#1
This was my first ever written poem, i only have 3, so this one might not be good, it doesn't have commas or periods. It would be awesome if you would comment. Thx!


when a boy likes a girl
he doesn't always show it
whether her hair is in a curl
or even if she gets hit

He might not know much
but he can learn to talk
in any language possible, even dutch
or even walk the walk

The girl is asked a simple question
but she doesn't respond right away
she only does a simple gesture
for she knows nothing to say

she is then asked for an answer
but she just says she has to go
so now all the boy has to fear
is that negative word, "no"

the folowing day when she is in sight
the boy isn't really sure but
he has decided he just might
he slowly walks toward her

he reaches her just in time
the question is once again repeated
but he starts to feel like a mime
for an answer was all he needed

he felt like if it were another day
as if he was reborned, as a baby
he thought his feelings were just a game
that she would just play
but she only reached level 2 with her answer
for it was just a "maybe"

with one week having past
and the "maybe" being unanswered
for all his hope that would never last
had become very unstable

his question was then answered
for what she didn't want to do
she had done
his heart shaddered in many pieces

he had done all he could
so no more could be done
when something happens,
when a boy likes a girl

Thx For Reading
#2
very good.. though very long :P

but nice.. I enjoyed reading it!
#5
yeah, but crit it.. i forgot what u had said........ yeah i didn't pay much attencion and i want to write lyrics but i dont understand the verse and chorus thing.. lol
#6
well ok, so far u've written poems, but lyrics usualy dont have as simple of rhyme schemes,and they have a chorus and sometimes a bridge. a chorus is the part of the song that contains lyrics that are general, and express the main topic, and are repeated often in the song. the verses arnt usualy repeated,and are more descriptive.the bridge is a part that stands out from the chorus or verse, its just one stanza usually, and u can mainly only tell it out when the music is played with the lyrics, because it sounds completly differnt from the rest of the song.
#7
umm...can you explain during school?.. makes it alot easier...... i understand that the verses aren't repeated and the chorus is.. but i dont understand the "bridge".....
#8
when a boy likes a girl
he doesn't always show it
whether her hair is in a curl
or even if she gets hit
i dont like the last line fo this, its to blunt, the word 'hit'.try rewording/ changing

He might not know much
but he can learn to talk
in any language possible, even dutch
or even walk the walk
nothing wrong with this verse

The girl is asked a simple question
but she doesn't respond right away
she only does a simple gesture
for she knows nothing to say
nothing wrong here

she is then asked for an answer
but she just says she has to go
so now all the boy has to fear
is that negative word, "no"
still good, reminds me of the story 'the grinch' because of the rhyming every other line.lol

the folowing day when she is in sight
the boy isn't really sure but
he has decided he just might
he slowly walks toward her
i dont like the last line much, it sounds a bit odd compared to the rest

he reaches her just in time
the question is once again repeated
but he starts to feel like a mime
for an answer was all he needed

he felt like if it were another day
as if he was reborned, as a baby
he thought his feelings were just a game
that she would just play
but she only reached level 2 with her answer
for it was just a "maybe"

with one week having past
and the "maybe" being unanswered
for all his hope that would never last
had become very unstable

his question was then answered
for what she didn't want to do
she had donethid line is a bit to short, try adding to it
his heart shaddered in many pieces

he had done all he could
so no more could be done
when something happens,
when a boy likes a girl


ok, very good. i pointed out the spots that bugged me, but i think it still sounds fine how it is.lol
crit any of mine u havent yet
#9
well.. i cant crit. because i really dont know how..... lmao.. i'm not good at it.. and you dont want me to say what i have to say... (u know me always saying negative stuff)
#11
Quote by axe395
This was my first ever written poem, i only have 3, so this one might not be good, it doesn't have commas or periods. It would be awesome if you would comment. Thx!


When a boy likes a girl,
he doesn't always show it.
Whether her hair is in a curl,
or even if she gets hit. I didn't like this last line, maybe you could change change it to something rhyming with curl, even though that would also rhyme with the first line, maybe you should have it not rhyming at all.

He might not know much,
but he can learn to talk.
in any language possible, even dutch,
or even walk the walk. I say take out the even dutch part, it stops the flow.

The girl is asked a simple question,
but she doesn't respond right away.
She only does a simple gesture,
for she knows nothing to say. Great!

She is then asked for an answer,
but she just says she has to go.
So now all the boy has to fear,
is that negative word, "no". Another classic.

The following day when she is in sight,
the boy isn't really sure but he has decided he just might. One sentence there, mate
He slowly walks toward her,
he reaches her just in time.
The question is once again repeated,
but he starts to feel like a mime,
For an answer was all he needed. I felt that should be one stanza.

He felt like if it were another day,
as if he was reborned as a baby.
He thought his feelings were just a game,
that she would just play.
But she only reached level 2 with her answer,
for it was just a "maybe". I think its "reborn", not "reborned". Great play on the game thing though.

With one week having past ,
and the "maybe" being unanswered,
For all his hope that would never last,
had become very unstable. Great, maybe "he" in front of the last line

His question was then answered,
for what she didn't want to do.
She had done,
his heart shaddered in many pieces. Great stanza for being close to the end...

He had done all he could,
so no more could be done.
When something happens,
when a boy likes a girl... Great once again =]

Thx For Reading


I also added the shit I could...

No Problemo. ~Doom.
#12
I didn't like it. It seemed slightly artificial; there wre unnecessary lines and words all over the place that didn't add to the poem at all, just seemed to bwe there to stick to the rhyming scheme. That seems a bit too immature to me.
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#15
i actually didn't intensionally bump it.. i critted some pieces yesterday and the people crited back... and i was only thanking them.....
#17
I thank people for crits also...

Anyhow, I do have to agree that there are words and sentences that are extra. Not needed, Excessive or Improperly placed.

That being said, And considering it is only early work, It is not TOO bad, But all my works have about 10 drafts before i consider them complete... just consider that.
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#18
^ So ha Travis!!!!

Yeah i see that too, it was my first poem.. so it wasn't good and my poems and songs aren't still good, but hey, practice makes perfect.

Yeah, i'll do that aswell, maybe only 5 drafts. I only make one draft and consider it done.. lol, well thx for the crit.
#19
i never said dont thank the pple who crit ur work, i thank pple too, u jsut do it after every single post, and i wait till ive gotten about 3 or so and thank everybody and go over the issues they pointed out, so im not bumping my piece so much. i used to do the same as u, then my one thread got closed by steve, he said i was replying to much. so i try to cut back, and dude, i really need ur help on my one poem.