#1
My new song 'With stars beside us' Please comment.

I hear a whisper with the wind
Tainted soul of ye who sinned
Raise your goblet
Raise it high
And catch the fire from the sky!
An old man stood beneath the churches spire
Goading the stars to shine brighter

Into battle we ride
With stars by our side!
Blood is frozen beneath the frost
Follow the star and don’t get lost!

The search for the sword has begun
Lyrical flames become un-sung

[solo here]

Into battle we ride
With stars by our side!
Blood is frozen beneath the frost
Follow the star and don’t get lost!

Always hoping for one last breath
Shadowed by the black sails of death
Before Valhalla there is only war
Battle shadowed by the horsemen of four
Steel gleaming forever fast
Death travels forwards from the past!
The armada sets a course
Under his scythe force!

Into battle we ride
With stars by our side!
Blood is frozen beneath the frost
Follow the star and don’t get lost!
Free-fall forever
We ride on together!

Into battle we ride
With stars by our side!
Blood is frozen beneath the frost
Follow the star and don’t get lost!
Raise your chalice my brother
Raise it high
To catch the fire that falls from the sky
#2
Shit, dude. Power metal much?

Seriously, though, it's good writing, regardless of the subject. I like this line a whole lot:

Before Valhalla there is only war
Battle shadowed by the horsemen of four
Steel gleaming forever fast
Death travels forwards from the past!


I can totally see the first part in a sort of quiet style and then... just pretty much an explosion, except more metal.

At any rate, if you'd like to crit mine...

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=520413
My Last.fm Account

My Band

Quote by Jackal58
JoHNNERz you sir are my hero of the moment.
#3
Quote by Bal_Sagoth
My new song 'With stars beside us' Please comment.

I hear a whisper with the wind
Tainted soul of ye who sinned
Raise your goblet
Raise it high
And catch the fire from the sky!
An old man stood beneath the churches spire
Goading the stars to shine brighter

I guess you're going for a fantasy-themed song here, really evident in the second line onwards, not a fan of archaic language myself but it fits the style. Rhyme check on spire and brighter, and also the 3rd and 4th lines could be combined into one

Into battle we ride
With stars by our side!
Blood is frozen beneath the frost
Follow the star and don’t get lost!

Religious imagery, was this intentional? Following the star and all that. Also I'm trying to sing it in my head and I can't fit the words into a steady rhythm.

The search for the sword has begun
Lyrical flames become un-sung

What is the sword a metaphor for? Maybe you could have an extended metaphor throughout the whole piece.

[solo here]

Into battle we ride
With stars by our side!
Blood is frozen beneath the frost
Follow the star and don’t get lost!

Always hoping for one last breath
Shadowed by the black sails of death
Before Valhalla there is only war
Battle shadowed by the horsemen of four
Steel gleaming forever fast
Death travels forwards from the past!
The armada sets a course
Under his scythe force!

Got a mixture of cultures here, Valhalla being Norse and the four horsemen pertaining to the Christian apocalypse. I suppose it all adds to the whole Armageddon effect. Again, check the rhythm.

Into battle we ride
With stars by our side!
Blood is frozen beneath the frost
Follow the star and don’t get lost!
Free-fall forever
We ride on together!

Not too sure how you would extend the chorus for 2 lines here, maybe have them separate, like in a middle 8 or something.


Into battle we ride
With stars by our side!
Blood is frozen beneath the frost
Follow the star and don’t get lost!


But yeah overall you have a good thing going here, it DEFINATELY fits the style and I know nothing about metal so that's saying something. Crit mine please? It's in the sig