#1
Insurrection

(Spoken)
From the darkness came light,
The instinct from within,
The battles I have waged,
Enlightened by the sin,
Come to me in dreams,
Hold me,
Comfort me,
Help me fade away
I know that you have work for me,
Can’t this be my dying day?

(Sung)

Marionette awaking within,
With sudden stirs of pain,
Subdued subconscious overwhelming,
Will I be mine again?

Or will I be a slave to destiny?
Will I fall away through eternity?
Will I once again be allowed to see
What I want to believe…

Puppet master dictating the sin,
Is this what is brought unto me?
Am I to act unholy murderer,
To kill what beggars belief?

Or am I enslaved to this destiny?
Will my screams echo through eternity?
Will my blood soaked eyes be condemned to see
What I used to believe?

(spoken)

And what if I refuse?
Any hell you preach can be no worse
No worse than my current phase
I will not be your slave

(sung)

I won’t be a slave to this,
A hypocrite, upon throne he sits
I won’t be a part of this,
I NO LONGER BELIEVE!

These strings you see,
Overwhelming me…
This sinner that strays from the flock…
A puppet I am not


Story:

Here’s part 5, folks “Insurrection.” This is the second part of the trilogy of songs detailing Sindri’s delve into the depths of his subconscious, as detailed in “Finding an Angel.” Sindri has been told that he has to hunt down Anubis and avenge any wrongdoings done to him. However, Sindri doesn’t like the idea of this, seeing himself as a tool of his God. He rejects his destiny, believing that a God that preaches love and forgiveness would never command him to go and kill anyone, let alone another God. He denounces his God, in an attempt to prevent this one future coming to fruition, and therefore preventing the deaths of many innocents in the process, as we have already seen in “The Horror.” Sindri knows what he is capable of, and he wishes that not to happen again.

Thanks for reading, I hope to hear your feedback. As ever, I will crit for crit. Anything is muchly appreciated.
#3
whoa is right... Puppet master dictating the sin, Will I be mine again, Will my blood soaked eyes be condemned to see,

I am inspired

I guess all I could say about that is the story wasn't clear, although I'm sure that's just because I haven't read the first 4 parts.

also, maybe you could have the god talking just before this spoken part

(spoken)
And what if I refuse?
Any hell you preach can be no worse
No worse than my current phase
I will not be your slave

to kind of have a debate-like thing. You could do the god's voice really super deep, talking about how he IS tied to this destiny, as said in the previous verse, and that he CAN'T disobey him or fear eternal damnation.

imo that would add more feeling to the end part, as the reader can relate to the idea of directly confronting and refusing a higher power (in this case the god), rather than just talking to oneself about how they disagree with them.

You know, making him actually outright disobey him rather than just arguing with himself as to whether he should carry out the god's wishes or not.
New Rush album in 2007! Can't wait!
Last edited by Luncbox at Feb 5, 2007,
#4
^^cheers for that, lunchbox.... but you gotta wait for part 6 for God's rebuttal

but yeah, again, thanks a lot merkalos for your interest in this series, and lunchbox, I hope you read the first 4, and have a better understanding of what's going on, lol... their in my sig
#5
Quote by Deliriumbassist
Insurrection


From the darkness came light,
The instinct from within,
The battles I have waged,
Enlightened by the sin,

The last line is a bit awkward.

Come to me in dreams,
Hold me,
Comfort me,
Help me fade away
I know that you have work for me,
Can’t this be my dying day?

The repetition of "me" here is a bit awkward.


Marionette awaking within,
With sudden stirs of pain,
Subdued subconscious overwhelming,
Will I be mine again?

I like the first and last lines in this stanza. The puppet/wanting freedom thing is really cool.

Or will I be a slave to destiny?
Will I fall away through eternity?
Will I once again be allowed to see
What I want to believe…

Too many "I"s

Puppet master dictating the sin,
Is this what is brought unto me?

Am I to act unholy murderer,
Kind of awkward line...

To kill what beggars belief?
I don't completely understand this line, a bit confusing.

Or am I enslaved to this destiny?
Will my screams echo through eternity?
Will my blood soaked eyes be condemned to see
What I used to believe?

last two lines have an awkward rhyme, because they are spaced oddly. 11 syllables to 6....

And what if I refuse?
Any hell you preach can be no worse
No worse than my current phase
I will not be your slave

I won’t be a slave to this,
A hypocrite, upon throne he sits
I won’t be a part of this,
I NO LONGER BELIEVE!

These strings you see,
Overwhelming me…
This sinner that strays from the flock…
A puppet I am not



Wow. Insane story. Interestingly written. I liked it.
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
#6
Didnt get round to reading the whole thing and I'm critting as I read

Insurrection

(Spoken)
From the darkness came light,
Too blunt, something I've learnt is show don't tell.
The instinct from within,
The battles I have waged,
Enlightened by the sin,
Forced rhyming, doesn't need it in a spoken passage.
Come to me in dreams,
Hold me,
Comfort me,
Help me fade away
Very cliche territory here.
I know that you have work for me,
Can’t this be my dying day?
Meh, no real great new ideas, I'd like to see someting more original, I've read many pieces that sound like this so far.

(Sung)

Marionette awaking within,
With sudden stirs of pain,
Subdued subconscious overwhelming,
Will I be mine again?
flow isn't great here, I'd like something more consistent.

Or will I be a slave to destiny?
Will I fall away through eternity?
Will I once again be allowed to see
What I want to believe…
Meh. Average IMO, I'm not being turned on by this writing, which isn't good

Puppet master dictating the sin,
Is this what is brought unto me?
Am I to act unholy murderer,
To kill what beggars belief?
Better, but still not wholey new. Try and find someting never used before

Or am I enslaved to this destiny?
Will my screams echo through eternity?
Will my blood soaked eyes be condemned to see
What I used to believe?
Flow just goes here, really doesn't read great.

(spoken)

And what if I refuse?
Any hell you preach can be no worse
No worse than my current phase
3rd line is really... bad imo, just feels so forced.
I will not be your slave

(sung)

I won’t be a slave to this,
A hypocrite, upon throne he sits
I won’t be a part of this,
I NO LONGER BELIEVE!

These strings you see,
better, show don't tell. clap clap
Overwhelming me…
This sinner that strays from the flock…
Better.

Overall alot of it was quite cliche and I've read before, try and find your own images to convey things, these werent new or exciting
A puppet I am not