#1
Eh, don't have a title. Wow.

Expanding, just trying as many styles as I please, to be honest. First in a short series, I think. Let me know what you think, anything is welcome

Critique for critique y'all.

EDIT: Slight edits




Snowdeaf.
A vacuum, with no sound, no thought
no ideas. Nothing.
A foregone exploration,
predicted by glassed pupils.
Snowblind.
An unforgiving journey into the
unknown, the unheard, the unseen.
It's understandable.

A daunting self-address,
a foray into the forces
of consciousness.

And like the birth of time,
a tick gets me underway.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Feb 8, 2007,
#2
like the way this sits and fits together, pretty interesting too. one thing that i dont like, a personal preferance i guess, but i dont like how you use a lot of a's an's and the's, a lot of good writers do it and it really bothers me but i guess the majority of people wont mind. other than that, maybe you could have expanded a bit more, idk, but i really did like this.
ya not much of a crit i guess, but if you wouldnt mind i have a poem in my sig that you could crit. im not much of a poet really but id appreciate it anyways. thanks
#3
ooo i saw a competion between u and stratkat, im gana go vote. but first heres ur crit.

Snowdeafened.
A vacuum, with no sound, no thought
no ideas. Nothing.i dont kno, for some reason ending the line with 'nothing bugged me'
A foregone exploration,
predicted by glassed corneas.
Snowblinded.
An unforgiving journey into the
unknown, the unheard, the unseen.
It's understandable.

A daunting self-address,
a foray into the forces
of consciousness.
i like that verse alot

And like the birth of time,
a tick gets me underway.

but i dont like the last line of this verse.

overall, pretty good. not much really wrong with it.just minor things bugged me.


crit 'not welcomed' if u could
#4
Quote by Jammydude44

Snowdeafened.
the past tense kills this. i didn't even like it to start because of its resemblance to snowblind.
A vacuum, with no sound, no thought
no ideas. Nothing.
arbitrary line break? sounds like an idea to me.
A foregone exploration,
predicted by glassed corneas.
glassed corneas - incredibly awkward.
Snowblinded.
past tense issue again. i know it doesnt match up, but it really doesn't have to.
An unforgiving journey into the
unknown, the unheard, the unseen.
It's understandable.
all of this is very inconcrete.

A daunting self-address,
a foray into the forces
of consciousness.
interesting.

And like the birth of time,
a tick gets me underway.
I like the end.


it was interesting, i suppose. my main issue is that you use too much vocabulary that doesn't help the piece at all. if it did, then that would be a different story, but here it just detracts. the ending was possibly the best part, and used the simplest words.

mind you, i did understand it, its not that.

#5
thanks you three.

punch- good catch of the snowblind/deaf lines. Edited that. corneas changed to eyes, thanks for bringing the vocabularly point up, realised I ha dbeen over-wordy there. And yes, inconcrete was what I was going for there, with all the unknown stuff.

Cheers, I'll get back somewhen.

Damn, just caught the new LOST episode on the net. Best. Show. Ever.
#6
Snowdeaf.
A vacuum, with no sound, no thought
no ideas. Nothing.
A foregone exploration,
predicted by glassed pupils.
this part is good. keep it.

Snowblind.
An unforgiving journey into the
unknown, the unheard, the unseen.
It's understandable.
this part is bad. get rid of it.
or change it to something else.
"snowblind" is incredibly cliche
and it ruins the twist you put
on it with "snowdeaf" at first.
the last bit of it is also boring.


A daunting self-address,
a foray into the forces
of consciousness.
this part's alright. not great.
it doesn't really add too much,
but it's a nice little stanza.


And like the birth of time,
a tick gets me underway.
i think the ending could use just
a bit more. but i don't know what.


anyways. it was nice overall.
my only complaint was "snowblind".

I just want to sleep forever.


#7
Quote by Jammydude44


Snowdeaf.
A vacuum, with no sound, no thought
no ideas. Nothing. i dont really like the way 'nothing' is stuck on at the end there. i like the rest before that though.
A foregone exploration,
predicted by glassed pupils.interesting, i like it.

Snowblind.
An unforgiving journey into the
unknown, the unheard, the unseen.
It's understandable.
part of me agrees with the comment above about it being cliche, but i think that it does fit well here. it gives the impression that all senses are lost, not just hearing. i suggest keeping it.


A daunting self-address,
a foray into the forces
of consciousness.
this seems intriguing but it doesnt really add much to the piece. maybe if you added a bit more, or elaborated. something. ya know?

And like the birth of time,
a tick gets me underway.
this part is kinda boring.




i like it. its a pretty cool piece. the flow is good and imagery as well. well done. hope i helped. feel free to crit on any of mine, if you get the chance
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Last edited by DrkNTwstd at Feb 8, 2007,
#8
Hey, Jamie, I think its pretty cool how you're trying new styles. Anyways, I thought this piece was very good. Even though it was very short (and personally I like longer pieces better) it doesn't need to be expanded. Most short pieces need to be expanded, but this one is good as as is and any additions would just be fluff. I really liked the wording and I thought the rhyme scheme was pretty clever as well. Anyways, I'm looking forward to reading more from this series. Great job once again and keep it up, man.

Crit mine please?
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#9
Snowdeaf. I like this and the way it relates to snowblind. A good opening.
A vacuum, with no sound, no thought
no ideas. Nothing.
A foregone exploration,
predicted by glassed pupils. Wonderful
Snowblind.
An unforgiving journey into the
unknown, the unheard, the unseen.
It's understandable. Nice use of words which began with 'un', but I think the last line looks as though you've just put it there for the sake of another line

A daunting self-address,
a foray into the forces
of consciousness. I'm not sure what to think of this part, it seems to slightly re-iterate the first part of the piece, but with less interesting language. The first line is very good though.... Hmm.

And like the birth of time,
a tick gets me underway. Interesting, I like the tick/time thing
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


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#10
sorry i cant give a crit like the others, i wouldnt want to change anyting tho! i think its very poetic an sits nicely the way it is! its pretty cool!