#1




Thinking back through your past you see the sin
Stepping back to see the mirror as the lonesome kin
Sleeping in a home of loss and prayer
Living in your mind, lost to despair
Blow out another match, this day is through
Time has placed a grip on to you

The empty handed orphan unlocks his chest
Placing in it his dreams he lays to rest
All the children stare out the door
Trying to shelter the pain they endure
The harp sounds, the visions are all true
The grains of time have placed a halt on you

Growing older is the least of fears
It hides a sacred place to shed your tears
It’s a matter of time before you gain relief
Taking with you a sense of self belief
Just keep looking for your door
A passage to the palace of your core

The aging orphan checks his chest
Looking for a deposit to invest
Chasing dreams deep into the night
Lighting a fire and starting a new light
It's time to go off and explore,
Gather your hopes and dreams from the floor
Its how you look and how you feel
#2
Quote by Hauf




Thinking back through your past you see the sin
Stepping back to see the mirror as the lonesome kin
Sleeping in a home of loss and prayer
Living in your mind, lost to despair
Blow out another match, this day is through
Time has placed a grip on to you

The empty handed orphan unlocks his chest
Placing in it his dreams he lays to rest
All the children stare out the door
Trying to shelter the pain they endure
The harp sounds, the visions are all true
The grains of time have placed a halt on you

Growing older is the least of fears
It hides a sacred place to shed your tears
It’s a matter of time before you gain relief
Taking with you a sense of self belief
Just keep looking for your door
A passage to the palace of your core This line seems like it doesn't flow like the rest

The aging orphan checks his chest
Looking for a deposit to invest
Chasing dreams deep into the night
Lighting a fire and starting a new light
It's time to go off and explore,
Gather your hopes and dreams from the floor I think it would sound better with "So Gather your hopes..."and with a line after this one saying something along the lines of, "as we venture out the door"

It was very good, with a great flow, i also liked your rhyming scheme (AABBCC). Keep writing, cant wait to see you next one!
#3
is this supposed to be a poem?? i mean its really good and i like it but it sounds more like a poem or an song that was written in a few minutes... but otherwise its catchy... i dont like the rhyming effect though either... listen to most songs of today and they dont rhyme.. ex))) i am the bad one distant and cruel one, i am the dream that keeps you running down... (the devil's rejects-rob zombie) but you see what i mean... try to rewrite it without so much rhyming.. otherwise great! keep it up
#4
Quote by bunch_dark
is this supposed to be a poem?? i mean its really good and i like it but it sounds more like a poem or an song that was written in a few minutes... but otherwise its catchy... i dont like the rhyming effect though either... listen to most songs of today and they dont rhyme.. ex))) i am the bad one distant and cruel one, i am the dream that keeps you running down... (the devil's rejects-rob zombie) but you see what i mean... try to rewrite it without so much rhyming.. otherwise great! keep it up



Thank you both for your input. I understand what you are saying about todays music. But I don't really care for todays music so it doesn't matter. This is written as a folky tune with one guitar playing it.

Thank you both for your input!
Its how you look and how you feel
#5
very good, i liked it all, but the last line was my least favorite out of it all, but it isnt horrible or nuthin.not anything i cant spot wrong here. nice job,for some reason the simple rhyme scheme didnt bother me here.lol

crit any of mine if u could
#6
This is a very good piece, i really enjoyed it. You have amazing flow, and great rhyme scheme. It was really original, and nothing caught my eye as cliche, which is a major plus.

9/10 =)

Crit one of mine?