallica ends, the world ends.
#4
thanks guys i am going to probaly post more tomorrow but are you sure there is nothing you think i could do to improve this? are the metaphors clear enough?
Old king cole was a merry old soul, a merry old soul was he.
He called for his pipe, and he called for his bowl( ****ing stoner)
and he called information for numbers he could have easily looked up in the phone book.
#6
Sounds good so far.. do yo uhave anything else yet? the sweaters part she might be confused on, but you might have a different take on it than i do. If your having trouble thinking of other things to write in it, i've always had luck with these kinds of songs if you include stuff that only you two went through together... like some awkward situation you had together or a funny moment... girls like that sort of thing (at least that you remembered) put it in your own words and you will be golden... good luck... Anything that will make her smile she will love
bu§ta
#7
I don't dig the sweater line either.

way to plan ahead though
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#8
Quote by linesix
Sounds good so far.. do yo uhave anything else yet? the sweaters part she might be confused on, but you might have a different take on it than i do. If your having trouble thinking of other things to write in it, i've always had luck with these kinds of songs if you include stuff that only you two went through together... like some awkward situation you had together or a funny moment... girls like that sort of thing (at least that you remembered) put it in your own words and you will be golden... good luck... Anything that will make her smile she will love



since so many people don't dig the sweater line, and i wasn't really too sure of it myself im gonna replace that. as for saying stuff we went through together, the first line about a half lit halway was actually referring to our first date where we snuck into a hotel and sat in this like domed hallway with windows for walls. thanks for the replys everyone
Old king cole was a merry old soul, a merry old soul was he.
He called for his pipe, and he called for his bowl( ****ing stoner)
and he called information for numbers he could have easily looked up in the phone book.
#9
I personally like the sweater line. It gives the writing more of a personal feel, rather than making it seem like a generic love song. Take the line out and see what you can put in to replace it, but keep it in mind, the end result might look better with it. Good job, though.
#10
yeah the sweater thing is slightly personal, but i also was trying to make it widly understandable by kinda of mocking that cliche by putting it in there but i don;t think it really came off that way
Old king cole was a merry old soul, a merry old soul was he.
He called for his pipe, and he called for his bowl( ****ing stoner)
and he called information for numbers he could have easily looked up in the phone book.
#11
I like it, i'm looking forward to reading it again when you expand on it.
This line, is especially nice.
where a single gust clears the clouds from the sky like how a moment with you makes everything feel like nothing
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