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#1
The Time I Lost Control of My Bowels on the Water Slide
Date: 2006-11-16, 10:56AM MST


My last few months have been racked with guilt and shame over a horrible incident and the need to purge myself has become overwhelming. So I turn to you for a compassionate ear.

Last summer, I took my girlfriend, I'll call her Beulah, and her son, I'll call him Eugene, to a water amusement park, attempting to nurture the bond that was forming between us. After a busy morning of paddleboats and bumper cars, we took a moment to refresh ourselves with a hardy lunch of chili dogs, cheese fries, and lemonade. Relaxing under shade trees, Eugene smiled a chili-smeared grin, as the sun cast its languid glow over the park. With the leisurely picnic ending, we hastily dispersed to the changing rooms, in anticipation of our next adventure—the giant water slide.

During our first run, I noticed a gnawing, internal discomfort, although the first sure signs of brown-capping weren’t apparent until Eugene and I climbed the half-mile of stairs to the summit, for our second run. Unfortunately, I had taken the opportunity, to wear a most-revealing, blue Speedo, in the hope of further enamoring myself to the beautiful Beulah. Lord knows, I have the body to accommodate such a blatant, public display of manhood.

However, I soon began to regret my decision, for the sharp, cut of the elastic dug into my swelling, gaseous abdomen. My intestines were bubbling like a whirlpool. By the time we reached the loading platform at the summit, I was squirming in wretched misery. Considering my options, I surmised that taking the slide was far more promising than fighting my way back down the stairs, through the crowd. Thank God I was next in line. My trouble would soon be over. The only obstacle before me was an elderly German tourist, staring pensively at the wild rapids. With obvious reservation, he shuffled slowly toward the mouth of the blue tunnel. Beyond the point of pleasantries, I bellowed, “Come on, Pops! Shake a leg!”
Turning toward the acne-pocked boy who was managing the ride that day, he made a feeble attempt in his native tongue to communicate his apprehension. I had no other choice! The brown star pulsated—nearing supernova. The manager boy recoiled in shock as I pushed the old man down the slide, headfirst. Cursing me with hostile foreign jibberish, he disappeared around the first turn. In an instant, I followed, hurling myself down the slick, plastic vortex.

The fury of the slide was incredible. Rolling and spinning, I gathered speed quickly. The angle of the chute dipped to nearly seventy degrees, increasing my velocity as I careened from side to side, the water turning to white, angry foam. Ricocheting from a high, banking wall, the impact smashed me like some fecal-laden pinata. I lost control, discharging a foul, liquid trail.

A child screamed somewhere behind me, as I slid toward certain humiliation below. Frantically, I grabbed at the back of my Speedo, in a desperate attempt to flush myself clean. To my dismay, a fetid school of dung-guppies spilled into the churning maelstrom.

Nearing the final turn, the old man was standing upright in the tunnel in front of me, I’m sure, to exact some sort of revenge. His sinewy muscles were tensed, rage filled his dilated eyes. But with youth, and gravity, on my side, I swiftly took him out at the ankles. A palsied hand grabbed me as we tumbled out of the chute, and into the pool.

Moments later, a wailing boy fell behind us, riding the crest of a polluted wave. Thinking fast, I collared the old man, and dragged him onto the concrete deck. A lifeguard confronted us as people ran screaming from the pool in pale-faced terror. I explained to the guard how the old man had soiled the waters, how obviously the speed and excitement had proven too much for a man of his age and condition.

Unable to comprehend my story, or explain himself, the old man could only respond with a flurry of incomprehensible shrieks, vective, and obscene gestures. I suggested that he was hysterical from embarassment and that in the best interests of everyone that he be removed from the park—immediately.

The guard eyed me with suspicion, but had no alternative but to believe my story. Fortunately, the force of the waters had washed me thoroughly of any incriminating evidence. I gathered Beulah and Eugene, and made a dash for the parking lot. I’m sure the truth eventually surfaced, but not until we were safely on the interstate, heading back home.


*This wasn't by me, but I thought I'd just share it with you guys
Member #1,267,859 of the I'd die for Dethklok club. PM Vigilantius to join.

Infanterist of the First Reich of the Grammar Nazis.

Quote by MusicMan00
I noticed the avatar before I read what you said. Then I read it. Then I laughed.
#4
very nice, good story. Although I prefer the one once posted about giving the nerds waiting for the Ps3 x-lax more.
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haha You pwned an entire website....i bow down...

TheDudeBox
#5
hahaha nice
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#7
u shit in a waterslide....NICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(not being a jerk..truly the greatest thing you can ever do)
#8
Quote by Brandon860
very nice, good story. Although I prefer the one once posted about giving the nerds waiting for the Ps3 x-lax more.

