#1
Hey guys, critique for critique as usual.

Yeah, it's semi-freeform.

half an inch some fabric nightmare


we met last indian summer
somewhere in the spaces
of my ex lover's elipse.
twas half an inch some fabric nightmare,
i saw upon a concrete window,
among scratched curses, your flouride mural
that dragging, hanging, misfit symbol.
two-stroke toothpaste martyr-art.
i clasped my hands together,
and heard you cry out hope
in solitary air.
but doors have opened, shackles fallen.
and now that i can feel it,
i don't hear your voice in the wind.
Last edited by clichealias at Feb 8, 2007,
#3
we met last indian summer
somewhere in the spaces
of my ex lover's elipse
half an inch some fabric nightmare,with the 'some' in there, the line doesnt seem to make sense to me
i saw upon a concrete window,
among curses, your flouride mural
that dragging, hanging, misfit symbol.
two-stroke toothpaste martyr-art.the toothpast party art thing i didnt like to much
i clasped my hands together,
and heard you cry out hope
in solitary air.
but doors have opened, shackles fallen.
and now that i can feel it,
i don't hear your voice in the wind.


i dont really understand it, and i dont like lyrics that are almost impossible to figure out the meaning of it.
#4
Quote by ragglefraggle
we met last indian summer
somewhere in the spaces
of my ex lover's elipse
half an inch some fabric nightmare,with the 'some' in there, the line doesnt seem to make sense to me
i saw upon a concrete window,
among curses, your flouride mural
that dragging, hanging, misfit symbol.
two-stroke toothpaste martyr-art.the toothpast party art thing i didnt like to much
i clasped my hands together,
and heard you cry out hope
in solitary air.
but doors have opened, shackles fallen.
and now that i can feel it,
i don't hear your voice in the wind.


i dont really understand it, and i dont like lyrics that are almost impossible to figure out the meaning of it.


This is a poem. And it's a true story. I'm not going to outline exactly what it's about, because I think I dropped more than enough evidence.

the "some" does not make this line non-sensical. it implies that the fabric is unknown...

Yeah, if it were toothpaste party art, I wouldn't like it either. Good thing it says martyr. ;]

But yeah, I'll get to yours.
#5
Okay, I made a couple minor edits.

If any of you would like to know what this is about, you can PM me, I'd rather not publically display the meaning of my writing.

But, I would really like to know what you all think of this.
#6
I really like the whole storyteller angle your poems (at least the ones I've seen) have to them. They have a beginning, a middle, and an end, and I like that. Your word choice here is phenomenal, too. Typically, my only criticism is vague as hell - the beginning needs work. The poem picks up speed fairly quickly after the first few lines, but you aren't swept in right away. Then again, perhaps that's not really a criticism after all. At any rate. The last line = awesome.

Like I said earlier - great stuff, man. I like it.
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#8
I just got kicked out of my home, and therefore my internet access is very restricted also, I don't know how soon I'll be going away. But when I'm free it'd be nice to know a few people understood this.

All Regards,

-Jacob Edinger
#9
yeah mid way through the piece i got lost
im not exactly sure what this is about..
but i think the end is very freeing "i don't hear your voice in the wind." i really like this line
sorry to hear bout u being kicked out

crit if you get time?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=522183
Quote by MarchOfEternity
Oh, and azza, you're a pretty good writer! Graybass is a god amongst men and you're turning real quick to be his new messiah lol.

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You're doing good, mate.

Keep up the good work.

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#10
Okay... so i'm going to go out on a limb and give everyone some background information... I wrote this about jial... I found God. I lost God.

I think you can all figure out the message and little details from there. kthxbye
#11
I would like to say thank you for commenting on my piece. Greatly appreciated. I really enjoyed this. Very dark imagery, but with twists and turns. These lines stuck out the most...

twas half an inch some fabric nightmare,
i saw upon a concrete window,
among scratched curses, your flouride mural
that dragging, hanging, misfit symbol.
two-stroke toothpaste martyr-art.

You can really picture some darker, deeper forces in that.
#13
I liked it, but was semi confused. I like the flouride mural line and the toothpaste martyr-art. It kept it from being to predictable.
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MY SONGS:
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