#1
First real attempt at poetry, C&C please.

Its become impossible to stand,
these dreary winter nights,
I can't wait any longer,
I pray for light.

The chill befell our small town,
it stripped the warmth from my room,
stole the beat from my heart,
and sucked the breath from my lungs.

Nobody ventures outside,
it'd be an admirable feat,
I can't wait any longer,
I pray for heat.
Last edited by Bizarro at Feb 6, 2007,
#2
not bad at all imo, for some reason the last line i just don't like at all, it feels just out of place for some reason, but other than that i think it;s good
Old king cole was a merry old soul, a merry old soul was he.
He called for his pipe, and he called for his bowl( ****ing stoner)
and he called information for numbers he could have easily looked up in the phone book.
#3
i like this... i kind of took it a few different ways too which is always cool for a song or poem... "i can't wait any longer, i pray for light" I really liked this line, you really set up a picture to be thought up of during the reading... good job
bu§ta
#4
I really liked this! especially the last stanza, which i thought was brilliant.

The shortness of this poem adds to it's power, and the simplicisty behind it does aswell. Good work.

Crit mine? It's called "Green House"
"They credited us with the birth of that sort of heavy metal thing. Well, if that's the case, there should be an immediate abortion." - Ginger Baker

Quote by alexlemon2
I've been here long enough, and nobody knows who teh fudge I am


I cry at night
#5
Thanks, I'll definitley write some more stuff after seeing these good responses.
#7
that was very very good. i wish my very first attempt at poetry looked like that. :] you rhyme very well, and i like your way of writing too in this. its very good.
#8

Its become impossible to stand,
these dreary winter nights,
I can't wait any longer,
I pray for light.

ok opening is gr8

The chill befell our small town,
it stripped the warmth from my room, try stripps the warmth from my room
stole the beat from my heart,
and sucked the breath from my lungs.

rest is good

Nobody ventures outside,
it'd be an admirable feat,
I can't wait any longer,
I pray for heat.

2 line is a bit odd may be try rewording it



wanted to give u full crit but not much into poetry thnx for crit anyway
Hi