Yeah, the PS3 ex-lax story still holds a very dear place in my heart....
Member #1,267,859 of the I'd die for Dethklok club. PM Vigilantius to join.

Infanterist of the First Reich of the Grammar Nazis.

Quote by MusicMan00
I noticed the avatar before I read what you said. Then I read it. Then I laughed.
#9
Lol. Very graphic writing...
Most of the important things


in the world have been accomplished


by people who have kept on


trying when there seemed to be no hope at all
#10
My Rig:

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#11
Quote by headbanger408
...My intestines were bubbling like a whirlpool...

...The brown star pulsated—nearing supernova....

...the impact smashed me like some fecal-laden pinata...

...a fetid school of dung-guppies spilled into the churning maelstrom...


That was...disturbing...
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#12
that was totally worth the 3 minutes and loss of appetite. Thats the most Ive read all day..
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i feel like you have an obsession with aubrey plaza.


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#13
aww its not by you... i was gonna make fun of u
<Raven> I got so baked last night
<Raven> that I WOKE UP high o_o
<Raven> Do you have any idea how euphoric that is?
<Raven> I felt like I was being born.
#16
a fetid school of dung-guppies
if you can't be a good example
be a bad warning


Quote by aequitasveritas
lol, so i got a boner this one time and i was watching tv, so i decided to hump the little crack between the two cushions of the couch. yeah.


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#17
Quote by headbanger408



*This wasn't by me, but I thought I'd just share it with you guys

lies
#18


That was ****ing great. Where did you get this?
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When you take a crap do you clean your ass siting down or standing?
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upside down
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You're working for the government aren't you?
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I don't have an ass.


#25



''A child screamed somewhere behind me, as I slid toward certain humiliation below. ''


.Brand New.Bright Eyes.This Will Destroy You.

THRRRRRRRREADKILLER!
#28
...The brown star pulsated—nearing supernova....

...a fetid school of dung-guppies spilled into the churning maelstrom...
haha
#30
Quote by Zuka
I'm not reading all that.


Don't post then you half-wit.

I'm not very keen on their writing style, or the story.
#33
You can't make up a story like that, but if you want to say it didn't happen then fine.
Proud member of the Butsecks Militia.
Bend over, pull em down, and prepare to be boarded. Don't be a victim.
#35
I had to bump it back up when I saw it was forgotten yesterday. This story should go down in UG history
#36
Quote by Zuka
I'm not reading all that.

Then shut the fuck up and don't bother posting. If you're not going to read something, do you really think anybody here gives a damn? Stop spamming. Maybe you think your posts are important, which is why you insist on telling us all you're not reading something that would require effort. Or perhaps you think you're being smart. But you're not being either, you're being damn well useless and annoying.


Funny story. Better than the one about a guy who liked to feel the pool jets sucking his ass and then had to chew through his intestines to get out.
The will to neither strive nor cry,
The power to feel with others give.
Calm, calm me more; nor let me die
Before I have begun to live.

-Matthew Arnold

Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.
Last edited by Dinkydaisy at Feb 9, 2007,
#37
Quote by Dinkydaisy
Funny story. Better than the one about a guy who liked to feel the pool jets sucking his ass and then had to chew through his intestines to get out.


I preferred that one. This story just wasn't revolting enough to be shocking for me.
#38
Quote by Robbie n strat
I preferred that one. This story just wasn't revolting enough to be shocking for me.

True, but this is a little more believable
The will to neither strive nor cry,
The power to feel with others give.
Calm, calm me more; nor let me die
Before I have begun to live.

-Matthew Arnold

Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.
#39
Quote by Dinkydaisy

Funny story. Better than the one about a guy who liked to feel the pool jets sucking his ass and then had to chew through his intestines to get out.


What the hell? What thread is that in, if any?

To threadstarter: Thats quite a story. Very professionally put. In a humerous way.
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#40
Quote by Demonbreed
What the hell? What thread is that in, if any?

To threadstarter: Thats quite a story. Very professionally put. In a humerous way.

I can't remember, someone posted it in a thread ages ago.
I'll see if I can't find the link...

http://everything.blockstackers.com/index.pl?node_id=1710310

Scroll down until you see the large piece of text called 'Guts' by Chuck Palahniuk. It's long, but oh so worth the read.

Wow, I never thought I'd google search "pool jets on my ass and chewing through intestines to get air".
The will to neither strive nor cry,
The power to feel with others give.
Calm, calm me more; nor let me die
Before I have begun to live.

-Matthew Arnold

Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.
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