#1
This is on the spot if that makes a difference, but I've been tossing the subject around for a couple of days. This turned out to be a little experimental for me, I hope it's good, but it might not be. I'll probably change a little of it later.


"Sincere"

"You're the most important thing in my life"

I could live off those kind of lines
when she says them with full sincerity,
I feel like I don't even have to breathe,
like the words themselves could keep me living.


"The only way I could stop is if I promise you I will"


Lines that make me feel some sort of importance,
I feel the absence of loneliness,
something that I haven't felt in a long time,
I feel like I'm sublime, at least through her eyes.


"I miss you so much, I miss seeing you"

Words that weigh me down with regret,
but that's better then the words being unsaid.

If only things could've been different,
then I stop thinking cause it only makes me
angry at them, but they deserve a lot more then
just my hate and anger, if it weren't for them I'd still feel whole.
#2
"Sincere"

"You're the most important thing in my life"

I could live off those kind of lines
when she says them with full sincerity,
I feel like I don't even have to breathe,
like the words themselves could keep me living.


last line can be much better . i know ur trying to say that her words can keep u living ur life but the last line is not as better as the rest 3. idea should be the same but in some other words i think


"The only way I could stop is if I promise you I will"

Lines that make me feel some sort of importance,
I feel the absence of loneliness,
something that I haven't felt in a long time,
I feel like I'm sublime, at least through her eyes.


this one is gr8


"I miss you so much, I miss seeing you"

Words that weigh me down with regret,
but that's better then the words being unsaid.

If only things could've been different,
then I stop thinking cause it only makes me
angry at them, but they deserve a lot more then
just my hate and anger, if it weren't for them I'd still feel whole.

i didnt like the ending as the rest of the piece


i loved how you first mentioned the message and then expressed it
Hi
#3
"You're the most important thing in my life"

I could live off those kind of lines
when she says them with full sincerity,
I feel like I don't even have to breathe,
like the words themselves could keep me living.
i like it, nothing i can spot wrong

"The only way I could stop is if I promise you I will"

Lines that make me feel some sort of importance,
I feel the absence of loneliness,
something that I haven't felt in a long time,
I feel like I'm sublime, at least through her eyes.
i dont know, but something about L3 bugged me

"I miss you so much, I miss seeing you"

Words that weigh me down with regret,
but that's better then the words being unsaid.

If only things could've been different,
then I stop thinking cause it only makes me
angry at them, but they deserve a lot more then
just my hate and anger, if it weren't for them I'd still feel whole.
i didnt really like repeating the anger part, and the last line was a bit to long for me, but thats just me

i like it alot, like tht other person said, its cool how u said the lines, then had a verse about them,helping me kno wat the verse would be about better.just minor things bugged me a little, but thats jsut me, and i still think its great.keep it up.

crit one of my newest if u could
#4
After re-reading this I've noticed the ending doesn't really fit with the piece, but I'm gonna keep it there for the time being, but I've already written an alternate ending for it though.
Last edited by stratkat at Feb 7, 2007,
#5
I owe you a crit from like a month ago, so here it is. Sorry I took so long, man. The first stanza, I thought, was the strongest in the piece, I really liked it.

I don't know why, but the wording of the second italicized phrase seemed to push me the wrong way.

When I first read the first two lines of the 2nd stanza (I'm not counting the italicized phrases as stanzas) they seemed to not have the strongest transition, but when I read through it a couple more times it seemed to fit. So, I don't know, maybe you could look into that. I really like the last line of the stanza, though.

The third stanza just seemed really poor to me. It just bugged me. Theres nothing that I can really point out. If you're going to keep it, though, "then" should be "than" in the second line.

As for the last stanza, it could use some revising. I say you post the other ending up and let people see it.

So this piece seemed to start out great and then slowly lose it's grip. But, it was still really good. Sorry that there weren't that many details I could point out.

I know this is a crit in return for one way back when, but if you could post a crappy crit on my newest one "Ignorance is Welcome", that would be great. Sorry I took so long on this one, Kyle.