#1
Short Song, I know.


I sit writing this song in the dark
With cobbles on the floor.
You un-buttoned your shirt,
I don’t want to look any more

Can’t think of anything to say
When I’m sat alone.
Turn the dial down again
To cool down my home.

Because I don’t know where we are,
I’m sitting with a beer,
Looking out over the forest.
Watching it burn and disappear

Ok, put your organs out on the table
No time to grow a conscience
We need to recycle them quickly,
Get rid of the damned evidence.

Cry your eyes out at the DVDs
Complaining is all the rage
The scholars still battle it out,
But it’s not up to their age
"They credited us with the birth of that sort of heavy metal thing. Well, if that's the case, there should be an immediate abortion." - Ginger Baker

Quote by alexlemon2
I've been here long enough, and nobody knows who teh fudge I am


I cry at night
#2
I kinda liked the contemporary reference to DVDs, but not so much a fan of the beer point, I dunno maybe it's just me but it sounds a bit banal and it slightly undercuts the rest of what you have.

The second to last stanza is really dark compared to the rest of it, I liked it it was shocking, but I don't know if that's what you wanted. It even sounded a bit satirical of something, or maybe just sarcasm or sardonicism.

And finally, I think this may just be a personal preference, but I think when you say in the song that you're writing the song (i.e. your first line) it's just a little on the infuriating side. I don't know why.

But overall I really liked it. Good work!
#3
Quote by beakerbeaker
I kinda liked the contemporary reference to DVDs, but not so much a fan of the beer point, I dunno maybe it's just me but it sounds a bit banal and it slightly undercuts the rest of what you have.

The second to last stanza is really dark compared to the rest of it, I liked it it was shocking, but I don't know if that's what you wanted. It even sounded a bit satirical of something, or maybe just sarcasm or sardonicism.

And finally, I think this may just be a personal preference, but I think when you say in the song that you're writing the song (i.e. your first line) it's just a little on the infuriating side. I don't know why.

But overall I really liked it. Good work!



To be honest, i wasn't a fan of the beer line, i was stuck on it for a while, then decided to leave it.

Also, the second to last stanza is meant to be a lot more dark, and it is just a bit of black humour and metaphorical for needing a radical change.
"They credited us with the birth of that sort of heavy metal thing. Well, if that's the case, there should be an immediate abortion." - Ginger Baker

Quote by alexlemon2
I've been here long enough, and nobody knows who teh fudge I am


I cry at night
#4
Well in that case it works well, I just wasn't sure whether it was meant to be in keeping with the rest of it which is a bit lighter
#5
Quote by hippy12
Short Song, I know.


I sit writing this song in the dark
With cobbles on the floor.
You un-buttoned your shirt,
I don’t want to look any more

I'm not a fan of the last line.

Can’t think of anything to say
When I’m sat alone.
Turn the dial down again
To cool down my home.

I like this one.


Because I don’t know where we are,
I’m sitting with a beer,
Looking out over the forest.
Watching it burn and disappear

I don't like the 2nd line, but the rest is good.

Ok, put your organs out on the table
No time to grow a conscience
We need to recycle them quickly,
Get rid of the damned evidence.

I really enjoy this stanza, it made me think.

Cry your eyes out at the DVDs
Complaining is all the rage
The scholars still battle it out,
But it’s not up to their age

Its good, but for some reason it just doesn't fit with the other stanzas to me.



Overall, I like it.
#6
Thanks a lot for the crit. I'm pondering over what to use instead of the beer line now...
"They credited us with the birth of that sort of heavy metal thing. Well, if that's the case, there should be an immediate abortion." - Ginger Baker

Quote by alexlemon2
I've been here long enough, and nobody knows who teh fudge I am


I cry at night