#1
hey pples, this would be more of a screamo song in my opinon, the back up lines being screaming.i dont like it at all, so go ahead and tear it apart. crit for crit like always.i have changed a few lines abit, so check it again if u have already crited it.

i need you here
(but your not welcome)
a struggle fought inside
(a mind with useless thoughts)
whats a man to decide
when he doesn't even know right

i need you here...
but (your) not (wel)come (here)

thoughts leaving me hanging
from the gallows of life
(as emotions tear my heart)
blood,misery left in my wake
reveals the tortured mind
(with everything at stake)

i want you here...
but (your) not (wel)come (here)

the past rushed back
shown clear through memories
tear the image from my eyes
(decisions wont be altered)
you cant change me this time

i need you here
(but you not welcome)
every time you speak
(it takes it all from me)
let the air steal your breath
(your words bring upon mental death)


i need you here....
but (your) not (wel)come (here)

you held the key
to my everything
my (mind) my (heart) my (soul)
but it never reached its destination
for i hold one last proclamation

I
(don't)
need
(you)
Last edited by ragglefraggle at Feb 11, 2007,
#2
i need you here
(but you not welcome)
a struggle fought inside
(confuses the mind with usless thoughts)
whats a man to decide
when he doesnt even know right


i liked the opening verse


you (not) wel(come) here
(your) not (wel)come (here)

i dont like the repetition over here


thoughts leaving me hanging
from the gallows of life
(as emotions tear my heart)
blood, left in my wake
reveals the tortured mind
(with everything at stake)


i liked first 2 lines rest is good to

you (not) wel(come) here
(your) not (wel)come (here)

the past rushed back
shown clear trough memorys
tear the image from my eyes
(decisons wont be altered)
you cant change me this time

i need you here
(but you not welcome)
everytime you speak
(it takes it all from me)
some one take her breath
before my will is struck down

last 2 lines are bit odd to me i dont know why

you (not) wel(come) here
(your) not (wel)come (here)

already said about above lines

you held the key
to my everything
my (mind) my (heart) my (soul)
but it never reached its destination
for i one left proclamation

this i liked best

(dont)
need
(you)



u know i am gonna be honest with you i am not big fan of screamo songs but dude you can really make a good song out of this some of the lines really got potential
thnx for the crit on mine anyways.

wanted to crit ur other songs too but they have already been crited . i am srry i returned crit a bit late i was sort of busy
Hi
#4
It's not that bad, I didn't like the first two stanzas at all, but the third one was good and from there it was okay, this could still make a good song in my opinion.


**** i was thinking about changing'your (not) wel(come) here,(your) not (wel)come (here)' with "I (need) you (here),but (your) not (wel)come"
any ideas?

Maybe I need you here, (but your not welcome) or (I need you here) but your not welcome
I know that probably doesn't help but it sounds better in my head.

Overall this was okay, thanks for the crit, sorry I didn't completely return it in full.
#6
I don't like the alternation of screaming and main vocals like

you (not) wel(come) here
(your) not (wel)come (here)

I think it'd be better to have one part normal, and one part screaming, like this verse.
i need you here
(but you not welcome)
a struggle fought inside
(confuses the mind with usless thoughts)
whats a man to decide
when he doesnt even know right

besides that the lyrics are pretty solid, but i'm not a fan of screamo so, i can't offer any help past that.
#7
i need you here
(but you not welcome)
a struggle fought inside
(confuses the mind with usless thoughts)
whats a man to decide
when he doesnt even know right

i think that confuses the mind should be its own line, or maybe change the ending of that line to fit more, it kind of stands out.

i need you here...
but (your) not (wel)come (here)

that would sound great the way you have siad it would be, altering voices. with the right beat and guitar you could pull that off.

thoughts leaving me hanging
from the gallows of life
(as emotions tear my heart)
blood, left in my wake
reveals the tortured mind
(with everything at stake)

this section is awesome. no problems here at all.

i want you here...
but (your) not (wel)come (here)

okay....:] thats cool.

the past rushed back
shown clear trough memorys
tear the image from my eyes
(decisons wont be altered)
you cant change me this time

this is really great as well

i need you here
(but you not welcome)
everytime you speak
(it takes it all from me)
some one take her breath
before my will is struck down

great


i need you here....
but (your) not (wel)come (here)

you held the key
to my everything
my (mind) my (heart) my (soul)
but it never reached its destination
for i one left proclamation

your use of words here is great. im a horrible rhymer, i envy your wonderful rhyimg ability.
I
(dont)
need
(you)

i liked this it was really good. it all flows nicely and ties in well.
#8
um, well it's very dark, I'm assuming the bracketed words are screams.. but are they layered behind the other vocals or do they alternate?
I don't know, sometimes the screams rhyme, they seem a bit random, but that's cool, it could definately work depending on timing.

