#1
ok, this is actually about the Dawn, not a chick called Dawn, slightly confusing, it's actually about a wee rabbit in love with the sunrise, (hence Dawn) and one day he sees the sunset and thinks his love is dying,

it's sung to a very simple tune, one of my first

dawn
oh honey what's wrong
you seem so washed out
oh tell me why...

you're fading away
burning crimson into grey
oh Dawn please don't fade away
don't fade away from me


dawn
I know you'd never do me wrong
but your beauty don't unfold
it grows old - and you just...

fade fade fade away
just like silver into grey
baby please don't fade away
don't fade away from me


dawn
now your colours are all gone
you have left me here so blind
but in my mind - you...

shine - everything's
fine - we're en-
twined
mmmmmmm
The mind is not a vessel to be filled, it is a fire to be kindled.
#2
dawn
oh honey what's wrong
you seem so washed out
oh tell me why...

you're fading away
burning crimson into grey
oh Dawn please don't fade away
don't fade away from me
using fade a second time here, bugged me a little, but not much

dawn
I know you'd never do me wrong
but your beauty don't unfold
it grows old - and you just...
i dont really like the last line, i understand it leads into the next, but i dont think its as good

fade fade fade away
just like silver into grey
baby please don't fade away
don't fade away from me


dawn
now your colours are all gone
you have left me here so blind
but in my mind - you...

shine - everything's
fine - we're en-
twined
mmmmmmm

i dont like how u broke up the last verse, made it a little hard to read/understand for me


very good, except if u hadnt told me, i would ha ve never guessed it was about a rabit and a sunrise.nice, i like how u made the sunrise seem like a actual person. very nice, well done.

crit 'not welcome' if u could
#3
Not sure where the rabbit comes into it, I think it would be pretty cool if you left it ambiguous as to whether you mean a girl or sunrise.

Just work on the flow and some elegant variation and this could be real good!

Please crit mine it's my first, it's in my sig