the last line, "for i one left proclamation" doesn't make sense, just the order of the words, I know it wouldn't rhyme if you said, "for I've one proclamation left" but that's what it sounds like it should be, maybe you could re-order the first part to leave the rhyming word at the end.

and the line, "someone take her breath", seems to be all on it's own as far as being actively aggressive towards your subject, rather than the rest of the song which is more a passive confliction of emotions,
perhaps you could back it up by making the rest of the song a bit more aggressive.

cheer cheer
The mind is not a vessel to be filled, it is a fire to be kindled.
#9
I like the parts with the screaming, it makes your song sound better, and are you ever going to sing your songs in a band?
#11
it seems like itd fit well with music (not that i no anything about screamo), the lyrics arent actually anything that seem brilliantly written or anything, seems like itll fit your purpose as a song, but lyrically i dont see this really speaking to anyone
#12
I know you 14... We go to the same school... and i see that you are going to form a band, because you lyrics would sound good with a band.
#14
OMG!, u seriously didn't know?.. i told u i was going to make an account, and cant u see my name,icon, or name thingy under my name?......
#15
This has good up side (though the music style isnt my favorite it could end up sounding like something Say anything would do). I like most of it, but i feel like you have a lot of angst built up in you, or at least that is how your writing comes out. anyway i was a fan of this one too.

This could sound really cool if done well:
i need you here...
but (your) not (wel)come (here)
#16
Quote by ragglefraggle


i need you here
(but you not welcome)
a struggle fought inside
(confuses the mind with usless thoughts)
whats a man to decide
when he doesnt even know rightthis is a great verse...

i need you here...
but (your) not (wel)come (here)

thoughts leaving me hanging
from the gallows of life
(as emotions tear my heart)
blood, left in my wake
reveals the tortured mind
(with everything at stake)so far it excellent

i want you here...
but (your) not (wel)come (here)

the past rushed back
shown clear through memorys
tear the image from my eyes
(decisons wont be altered)
you cant change me this time

i need you here
(but you not welcome)
everytime you speak
(it takes it all from me)
let the air steal your breath
(for you can bring upon sertain death)


i need you here....
but (your) not (wel)come (here)i like how you use the i need/want you here line.. its very effective repetition.

you held the key
to my everything
my (mind) my (heart) my (soul)
but it never reached its destination
for i hold one last proclamation

I
(dont)
need
(you)



i really like the range in which this song is put together.. Its an original idea but spans out with emotion. What was your ispiration for this song?? I think this is your best piece of all of your others (i've only critted this one) and i think you should edit this until its final draft is percetly complete. I think you'd prolly be nuts if you didn't try to get this song heard. I would download this track and listen to it alot.. It has great potential. Keep it up!! C4C
#17
I apologize for not giving you any feedback on this last night. Internet problems... The news actually declared my county an official State of Emergency warning early this morning. Upstate NY snow is heavy stuff, if you didn't know.

But anyway, if I were to give you a critique on the actual content of this, it wouldn't be pretty. I'm not a fan of consistant use of ideas in lyrics, so I will just point out a number of spelling mistakes. And the one in italics, makes no sense whatsoever to me.

Oh, and the parenthesis are absolutely unneccesary.

If you got nothing out of my critique, at least you got a bump.


-Jacob.

i need you here
(but your'e not welcome)
a struggle fought inside
(confuses the mind with usless thoughts)
whats a man to decide
when he doesnt even know right

i need you here...
but (your'e) not (wel)come (here)

thoughts leaving me hanging
from the gallows of life
(as emotions tear my heart)
blood, left in my wake
revealls the tortured mind
(with everything at stake)


the past rushed back
shown clear through memories
tear the image from my eyes
(decisons wont be altered)
you cant change me this time


everytime you speak
(it takes it all from me)
let the air steal your breath
(for you can bring upon certain death)
#18
Quote by ragglefraggle
hey pples, this would be more of a screamo song in my opinon, the back up lines being screaming.i dont like it at all, so go ahead and tear it apart. crit for crit like always.i have changed a few lines abit, so check it again if u have already crited it.

i need you here
(but you not welcome)
a struggle fought inside
(confuses the mind with usless thoughts)
whats a man to decide
when he doesnt even know right

Jumps around a little too much IMO.

i need you here...
but (your) not (wel)come (here)

thoughts leaving me hanging
from the gallows of life
(as emotions tear my heart)
blood, left in my wake
reveals the tortured mind
(with everything at stake)

Enjoyed the part above.

i want you here...
but (your) not (wel)come (here)

the past rushed back
shown clear through memories
tear the image from my eyes
(decisons wont be altered)
you cant change me this time

Fine, I liked the 3L.

i need you here
(but you not welcome)
everytime you speak
(it takes it all from me)
let the air steal your breath
(for you can bring upon certain death)

I don't know why, but I just didn't like the last line...

i need you here....
but (your) not (wel)come (here)

you held the key
to my everything
my (mind) my (heart) my (soul)
but it never reached its destination
for i hold one last proclamation

I liked it all except the beginning of the last two lines. I don't know why (as always) but something about the 'but' and 'for' threw me off.

I
(dont)
need
(you)


somewhere between 6/10 and 8 or 9/10, depending on how it's sung.
#19
i need you here
(but you not welcome) Reminds me of a Linkin Park line lol
a struggle fought inside
(confuses the mind with usless thoughts) Doesnt seem to fit for me
whats a man to decide
when he doesnt even know right

i need you here... I like how the first lines are the chorus
but (your) not (wel)come (here) Should be screamed or sung, not a mixture of both

thoughts leaving me hanging
from the gallows of life
(as emotions tear my heart)
blood, left in my wake
reveals the tortured mind
(with everything at stake)

i want you here...
but (your) not (wel)come (here)

the past rushed back
shown clear through memories
tear the image from my eyes
(decisons wont be altered)
you cant change me this time

i need you here
(but you not welcome)
everytime you speak
(it takes it all from me)
let the air steal your breath
(for you can bring upon certain death) I really like this verse


i need you here....
but (your) not (wel)come (here)

you held the key
to my everything
my (mind) my (heart) my (soul)
but it never reached its destination
for i hold one last proclamation

I
(dont)
need
(you) Really like the ending, would be good if it was faded out

As you can see I suck at this stuff
#20
realli good song there (y)
reminds me of kilslwitch a bit, the alternating screaming part =]

a realli lyk this line:
"thoughts leaving me hanging
from the gallows of life"

thats strong dude =]

well done.
#21
Quote by ragglefraggle


i need you here
(but your not welcome)
a struggle fought inside
(confuses the mind with usless thoughts)
whats a man to decide
when he doesnt even know right
Eh, no flow at all here. Not my genre, but these lyrics are unoriginal. That second bracketed part- really bad, just doesn't fit or flow.

i need you here...
but (your) not (wel)come (here)
Random screaming parts like that I can't imagine sounding nice at all.

thoughts leaving me hanging
from the gallows of life
That's better, more original.
(as emotions tear my heart)
blood, left in my wake
reveals the tortured mind
(with everything at stake)
But back to cliche territory. I's hard to be consistent original, but it has to look like you're trying.

i want you here...
but (your) not (wel)come (here)

the past rushed back
shown clear through memories
tear the image from my eyes
This line is decent.
(decisons wont be altered)
you cant change me this time

i need you here
(but you not welcome)
everytime you speak
(it takes it all from me)
let the air steal your breath
(for you can bring upon certain death)
Meh, agian I've heard all this before.


i need you here....
but (your) not (wel)come (here)

you held the key
to my everything
Very cliche.
my (mind) my (heart) my (soul)
but it never reached its destination
for i hold one last proclamation

I
(dont)
need
(you)

Eh, most of this I've read hundreds of time before, really. Try and be unique, express your feelings in new and exciting ways. This is like so much I've read, you really need to be unique to be good with these lyrics.


#23
i need you here
(but your not welcome)
a struggle fought inside
(a mind with useless thoughts)
whats a man to decide
when he doesn't even know right
Good base to start but the second screamo part really doesnt flow at all

i need you here...
but (your) not (wel)come (here)
I like this for some reason

thoughts leaving me hanging
from the gallows of life
(as emotions tear my heart)
blood,misery left in my wake
reveals the tortured mind
(with everything at stake)
My favorite part right here

i want you here...
but (your) not (wel)come (here)

the past rushed back
shown clear through memories
tear the image from my eyes
(decisions wont be altered)
you cant change me this time
Uhm I don't get this part really it doesnt seem to flow with the rest of the song

i need you here
(but you not welcome)
every time you speak
(it takes it all from me)
let the air steal your breath
(your words bring upon mental death)
Except for the last line I like this too maybe change it to soemthing else


i need you here....
but (your) not (wel)come (here)

you held the key
to my everything
my (mind) my (heart) my (soul)
but it never reached its destination
for i hold one last proclamation
Very good. Nice ending verse
I
(don't)
need
(you)

Overall I think theres a lot of potential for this. I'm sure you'll find a way to turn the metal into a really good song.